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September 08, 2014

I am sick of evil celebrities. Actor Tom Hanks may once have been voted the most trusted man in America, but in real life the star of such Hollywood blockbusters as Forest Gump and Saving Private Ryan may not be the benign and gracious entity he is generally considered to be. The long-time movie icon recently became embroiled in an increasingly viscous war of words with several of his well-heeled neighbours. The increasingly venomous disagreement has been played out across a spectrum of social media sites over the course of the last week and raises questions about the once revered actor's true character. The dispute began after a former family friend used his Facebook account to alert the world of the allegedly unsavory role played by Hanks in the demise of a much loved pet budgie entrusted to the his care whilst its owners were on vacation. Upon their return from holiday, the heart-broken bird lovers were shocked to learn that their pet had died horribly whilst in the custody of Mr Hanks and crazed with grief, they took to the internet to pay tribute to the four year old bird and to denounce their famous neighbour for his conduct. Under a recent photograph of the Californian born thespian sporting a cat corpse hat, (SEE ABOVE) Facebook and My Space readers, amongst others, were shocked to read the following account of the events in question:- GONE TOO SOON "Tom Hanks lives next door to us and has caused the death of our budgie, Bobby. It was our own stupid fault in a way, because we already knew that Hanks has not long since killed a kitten after it looked at him the wrong way. Then , having throttled it, he fashioned he corpse into a furry hat and went strolling about in it publicly. We have uncovered photographic evidence of this outrage and posted it above You can tell from the picture that the hat was once a Persian kitten. We don't know what happened to its other two legs, yet. Nobody knows this except Hanks, since he was the one that throttled the creature. He probably cooked them in a stew and fed them to his dinner guests, the utter fucker. We're pretty sure that's what must have been what happened to the missing two legs. So everyone in the world should hear us clearly on this and never, whatever any of you do, live next door to Tom Hanks and don't give him custody of your pets if he rings you up one night and asks you to. The very night we left for our vacation, he left Bobby's cage door open ,in a room accessible to the massively unhinged Hanks family cat. Either he is evil or a half-wit, for doing this. We know not which for certain. But anyway, no matter how you slice this incident and its motivations, the fact remains that leaving Bobby the Budgie alone in a room with an unstable, under-medicated feline thug all night was only going to produce one result , which is that the bird got eaten. Hanks must have suspected this would happen but did nothing to stop it. As a matter of fact, we fear that he engineered the whole thing to satisfy his own sick blood lust and then lied about it afterwards .... and people say they trust him! How can they? He has the whole world fooled and is living a lie. We wouldn't mind but having imparted the bad news to us that the bird was dead and gone, Hanks still demanded budgie-sitting money from us in a very heated and shouty fashion. He said he was out of pocket through having to buy bird seed and Bobby got through a shit load of the stuff before that utter arse-hat of a cat gobbled him up. Hanks said he was sorry the little shit had been imbibed or whatever but he had every right to demand reimbursement for the price of the budgie food and he said he would sue us if the money wasn't forthcoming. When we continued to refuse, he threatened the life of our cockatoo. He says he wants $10, all told. Since when did one week's supply of bird seed cost TEN dollars? What the actual fuck is wrong with this man?!!!!! Also, he has recently invented a fucking i-pad application involving typewriters. Make no mistake about it, Tom Hanks is a monumental "wrong-un", and evil, of this there can clearly be no doubt. The absolute bottom line is this: - Hanks and his cat are a pair of thunder-fart scumbags and deserve to burn in hell. They are both dead to us now. Its a fucking shambles around here because of those two idiots. We have put our house on the market but nobody will buy it because its blighted on account of the Tom Hanks factor and this is not a trifling matter. He is a one man real estate price crash and a fornicator. This is for real, y'all, this is for real .... and nothing will change for as long as the powers that be refuse to slap an Anti-Social Behaviour Order on that bastard's ass, which they will never do unless he is caught red-handed impaling a random person in the street and someone actually manages to film him doing it. HANKS HITS BACK AT CRITICS "This is a load of bollocks of wildebeest. These people who are posting on my Facebook and Twitter accounts and spreading lies about me are all high on glue. I am the most trusted man on the planet for a reason and these small-minded billy-goat-tamperers are jealous of my majesty. Also, I am infallible, God like and totally fucking immortal and boy doesn't everyone resent this. As for the fish thing, people seem to forget that every time someone takes a fish out of this world, it counts as a mercy killing. Why the fuck should little fornicators like that be allowed to live, when they do fuck all but swim around like gormless turds all day and get fin rot and die at the drop of a hat? Why are people pretending to champion the welfare of these retarded, water dwelling imbeciles whose brethren they would eat as quick as look at, having first tortured the poor little fuck-wits with bloody great hooks to the mouth. Hypocrites much?! I am sick of living so close to an endless load of epic and perpetual thunder-dicks and I am sick of pretending to be nice when I am surrounded by people who don't have the brains God gave a flower pot. Also, I want to know how come so many of my neighbours have suffered multiple cranial events leading to significant and seemingly irreversible retardation? I am beginning to wonder whether there isn't a new brain-rotting virus doing the rounds. It makes me sad for the world, this collective brain flatulence, and frankly a little bit afraid of it all.Hanks was unavailable for comment MORE HANKS NEIGHBOURS JOIN THE FRAY Since details of Bobby the budgie's untimely demise first began to emerge on Facebook, several other of the actor's shell-shocked neighbours raced to post their own views on various social networking outlets and they confirm that they believe the star of recent movies like Captain Phillips and Saving Mr Banks to be guilty of murder and Budgiegate was no isolated incident.. In a recent tweet, one fellow resident who has lived in the house opposite the star for twenty years said this:- “It isn't just this latest incident with the budgerigar. That warped bastard and his evil moggy sidekick have been inflicting shock and awe on our once peaceful community for years. He makes no secret of the fact that a succession of his cats have been constantly killing things going back forever and we all know that there are rotting caucuses of illicit kills littered all around his house and in his refrigerator. We have called the police several times but they always refuse to come. Late last night (and not for the first time), the fucker could clearly be seen burying something in the yard. They won't be happy until the drains start to back up, Another fearful neighbour spoke of her horror at the perils of living in the vicinity of the Hanks reign of terror. "We are sick of it. He gets away with everything because of who he is but nobody knows the real Tom Hanks and if they did, they'd run a mile. Just because he is a movie star doesn't mean he isn't an absolute fornicator. And that cat of his is nothing but demented trailer trash”. Hanks was unavailable for further comment.

Tom Hanks Killed Our Budgerigar