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February 22, 2011

The best quotes from the best comedian

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid. I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it I would have loved to have a gay dad.

Do you remember at school, there were always kids saying "My dad's bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!" "So what? My dad will shag your dad. And your dad will enjoy it."

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Does anyone think that Camilla is what Princess Diana would look like if she survived the crash.

I thought it was sad that they had that concert for Princess Diana I mean she didnt have much to do with pop music , they should have have done something that celebrated what was really great about her life ... by staging a gang bang in a minefield.

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

That Ellen MacArthur, how many times is she going to sail around the world before she realises that she's a lesbian?

What's the difference between Didier Drogba and Venus Williams? Venus has a slightly smaller penis.

Scientists say the worlds population will double by 2020. However they have also said that if we hunt down Kerry Katona this can stop.

I was reading the financial times when i saw the headline FANNY MAE COLLAPSE. For a moment i thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time lately because of there £7 flight to New York. But as always with RyanAir it does always land a little bit outside of New York. In Dublin.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Anyone whos been to Middlesbrough will know that living to 53 is maybe a bit long. Sort of like Blade Runner without the special effects.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

And now over to Kate Humble, whos going to kick the face off a badger.

In these troubled times between our nations, I feel like I need to reach out to President Putin and say "I have shagged your mother"

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff. LIDL’s own brand shampoo...Because you’re worthless.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

The only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped with the Union Jack is as a casualty of war.

Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.

My Girlfriend and I often roleplay in the bedroom. She pretends she is Catwoman and I pretend that I love her.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.

Was walking round Bradford the other day and its clearly a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

Jack Tweed had it made....a 2 week marriage whereby his missus got thinner, prettier and her fanny got tighter as time went by.

I was a big Michael Jackson fan when I was eight. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was his “type”.

An interesting attitude we have to paedophilia in this country: We don’t want paedophiles round here! Unless they've really worked on their choreography...

Before Michael Jackson died he weighed less than nine stone and the only thing he would eat willingly was nachos. Nachos being the name of a young Mexican boy.

It's true what they say about fruit being good for constipation. I got my phone bill from Orange this morning and I literally did shit myself.

Vernon Kay, the only bloke stupid enough to ruin his marriage by asking a Page 3 model for pictures of her tits.

The 2012 London Olympics were supposed to restore British National pride. £20 billion to restore British National pride? For £20 billion, we could have written 'FUCK OFF GERMANY' on the moon!

I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory...He's a spastic.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

Gordon Brown says he wants kids to stay at school until they're 18. That's just not going to work in the modern world is it? Who's going to pick their kids up from primary school?

Have you noticed that Britains Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle looks like Mrs Doubtfire played by Gordon Brown?

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

Sex education at my school was just a warning about the janitor.

I could never do what tiger woods did...I fucking hate golf!

Where do they get all these people who are on the Jeremy Kyle show? Do they stand outside Lidl with a big net or something?

How many dead whores can you fit in a garage? About two more, if I move my bike.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

I see I.D cards are going on trial in Manchester...Like most of its residents.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Bernard Matthews doesn't take glee in culling turkeys, he sits on a throne of turkey skulls.

Congratulations your 18!...On a list of 20 people i'm going to kill.

Things to say that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party: "...but if we're all here, who's looking after Madeleine?"

Things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party: I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a dinner party: Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive: I would like to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech: Ive had a few medical problems this year. Im now so old that my *** is haunted.

Unlikely lines to hear on a TV Show: Welcome to Blind Date with me, Stevie Wonder.

Unlikely Exam Questions: If a car reaches a terminal velocity of 700 mph and then slows to 0mph in 2 seconds, how long will Richard Hammond be wearing nappies?

Breaking News : Prince Harry met some children yesterday who`d been blown up in landmines. "How do you cope being legless everyday?" the kids asked Harry.