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December 11, 2010

if you have a child at 16, God hates you.

God forbid I insult the all-knowing moms and “wanna” be moms out there. Look, if you have a kid early in your life and still breathe the same air as I, shut up. Doing what your expected is not that the same as over-achieving. It’s cool you go to school and ‘’work’’ your asses off 40 hours a week, but halt! Having a kid at 16, 17, 18 isn’t something you can put on your job resume nor is it something that will intrigue your boss to give a raise. So, stop with the whiney bullshit of how your life is so hard without a ‘’proper up bringing’’. If you don’t want your kid to be poor and you don’t want your kid to wreak every scrap in life, DON’T HAVE A KID! Or be well aware that life is made to bite your ass every fuckin day just so God can watch you sipping your coffee, bags under your eyes, shaking from the unsteady nerves. He watches this and laughs, not as a joke or to be cruel, but to test your limits.

I am not a parent however thru my 25-years; here is what I have noticed that might help you out

    *if you’re an alcoholic, you’re a dumbass. Stop drinking and become tuned to your kid’s needs.

    *if you smoke pot, you’re a dumbass. Stop smoking and play toss with your kid.

*if you have an animal that you considerably believe is next to the Bible is worth in your life, you’re a dumbass. 10 years down the road that dog will die and to fill the void, you will buy a new animal to talk about but never pay attention to.

*If you work 40 hours a week and go to school, give yourself a gold star. This is something that is expected upon millions x millions x millions. Working at a local bullshit business isn’t something that neither is groundbreaking nor is unique by any means. So hold your breath and refill my sprite.

*If you can’t laugh at the simple things in life, such as bad jokes. Piss off; if you can’t laugh at life then life will laugh at you. At all means; laugh a little more.

*If your hobby is to be funny by judging others, either appearance or life style, follow these small steps.

1. Grab a mirror and a notepad.

2. Go into the bathroom and sit on the toilet.

3. Write down all the little things you find attractive about yourself.

4. Take the piece of paper and fold it into a neat square.

5. Wipe your ass with it and flush it down the toilet; know that your best efforts to amplify yourself image is pointless, non-prominent, and if someone else agrees with these traits’ or characteristics do know they had to take a shit with you to figure these things out.

Now here are a few things iv brainstormed that are yes stupid

I never like to read much so I watch a lot of TV, probably why I’m an expert knowing every number 1-133, without studying.

I have two roommates with two-dogs, the dogs are puppies still and each has personalities; one bark’s and the other likes to hang out and sleep. The dogs are chill as fuck.

I have epilepsy, so if something happens please know I am not an amateur hip-hop dancer.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore…till your acid trip goes away.

In Latin countries, would I be arrested after saying to say ‘’Can I have a liter of Coke? My wife’s a bitch lately and I need my dose of that liquid rush.”  That’s coca-cola of course, not heroine.

Been super pissed lately, hard to sleep, so I started counted sheep but even those are black so I try to keep awake. (Ok I don’t mean it like I hate black people, it’s a joke. At least I didn’t say the n word, see I’m a white guy that needs stupid jokes in the old pocket.)

Was high today and decided to look in the bed bath and beyond magazine. Had a craving for steak like no other so I got the “pot smoker” for $25, cool thing was it came with a twenty percent coupon. Funny, that the second time I’ve spent $20 before dinner time.