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February 24, 2017
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A heist organizer makes his case for deregulation of bank heists.

Like anyone who is pro-business in this country, I’m hopeful for the chance to finally end much of the job-killing over regulation that has stifled small businesses for years.

Specifically, I think we should start with laws against heists.

These days, it is tough for everyday folks struggling to get by, left behind by an excessively regulated economy. Hard working, handsome, charismatic men. And sometimes a woman too. They don’t have the armies of lobbyists that the banks and casinos employ. It’s not hard to see why people on both sides of the political spectrum are saying the system is as rigged as C-4 explosives attached to a vault door. Some on the left would like the government to step in and redistribute wealth. I say, let the free market take care of it; remove regulations preventing groups of people from conceiving and enacting complicated plans to take money that is being hoarded by casinos, banks, and museums, sitting in vaults that are just waiting to be tunneled into.

I consider myself a small business owner, having organized multiple high profile heists. I’ve employed eleven, twelve, and even thirteen people at a time, providing good, high paying jobs, sometimes even bringing people out of retirement and back into the workforce. I’ve offered employment to people whose skills do not translate well into other fields. Do you know how hard it is to get work these days as an ‘explosives expert?’

Without the living wage of heist earnings, our wheel man has to spend hours and hours driving for Uber, Lyft, and Juno, whatever that is. And even those jobs are under the threat of replacement by driverless cars. But robots can never replace us because the laws of robotic ethics prevent them from stealing, as everyone knows.

Others are worried their jobs are being replaced by immigrants. Our woman can get good work seducing or marrying the casino owners, but that’s becoming harder and harder to do elsewhere when many billionaires in other fields are marrying Eastern European women. Heist organizers give good paying jobs to Americans. Except our Chinese acrobat. We need him.

And heists are good for American businesses too. I can’t reveal too much here, but I can promise I have plans that involve a wide array of American products. One plan requires driving six Ford Fiestas into a Venetian mansion. Another involves a team murdering museum guards by shooting them with sturdy, accurate Smith and Wessons. Another plan involves remotely hacking a casino’s heating systems to allow for travel through the vents. But the hackers will be wearing American Apparel.

Some people say “Heists are illegal. They involve stealing money from people.” Well, it’s illegal until it isn’t. A lot of the stuff they did on Wall Street that caused the ’09 crash was illegal until Bush deregulated it. I’m just asking for the same thing as other businesses who want less regulations. Let’s be honest. If they can end regulations on fracking they can end regulations on us. Because that shit sets tap water on fire. We just rob rich people.

In closing, jobs.

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