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March 30, 2015

Ever wonder why the walking dead are better off than humans? Being a zombie can be quite awesome if you think about it. Actually, just read about it ;)

Despite an awful lot Hollywood blockbusters pumping up underthought and over exaggerated titles revolving around the dawn of the dead, reality remains utterly undead-free. Unfortunately for the geek-minded, real life zombies are hard to come by these days. If it were possible to select it from a God-like supercharged lifestyle selection menu, would it be cool to choose being a zombie? You will be surprised how many advantages zombies enjoy compared to you and me actually.

1. Real Life Zombies Thrive When Unemployed


Too EZ to be a walker - walk to your pray and munch away!

Towards the end of our teens (or beginning if you need cash that badly), most people will succumb to a nasty and often unwanted practice of ‘going to work’. Picking the right career can be a gigantic pain in the back side. However, the aches of choosing a field of work will be humbled by the suffering the actual job will produce in unbearable amounts in return for underwhelming paychecks.

Making money is the sole most pursued goal these days. And it’s quite the headache too. Rich cocksuckers toss a few coins at poor bastards in exchange of slavery contracts they call “employment”. You, as an undead creature, will be far above such immoral acts self-selling humiliation. But as ‘modern people’ we require commodities like a car, apartment as well as dreaded gizmo leases, advance payments and tenancy deposits for which we need jobs and money.

If only our technological society was not so economy centred, we may have had a chance to live peacefully staring at the clouds from the balcony of our premises (or alternatively dragging legs around in bloodthirst mode). As a real life zombie, you won’t need a boss anymore, you’d be in charge (of all the killings and destruction we all know will follow imminently). Check out AMC’s The Walking Dead for countless graphic examples of the above.


No worries, no people were endangered. Horse didn’t make it though..

2. Unstoppable Eating


Its a brain! No, clock! Screw it, who cares..

Eating will become one of the few but very engaging and entertaining hobbies of yours. Just eat at will with no moderation whatsoever. Calories intake will lose it’s meaning completely. Diets and food intake regimes are mental cages you shall need no more. Just munch the world away!

It’d be awesome to eat a few billionaires, scatter their bones around in seemingly random patterns for fools to claim they have zombartistic value(!?) Bet you anything, photographers will break their balls to take a shot of those, cashing in mad dough in the process (assuming there are enough survivors for money to still count for something).

3. Boring Home Chores Are Going Bye-Bye


Obviously fake! Zombies have better things to do.

Remember how much time it used to take to pick up groceries, sort them out and cook meals for yourself and/or family? Haha, you know what’s coming next, do you? Not only that you need cook no more, you get to eat fresh living things as they scream and cry, and call for help. But let’s not allow for such trivial details get in the way of a healthy meal!

The variety of your diet will not suffer much either – there are usually plenty of dogs, cats, parrots and snakes around pet shops that you won’t have to pay for anymore! That, of course, will become your plan B should you run out of fat people, handicaps, war veterans and old women unable to dash away from your hunger-crazed charge.

Cleaning? Blahaha! You won’t be bothered to wipe your own excrements, much less care for germs, hygiene or shelf dust. Gee, you won’t need a house, alongside furniture, appliances, landlords and their ridiculous tenancy cleaning requirements. Taking a dump in the hallway while chewing off the hip of a recently deceased tenant will be your new game. Landlord is next should he is stupid enough to show up. No self-respecting (or otherwise) zombie will say no (or any word for that matter) to a bonus meal, right?

4. Property Ownership Is For The Weak


Whatchu lookin` at? Most people drive like zombies anyway!

In pre-civilized periods, a warlord would claim land and property, fending off other barbaric maniacs, facts thoroughly covered in Lewis Morgan’s Ancient Society. In more recent times, law and order govern ownership of possessions so (un)happily employed citizens can acquire prizes for selling their souls to the devil.

Cars, houses, yachts and various movable and immovable property is something the walking dead eagerly trade off for blood and carnage. Forsaking the comforts flats and villas can offer is hardly a downside considering how resistant you could be to rain, cold, heat, fatigue, diseases, fire, gunfire and rat poison. Kind of makes you wonder what a bunch of crybabies most modern people are in the face of a broken nail or spilling coffee while driving. Pathetic!

