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December 06, 2011

An open letter to my future girlfriend.


Dear Future Girlfriend,

I’d like to start off our future relationship by inaudibly mumbling,

“I’m sorry.”

Please, don’t bother asking me to repeat it. I’m going to do us both a favor and tattoo it on my forehead for our upcoming relationship, Mike Tyson style. That way I can just point to it when needed. By saying I’m sorry in advance; I suppose that should cover everything. What is everything you ask? Well, I know you have a clear cut definition of everything, but as a guy, I pretty much know that everything covers what my short attention span can hold.

So, I’m sorry for things such as:I-Am-Sorry.jpg

  • My selective hearing – It’s programmed into us males. I’d be willing to bet that even President Obama has it. You can talk about everything and you’ll still get a grunt, maybe. You can be assured though, that I’ve heard every single word that you’ve uttered. I just can’t repeat them back to you at THAT MOMENT, or any other moment. I’ll need reminders occasionally, and I’m sure you’ll happily provide them. Please remember to use your inside voice.
  • The way my eyes glaze over when you talk about:
    • Shoes: I know three types of women’s shoes. Sandal, High heel. Flat. Anything fancy outside of those three and you’re pretty much speaking one of those African languages everyone laughs at.
    • Your period : Ewww-fucking-eww . Never talk to me about this. Unless you want to see me run face first into a wall with the intent of knocking myself out, don’t. Also, if you don’t want me talking to you about the massive, yet impressive shit I took, don’t talk to me about this.
    • Things I need to fix about myself that you don’t like, of which you knew about when were still in that “it’s cute” phase.
    • Marriage: We will propose when ready, no need to drop little hints here and there
  • Sports – We men will talk about sports in great detail to one another, or whoever is in close proximity that loves sports. Sports, sports, sports, motherfucking sports. You’ll learn that I literally just said “I love sports,” in a very romantic way.
  • Video Games – see above (just replace sports with video games)
  • Nights out with my buddies – You and I don’t have to be together 24/7. Healthy relationships work best when you have a little time apart. Don’t worry, I won’t cheat. Chances are you’ll bombard me with texts reminding me that you’re my girl all night anyway, making me feel bad about being an innocent wingman, thus coming home early and ending one of my only nights out.
  • If I don’t say “I Love you” when you say it – I’m just not there yet, and I don’t want to hurt your precious feelings by saying something that is a lie. So instead I’ll say something coy like, “that’s awesome,” and then playfully tap you on the shoulder, and finish it off with a “good game,” slap across the butt, then scurry off like I just embarrassed myself by pooping my pants.
  • Not truthfully answering the “does my ass look fat” OR (The MOTHERFUCKING RELATIONSHIP KILLER) “Is she prettier than me” questions – No and no. I will never fall for your trap. Ever. (Whispers in Peter Griffin Voice) Ever.
  • If I don’t agree with you all the time – In public, I’m your ally. I’ll defend you to the end. BUT when we are home, chances are I’ll tell you the hard hitting truth, because not all the time will you happen to be right.  Although I’m sure your shockingly high percentage of 99.8% of the time you are right, won’t suffer much.
  • IF I glance at other women – Look we both know that they aren’t prettier than you, but I’m not Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles or any other blind person. I won’t stand there and undress her with my eyes and make you slap the shit out of me either.
  • If I forget the little anniversaries you seem so keen on holding as “special” ­– You know the ones like “oh we walked by this café for the first time, 6 months ago” and I don’t remember that, because I’m a guy. That.

Now there are things I won’t do so there isn’t a need to apologize for them:

  • Lie to you – I suck at lying anyway.
  • Make plans and not keep them – Disappointment sucks.
  • Spend ALL my free time with my friends – like 1/4th of the time is cool though, right?
  • Leave a mess - Unless it’s my desk. That’s an organized disaster. And I will not apologize for its seemingly unkempt manner.
  • Piss on the edge of the seat – The edge of the toilet bowl is cool though. You really have no reason to look under there. That’s our world.
  • Leave the toilet seat up – No one wants the splash of death, and I don’t want to hear about it incessantly anyway.
  • Say I’ll call and don’t, even though I hate talking on the phone – Texting is cooler anyway.
  • Ignore you when you’re upset – I’ll just dance naked until you’re ready to calm down. You won’t be able to resist my hip thrust/penis action, for long anyway.
  • Ogle other women – You women carry hammers, anvils, and mace in your purse. I’d hate to get hit by any or all of those at once.
  • Be a cheapskate – I’ll rob a bank if I need to. Just wait for me on the outside. 6 months will be my sentence for robbing a bank with a banana, a can of silly string, and a blonde handlebar moustache.
  • Forget my manners – Mother taught me better than that.
  • Walk 5 steps ahead of you when we are out in public – Two is perfectly acceptable. Just. Playing.
  • Not open doors – I’d hate to see you absentmindedly walk into the door.

I don’t know nearly enough about women as I probably should at this age in my life, but I know just enough about women to know that the shit mentioned above, drives them insane.  So on behalf of “stupid me,” I apologize wholeheartedly, in advance. This should buy me some cred. Or at least a few nights of me not sleeping on the couch, either way, I’ll try to avoid these things.

Good Talk,