Well it’s Christmas again, and it’s not shaping up to be a good one. According to ShadowStats, almost 1 in 4 Americans are out of work. And in the coming years as the developed world finances the largest retirement wave in human history, spending on Social Security and Medicare will devour most of our country’s net worth.
Young people won’t keep what they earn. Instead they will spend their lives paying for the entitlements of their parents and grandparents.
Therefore in the spirit of the holidays, I have a modest proposal to relieve the financial strain on the young and the vulnerable of this country. If you are over the age of 60, I know of something you can do for your kids, and for us all really, this Christmas season. You can kill yourself.
I can’t tell you how sad it makes me to write that. Our elders are the conscience of our society. No child should ever be deprived of the sight of an elderly man gleefully plowing his Cadillac through a crowded market or of an elderly woman adopting—and then in turn immediately neglecting—her seventeenth stray cat.
But we don’t live in a world of “feelings.” We live in a world of cold hard truths (ha ha—thank God). The elderly population has grown like one of those cancers everyone seems to be surviving for far too long. You old people have had your fun. Now 50-60% of you must be pruned back. You can protest and lobby some more—we know you’re good at that—or you can do something for those less fortunate this year. You can kill yourself.
The truth is: we just can’t afford to keep you anymore. And that of course brings us to another, perhaps even sadder, truth. Not only can we not afford to keep you, but we can’t afford to kill you either.
That’s why in the spirit of Christmas, we’re respectfully asking people to do it themselves.
“When there is no more room in hell, the dead shall walk the earth.”
Since the dawn of man, human beings have had to deal with the problem of people getting too old to work. In some primitive societies, the elderly were simply left behind or put on an iceberg and pushed away from shore (my preference because it allows you to see the look on the “retired” person’s face as he floats away, powerless to continue taking everyone else’s shit).
Today we have too many mouths to feed and not enough icebergs. The baby boomer generation simply didn’t have enough kids to support it in its old age. Compounding this laziness—or perhaps manifesting as yet another symptom of it—the baby boomers voted themselves ever greater entitlements in the form of Social Security, Medicare and the prescription drug benefit.
Here’s the problem in a nutshell.
Source: Michael Cembalest.
Old people will get $330,000 more in benefits than they paid in taxes. Meanwhile young people will pay $420,000 more in taxes than they get in benefits.
After reading these figures, I have come to believe there is no such thing as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. There is only an elderly person losing control over his urges and deciding to feed on a young person all at once instead of slowly over a lifetime.
How did this happen?
By 2050, there will be 90 million people over age of 65, and more than 20 million of them will be over the age of 85. Imagine the smell of 20 million 85-year-olds locked in a poorly-ventilated room and then see if you can eat a meal. Hell, see if you can even sleep through the night or hold down a job after that. An acquaintance of mine now pisses his pants every time Wilford Brimley comes on the air to talk about diabeetus. His bladder isn’t weak. It’s just ahead of its time.
The number of retired people started exploding upward in 2010. However, there aren’t enough young people to replace the baby boomers. In the U.S. and indeed across the entire developed world, people stopped having children in sufficient numbers in the 1960s.
Source: PRB.org, National Center for Health Statistics.
Starting in the late 1960s, people stopped defining their lives by family. Instead they threw themselves into self-improvement, psychoanalysis and spiritual journeys to “countries” where the local people made homes out of snot and subsisted on a diet of mud, berries and U.N. food donations. In short, they tried to become “happy.”
And a horror would be set in motion.
The old-age dependency ratio—a.k.a. the “Depends” Index—tells the story. It measures the number of old dependents relative to young, actually worthwhile people.
Source: Michael Mandel, “The Real News About Dependency Ratios” Businessweek.com
With a coming Depends ratio of 70%, every ten young people in Japan will have seven elderly dependents to carry on their backs—while being subjected to babbling, inane advice and stories about people who died decades ago (if they ever existed at all).
