The President of the United States of America
Writer’s Submission Packet
Hello, talented patriot! Thank you for applying to be a staff writer for President Donald J. Trump’s White House!
When looking at your submission, we’re looking to see:
-Are you informed and tapped into the REAL news of the day?
-Do you have a strong sense of self? How strong? Really think about it. It’s OK to let some of it (all of it) go.
-Can you capture Donald Trump’s voice? I know. Really think about that one.
-Do you know how many electoral college votes President Donald J. Trump received in the 2016 presidential election? (President Trump will ask you several times a week if you are chosen so be ready! Remember, the electoral college is almost impossible for a Republican to win since you start off at such a disadvantage.)
You may write your submission in any word processing program you like, but we ask that you submit the final packet via courier. President Trump said it best, “You know, if you have something really important, write it out and have it delivered by courier, the old-fashioned way. Because I’ll tell you what: No computer is safe.” This is just a sample of the kind of writing we’re looking for.
Seriously though, couriers only. We tried explaining to President Trump that Osama Bin Laden’s trust and insistence on using couriers led to his discovery, but Mr. Trump tuned us out after he mistakenly heard “Obama” instead of Osama, and, well, you can figure out where the conversation went from there.
We are asking for examples of the following:
The writing staff’s goal is create tweets that capture President Trump’s voice, but also keeps the doomsday clock from moving too far forward.
In your sample tweets we’d love see new hashtags, catch phrases, or something that can easily be chanted at a rally. One of our writers created “#draintheswamp”, and I swear that same writer received two scoops of ice cream at dinner. It was quickly removed once President Trump noticed, but the excitement in the room was palpable.
TWO DESK PIECES
These are segments when Donald Trump signs a wide variety of executive orders. Some of our most successful desk pieces involve awkward hand shaking and other weird off-the-cuff jokes to make the president seem masculine in order to overcompensate for not reading the executive orders he just signed.
Speaking of masculine — did you see President Trump in the big truck? Amazing! If you have access to a zamboni or a monster truck, well, you’re just that much closer to being on the writing staff. Can you imagine Donald J. Trump driving Grave Digger over a pile of vintage Cadillac Eldorados? Tremendous!
ONE FAKE NEWS ARTICLE
President Trump is very interested in any bit of news that helps justify his world view. Since the regular news cycle is often predictable and repetitive, we’re looking for something exciting — a news story or event that drives up web traffic, twitter interaction, and general water cooler talk. We need hearty fake news stories that can push president Trump’s attention span to new heights — stories that will stick with him throughout the week and all the way through his fourth round of golf on Saturday. Create something that will fester in his brain as he digs into his third helping of meatloaf as most of the nation sleeps.
What We Don’t Want
Material discussing the following:
Russia (Is that even a real place? Never heard of it.)Birth certificatesWe have material for these in spades, and, honestly, the president has ZERO problem coming up with these on his own, often mumbling them in the bathtub while eating whatever’s left of the day’s meatloaf.
Full disclosure: If chosen, President Donald J. Trump is going to, at some point, deny your existence. It’ll most likely be on television, broadcast to millions of people around the world. Don’t fret. It’s happened to the best of us, and nobody on the communications team has been fired yet. Hell, Michael Flynn was fired and all President Trump does is talk about bringing him back!
Honestly, the best part about being a staff writer is your work will never be deleted, corrected, or retracted. Additionally, it will be repeated ad nauseam by many media outlets and everything the president says has to be recorded in the public record. It’s like a time capsule of bullshit being preserved for future generations. Exciting! To be blunt, you won’t find this type of literary freedom anywhere in the world so enjoy it!
Finally, please attach a full-length picture of yourself in a swimsuit. This is the most important part of the submission.