5. Entering Invincibility Mode


Fire resistance - 100%

According to Zombiepedia, walkers are immune to pain, exhaustion and mercy. Therefore it’s ill-advised to use melee weapons against a zombie’s overwhelming ferocity. Firearms are strongly suggested and as common knowledge suggests, only a straight headshot can put a zombie in a state of permanent death. Hiding in cars, houses or other tangible structures will often prove inefficient as well, since a zombie can sniff out fresh meat with remarkable precision. Combining an extraordinary sense of smell with unprecedented invincibility, zombies are only martial arts and sniper training short of being the ultimate soldiers Jason Bourne would envy in his guts.


May look like a pro here, but in reality…

6. Zombies Are Bio-Friendly


A zombie apocalypse is a shortcut to sustainable planet!

Due to extreme deforestation, oil spills, air and fresh water pollution (in addition to 200-300 other atrocities), the subject of environmental consciousness has received heaps of media and political exposure in recent decades. This article shall remain no indifferent to a topic of just colossal magnitude and will offer its unique zombified perspective.

A walker does not demand the costly construction of high-end accommodation, vehicles, offices or infrastructure. If you select to be a real life zombie, you are guaranteed to eat fresh (recently murdered) food. Thus, you, in effect, will contribute to lower demand for artificial food additives – sweeteners, flavours, preservatives, colours.

Way too few are actively trying to give a damn and make a difference regardless of the great many ideas and inventions available as thoroughly illustrated by Audrey Wright’s 5 Amazing Green Concepts To Combat Global Catastrophes article. That’s why zombies will make a great fit to our ever-so-degrading planet.

As a zombie, you can hardly be bothered to give a flying f**k about nature, however, the lack of coherent thought will prevent you from damaging it anyway. Remember, the ones polluting the environment are the ones with a consciousness!

You, as a ‘real zombie’, would be bio-friendly, hence planet-friendly. Earth may secretly plan to substitute a few billion humans for their less harmful zombie counterparts despite deceptive manoeuvres by governments to conceal relevant data (Lost Zombies quoted by zombie-popcorn).

7. Cheating Death!

cheating death.jpg

Death: No, thanks. Taking them is what I specialize in!

As of today, immortality is nothing but fiction glorified in books and movies for the soon-to-be-dead to enjoy. Religion has a say on the immortality of the soul, however as far as physical existence on planet Earth is concerned, death awaits us all. If you opt for a zombie life (or more accurately zombie “life”), you’d effectively cheat death and become an undead. Better than dying of old age or shrinking due to some dreadful disease, painfully sucking the life out of you until you beg your doctor to turn you into a zombie.

Tips On How To Deal With Real Life Zombies


Sprinting on high heels 101

Since no explicit assumption that people want to be zombies is implied here, maybe you would like to know how to handle one, should you be (un)fortunate enough to come across it. Check out this quick guide for surviving a zombie attack:

- Fear, anxiety and panic are forms of severe emotional distress often associated with initial zombie encounters. Don’t get overwhelmed by an incapacitating mental state.

- Avoiding confrontation is preferable to head-on assault. Sneaking away or fleeing ASAP are likely to increase your chances of survival.

- The human skull can prove difficult to penetrate with most dull objects as well as some sharp ones. In addition, multiple swings can tire you, especially if you miss a few.

- Be mindful of your surroundings and opt to incapacitate/trap the zombie instead of fighting it.

- Scout around and try to get an estimate on how many walkers are in the area. Even if you attack a single one, there is no guarantee its groans will not attract others.

Is Zombie Outbreak Possible?

Although zombies are just a crazy idea used for entertainment, history holds a multitude of examples how seemingly innocent notions materialized through science and technology. Space travel and long distance communications were spoken of long before shuttles and the internet came into existence. Maybe zombies are just around the corner and we only need to be patient for their triumphant outbreak.