In Japan, they sell more adult diapers than baby diapers. And America is catching up fast. Think about that for a moment. Your daughter, if she decides to go into the healthcare industry, is more likely to change a 70-year-old man’s diaper than a 7-day-old’s.
It’s a horrible thought. If this 70-year-old is anything like the cheerfully unconcerned old men you see cavorting around golf courses, it’s all too easy to visualize him squealing with delight as some poor young woman is forced to wipe him as though he were a Medici prince.
We must act fast to cull the elderly population. Japan and Western Europe have already fallen. But we have a chance to cut off the rot—right below its surgically-replaced knee, right above its Rockport orthopedic shoe.
Recycle your grandparents
Others have pointed out that we need not concern ourselves with the problems of the elderly. It is highly likely that if left unattended, many of them will simply wander off to die on their own.
The problem is that their lobby groups have already anticipated this.
This is why they have enacted Medicare and Social Security—programs which are the definition of a Ponzi scheme. Those who pay into these systems don’t actually have their money invested and put into productive activities. Instead the money from new investors (i.e. workers) is used to pay old investors (i.e. retirees).
The problem with a Ponzi scheme, besides the fact that it simply transfers money instead of growing it, is that it requires ever greater numbers of new investors. America, like Bernie Madoff, has the exact same problem. There just aren’t enough new investors to tax because America has run out of young people to screw.
If you were to add up all of America’s private assets and subtract the liabilities, you would get $92 trillion according to the Federal Reserve. That is our country’s net worth.
But we have a national debt of $17 trillion. Considering GDP—the value of everything we make each year—is only $16 trillion, that is a staggering sum. However, according to the U.S. government’s own numbers, we have an additional $80 trillion in unfunded liabilities from Medicare, Social Security and other similar programs. That puts America’s total debt at $97 trillion. Thus our true net worth is negative $5 trillion.
So in other words, if elderly people rounded us up in golf carts and confiscated all of our property, they still wouldn’t be able to afford all these programs that will fund their retirements.
This isn’t the way retirement used to work. It used to be that you actually saved money for retirement or you had sufficient number of children to provide for you. But today’s elderly were too lazy to do either.
Even the monkeys have the sense to procreate. I think you will agree a one-time blow to the elderly population should be in every child’s stocking this Christmas season.
Even a squirrel knows to save some nuts for winter
There are those who say we have a moral obligation to provide for the elderly because if we don’t, they will starve. To this, there is only one response. The below chart shows the percent of people by age group who don’t go online.
Source: Christopher Mims, qz.com.
As you can see, 44% of people over the age of 65 don’t go online. Ever. These people are savages. They don’t work. They don’t get on the internet to better themselves. Instead they seem content to stagnate and complain about vagaries like “the economy” or “the government” or “the doctor’s office.”
When it comes to the elderly, we see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it’s common. It’s trivial.
Examples in pop culture abound:
In The Color of Money, when Paul Newman said that “money won is twice as sweet as money earned,” he wasn’t referring to gambling winnings. It turns out he was referring to the lavish Medicare D benefits he was about to receive in the upcoming year.
Contrary to popular belief, AMC’s “The Walking Dead” is not a shallow drama about the zombie apocalypse. It’s actually a vicious satire of Medicare. You’ll notice the zombies always attack someone with their hands outstretched. That is because they are looking for yet another hand-out.
On a personal note, your humble author once witnessed two elderly women walking through downtown Los Angeles. One of whom was carrying her Social Security check. This glorified ward of the state glanced at it, then gestured to all of downtown and said to her friend: “You know, in a sense, this all belongs to me.”
If I still haven’t convinced you to help me adjust the elderly population, let me tell you something.
I suspect your whole life you’ve had a visceral hatred of old people, and you’ve never known why. But I know why you hardly sleep. I know why you live alone and why night after night you sit at your computer. There are others like you, average people who felt something was just not right with this world. Some of them felt a moral obligation to do something about it.
Below is a graph highlighting the rapid rise in elder abuse.
Source: Trends in Elder Abuse.
Who’s the real victim here? The elderly ruling class or the young “criminals” who have been consigned to second-class citizenship since birth?
