By now, you’ve no doubt read about the couple from Washington state who live their lives completely as though it were the Victorian Era. And yes, they’re unbelievably tone-deaf in regard to how their lifestyle is possibly the greatest expression of the most extreme possible modern-day privilege. And yes, their genitals probably smell just terrible. But we should let them live their lives however they want, shouldn’t we?
But they don’t get any more penicillin. Sorry, if you’re gonna commit to the bit, you gotta take it all the way.
If you want to ride around on your pennyfarthing and poo in a chamber pot, that’s totally fine, but you don’t get penicillin when you contract typhus or whatever from your very own indoor shit bucket. Unfortunately, penicillin wasn’t discovered until 1897 and didn’t come into wide use for treating disease until the 1930s, well after the Victorian Era was over, so you’re just going to have to live with all those easily treatable skin infections and other curable ailments, m'Lord and Lady!
Of course, it’s just great that these folks want to live in the Victorian Era, but the rest of us should help to keep them honest, right? And to that end, that means no more sneaking Twinkies and Doritos, or watching episodes of Downton Abbey through your neighbors’ window—and to all you doctors out there, no more prescribing these two ding-dongs any penicillin under any circumstances, okay? In fact, any medical professionals out there shouldn’t even let them into your shiny, modern doctor’s offices— send them to a barber, because guess what? That’s who took care of your health problems back then; the same guy who cut your lice-ridden hair!
And just to be safe, anyone who comes into a drugstore wearing a stovepipe hat or petticoats, or who calls an umbrella a “bumbershoot” automatically gets denied service. Unless of course they want a bag of leeches or to have their blood let.
But let’s not be monsters about this. What if one of these two folks really get into a situation where they desperately need antibiotics, like if they get a horrible staph infection from their antique rotary egg beater or some other rusty, outdated piece of bullshit? Of course they can have the penicillin! They just have to do the following to get it:
- Put on some dropcrotch trainer sweatpants and a pair Nike Air Yeezy sneakers
- Be able to accurately summarize the plot of the film Ex Machina
- Parallel park a Scion
- Volunteer at a local soup kitchen, you self-involved fucks
- Complete the first three missions of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
- Call each other “bae” and order ramen burgers using Seamless
- Perform three vape tricks
- Be able to competently Whip/Nae Nae
And that’s it! Then they can have the wonderful modern medicine that will save their lives! Or they can die in a period-appropriate manner—at the age of 35!
Wasn’t the past grand!