Kung Fu Christ VS Mecha-Jesus
So, anyway, one of the esoteric things I do solely because it amuses me is collect random ass pictures of Jesus Christ, the further removed from the traditional image of Jesus, the better.
Although my collection is comparable in number to the amount of Scimitar swinging egyptians astride their majestic camel steeds ploughing through a sea of political protesters (See! I CAN be topical!), The two most prized images of our lord and saviour in said collection depict Jesus dealing out some Hulk Hogan style justice, if the Hulkster had buttfucked Cyclone Yasi and created some unstoppable buttbabyesque force of yellow moustached nature, (WOW! Two topical jokes awkwardly shoehorned in! I'm on FIRE!) and the label off of some fireworks purchased for New Years adorned with images of MECHA-CHRIST.
Say it with me... MECHA-CHRIST.
Yeah, that's right, Jesus isn't just some skinny bearded dude who was the son of god and has never been rightfully portrayed as being of middle eastern descent (Can't have anyone drawing allusions between him and Bin Laden now, can we?), He was also a cybernetic praying machine sent back from the future to wreak havoc on heathens.
Now, the image of Mecha-Christ is clearly meant to represent Jesus, as evident by his adornment with images of the holy cross on his huge fuck-off shoulder pads and his cross-topped flagpole, but also by the name of the firework itself, KING OF KINGS.
So now I find my interest in the bible renewed with enthusiastic vigour. I Never realised that there were chapters in which Christ laid the smackdown on the gamblers in the temple, or that he grafted his organs with those of robots to become a cast iron crusader for the lord... I must've been sick the day they covered those chapters in Sunday school.
Maybe the church should reconsider the archetypical images of Jesus either as a placid, bearded girly-man or a grotesque lynched corpse, and adopt the visage of Mecha-Christ as the image of the allmighty. I'd be fearful of some giant robotic guy coming back to avenge his wrongful death, the dude already resurrected once. He can't be stopped. And he's pissed. AT US.
The second coming... This time, it's personal.
Passion of the Christ could have been ten times better if Christ was played by Vin Diesel, had chainsaws for hands and possessed the power to disintegrate every pair of female panties within a twelve mile radius with just the power of his mind! Michael bay could direct and Disturbed could do the theme song.
How would they hammer the nails in though? A pneumatic nail gun? And they would need a steel reinforced crucifix to support his bulging, muscular, no doubt well-oiled frame.
Somehow I think the only way that Mecha-Christ could be stopped was to trap him in a smelting plant and drop him into a vat of liquid metal, the only way ALL cool things can be destroyed.
Watch T2. Watch Alien 3. Watch that really weird episode of Gumby. Then tell me I'm wrong.
Next week we discuss the theological implications of this recently unearthed painting of CRACKPIPE CHRIST.
***Sean is amazed that he didn't rip on theology, not even once*** Follow him on TWITTER.