Is striking a senior citizen truly an act of free will for a young person in a world that tells you you’re nothing, that your earnings aren’t even your own?
Young people are lost. They’re angry. And they’re looking for something their parents never gave them: a purpose. Join us.
Elder abuse is a growing movement in this country, and I expect it to become an accepted form of political expression. Abuse won’t just be the result of negligent nurses or malicious caregivers. You will start to see young activists and philosophy students getting it in on the act. It could be Vietnam all over again.
Suicide is a medicine not taken but given
Over the next 50 years, we will have 150 million elderly people pass through our various welfare schemes. As mentioned previously, the total liability of these schemes is $80 trillion. That means each senior citizen you encounter is a $500,000 ticking time bomb. If we could somehow convince just 10 to 20 million elderly people to kill themselves this Christmas, we could really put a dent in this thing.
Earlier when I asked elderly readers to kill themselves, I was perhaps revealing my trusting, idealistic nature. The fact that the elderly have already mortgaged future generations shows they are much too selfish to ever consider suicide. Therefore I propose to my young readers that we help make that decision for them.
The time is now, brothers and sisters. There is no better time to induce suicide than the holidays. The togetherness of the season sharpens the sting of social isolation, and everyone is so happy it makes miserable people feel even worse. Christmas parties offer you the chance to plant the seeds of suicide in the old people you’d normally do pretty much anything not to look in the eye, much less converse with. Putting subliminal messages in Christmas carols is an excellent way to target the most vulnerable (i.e. those who live alone). And “volunteering” at nursing homes is also a great way to scale up and knock out an entire nest of elderly.
The holidays also bring families together. Using researched methods, we are working on pamphlets outlining the appropriate language one may use against a family member of advanced age.
A consulting psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins has provided the following sample script.
Grandma: I’m thinking of going for a walk today.
You: [painful smile like you need to say something but can’t]
Grandma: Is something wrong, dear?
You: It’s really wonderful the way you keep trying…you know, despite everything.
Grandma [smile falling]: What do you mean? Don’t…don’t you want me to go on a walk?
You: Well what would be the point? We both know you don’t have anywhere to walk to.
As you can see, the purpose is to impart a general hopelessness on the elderly target. The more subtle, the better. Old people are more likely to believe something when they think they’ve discovered it on their own. In that way they are not unlike children.
Should you find yourself hesitating to do your duty with respect a particular old person—an beloved elderly mother, for example—I have the following suggestion. As the old person is carrying on/singing an obsolete tune/playing with its toys, remove yourself mentally from the situation. Then look at this individual and ask yourself: is this person really worth $500,000?
Nine times out ten, this question answers itself.
And if that doesn’t work, I want you to do one thing this Christmas: think of the children. I want you to imagine your little Tommy’s reaction when he finds out Grandma and Grandpa are a drain so large they would suck the whole world into it. Then I want you to imagine little Tommy’s face when he finds out you knew this—and did nothing.
When he is older, who will explain to Tommy why no one loved him enough to kill his grandparents?
Not I, dear reader. Not I.
One final point: young people have said to me on several occasions: “I see these decrepit old people strolling around like they own the place, all cocky and full of themselves. Should I strike them with my motor vehicle?”
No! That’s just what they want! Some other ailment to brag about to their friends while they loaf about during the work week!
Besides you would go to jail, and we desperately need you working to pay to keep these people alive. It is a vicious irony today’s worker must endure: he must pay huge amounts of his income to keep alive the very people he so desperately needs to die.
With a little luck this Christmas, we can dump this albatross out of its walker and right out on its ass in the street.
Christmas is a time where one is often swept away by the generosity and good will of the holidays. My advice when you come into contact with elderly this season: don’t focus on the content of their character. Instead focus on the state of their bodies. Look closely at every wrinkle and liver spot until you feel their grotesqueness invading your senses, overwhelming your sanity.
The elderly prey on our love of weakness. This Christmas let’s show them our hatred of it.