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June 23, 2017
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Never lose sight of your true passions!

It’s always refreshing to see people chasing their true passions in life.

That’s certainly the case for Uber founder and former CEO Travis Kalanick, who resigned this past week to spend more quality time doing what he loves most—making unwanted sexual advances towards women!

“Most people quit a job publicly to spend more time with their family, but I quit to pursue my God-given talent: making hilarious sexual innuendos to underpaid Silicon Valley females,” Kalanick said in a written statement.

Kalanick also mentioned how he was inspired by the recent acquittal of Bill Cosby. “Once I knew all you had to do to get away with sexual harassment was be culturally relevant, I was all like… hey, count me in!” his statement further explained.

Kalanick’s reign at Uber started to severely unravel earlier this year when Arianna Huffington (a large stakeholder in Uber) reportedly rejected Kalanick’s idea of a company Men’s bathroom and separate Women + Travis ONLY bathroom. And now, it has led to Kalanick’s demise.

“Baby, I put the Uber in giving you a Lyft, if you know what I mean.”

Pressures of expanding the company eventually started to wear on Kalanick too.

“I was tired of hearing about how I was going to get the company to break into emerging foreign markets,” Kalanick told reporters this morning outside his posh Silicon Valley condo. “I just wanted to know how I was going to break into that hot Asian coder chick’s foreign pants!”

“The only seed investment I care about now is the one I want to give you, baby,” Kalanick continued toward one particular female reporter, even as she was walking away in disgust.

“Hey sexy, want to come up here and see my autonomous self driving car? I know you want to! Baby, I put the Uber in giving you a Lyft, if you know what I mean!”

Wow. It sure looks like Kalanick is off to a good start in his new life Post-Uber. Never lose sight of what you truly love, just like Travis!

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