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February 03, 2016
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Ben tests the women's ability to stay in the kitchen.

We begin this leg of our magical journey with Ben wandering around Mexico City, pondering his women. He defines Mexico City as a good place to fall in love, the exact same thing he said about Las Vegas.

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The Mexico City fountain reflects Ben’s inner turmoil.

The women are excited about their new hotel room. Olivia’s fulfilled a life dream in having temporary access to a bidet. She reminisces on her love language she shares with Ben that he may or may not be aware of. Leah refers to delicate Ben as “our boyfriend.” The women mock Olivia in a new way this week, saying that she has “dragon breath.”

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The mouth that launched a thousand shit-talks.

Amanda’s One-on-One Date

Ben wants to “see the women in their element” so he wakes them up at 4:20am by blasting a flashlight in their faces. This is his manner of picking Amanda up for their date. Most of the women look like pure shit but Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda somehow had the forethought to sleep with full makeup on and her hair done. Ben finds one girl’s weave. Really wish one had a sleep apnea machine.

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WAKE THE FUCK UP LADIES!!! REVEAL YOUR TRUE FORM!!!

Ben and Amanda go in a hot air balloon. Ben calls it one of the coolest dates he’s ever been on so he’s already breaking his last love vow to Becca to “take her on the coolest dates”.

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I love talking life with you. K.

Ben loves exploring life and talking life with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda. He says she is so deserving of love when she reveals her ex-husband cheated on her.

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Tragic divorce story? Time to bring out the sympathetic hand claw!

Ben doesn’t understand how her ex didn’t “wrap her and her daughters up and love on her in those moments”. Really hope no one ever wraps me up and loves on me. Sounds very Dexter meets Bill Cosby. Or this.

Cooking Group Date

When the date card is read with multiple names, Soccer-Mom-Lauren H.,the sleuth, yells: “This is the group date!” Great call, Lauren H.

The women take a beginners Spanish class that is half standard phrases and half Bachelor phrases.

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¿Cómo se dice, “I wish to forgo my individual room and bang out”?

Virginal Becca is wearing a ridiculous Cindy Lou Who hairstyle with a bun on top. Olivia reads secret love signs in between the Spanish lines she and Ben have to say. She says there’s “electricitay” between them.

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I love… how you’re brave enough to wear your hair so stupid.

The ladies learn they have to compete by cooking traditional Mexican dishes. Twin Emily can’t speak Spanish or cook, which is extremely shocking due to her general air of worldliness. She also only loves eating children’s food. When they are told to pair up, Olivia stares down Jubes until she is allowed to partner up with Ben. Olivia to Ben: “I claimed you, didn’t I?”

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I claimed him. I called shot-gun on Ben’s dick and Jubes tried to get in the front seat anyways. It’s like no one respects dibs in Mexico.

The girls are all pissed that Olivia claims Ben. They shit-talk her dragon breath again and posit that it’s why Ben and Olivia feed each other mint leaves. Meanwhile, Ben is loving watching how the women move about the kitchen.

Still wearing the Hope bracelet V-card though, don’t worry guys.

Ben does not like how Lauren B.land and Jubes are not laughing enough in the kitchen. Jojo is forced to say a bunch of thinly-veiled metaphors about her vagina.

Fingers crossed Ben goes loco for Jojo’s taco.

Shockingly, Jubes and Lauren B.land’s dish wins the food competition even though they weren’t joyous in the kitchen. Ben physically shakes Lauren B.land when she questions if she should be there. I would shake her too but to see if any personality would fall out. Probably just dust and lawn clippings. Becca still looks dumb as fuck.

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Wait, why are they speaking Spanish if we’re not in Spain tho?

Twin Emily is obsessed with bitching about Olivia and mimes going Steven Avery on her ass.

My cheer coach taught me knives kill dragon breath. Also cankle-having, weird-toed bitches.

Jubes tries to be polite to the other girls by not holding hands with Ben in front of them. She then sits like a child as she tells Ben she’s worried she’s getting lost in the crowd. Ben reassures her that he’s not forgetting “Little Old You.”

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Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about little, old, Jam–Jennif–Jil–You!!

Ben uses Jubilee’s polite act towards the girls as an excuse to dump her. Jubes says she’s the most unlovable person in the world right now, since even #unlovable doesn’t love her.

If Afghanistan doesn’t break you, Lord Harrison will.

Ben reveals to the other women that he dumped Jubes. Jojo interrupts his announcement in order to be the only person he talks to about his feelings. Someone is FINALLY learning from Olivia’s pro ways. Ben says “no more breakups” and tries to call it at ten women and just live the polygamous life. Ben feels better about himself from his conversation with Jojo but Olivia gets the group date rose.

This is why you ALWAYS call shot-gun.

Olivia eats a fruit kebob to celebrate her victory. Ben leaves the party saying: “Good night. Sleep tight.” This is who they are competing over.

Lauren H.‘s One-on-One Date

For Soccer-Mom-Lauren H.‘s one-on-one, she and Ben try on some stupid clothes inspired by Mexican nature. Then she is forced to walk the runway next to genetically superior women. Her reaction to this terrible date plan is, “Holy shoot.”

Holy shoot I’m going to shoot my pants rn.

They bond over both looking stupid as fudge walking the runway and she gets a rose.

Cocktail Party

Lauren B.land calls this process overwhelming while not showing the slightest shred of emotion. Jojo makes Ben promise she won’t be blindsided which is impossible unless she wins. Lauren B.land tells Ben she can “see like, a life life with you.”

Olivia starts messing with Sexy-baby-voiced Amanda and I couldn’t be happier unless I were in a kitchen.

Advanced teachings in Throwing Shade.

Twin Emily goes off on Olivia in her confessionals. She calls Olivia’s tears “fake as fuck,” says that she makes her “blood boil,” and finally admits she hates her. While sobbing uncontrollably, she admits she’s “sad”. No shit.

It’s like the Stanford prison experiment but with booze and Botox.

Twin Emily and Amanda tell Ben that Olivia is fake. Again, has no one ever watched this show? The tattles always go home.

Rose Ceremony

Ben pulls Olivia to the side and we get a TO BE CONTINUED!!! Scenes from next week: Ben poses on a cliff. More Olivia drama.

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New romance novel cover or Week 6 of The Bachelor? IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL.

Tag: It is revealed that although Twin Emily works in a Las Vegas club, she has never taken a tequila shot before.

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