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Published March 14, 2008

For I Am Zeus

Setting: A bar called Dionysian Delights.

At rise: LINDSEY, blonde, 25, and dressed in a tank top and short skirt, is sitting alone at a table for two. As she takes a sip of her appletini, ZEUS, wearing a toga and holding a lightning bolt in one hand and a scepter in the other, approaches her.

ZEUS

Mind if I join you?

LINDSEY

(setting her drink down) Actually-

(Zeus sits down and props his scepter and lightning bolt against the chair.)

ZEUS

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Zeus, god of everything. I know, I know, it’s a pleasure to meet me.

LINDSEY

I’ve never heard of you.

ZEUS

Sure you have! I live on Mount Olympus, I rule the heavens, and I have a bunch of kids...because I’m great at seducing women.

(Zeus kisses Lindsey’s hand.)

LINDSEY

(uncomfortably) Could you not do that? I don’t even know you!

ZEUS

All you need to know is that no woman can resist me, for I am Zeus!

LINDSEY

I’m sure some women can resist you.

ZEUS

Nope! When I want a woman, I get her...my success rate is one hundred and ten percent.

LINDSEY

That isn’t possible; nothing can be more than one hundred percent.

ZEUS

When you’re a god, anything is possible… (winking) Anything. And that’s why you’re going home with me tonight.

LINDSEY

No, I’m not!

ZEUS

Yes, you are…for I am Zeus.

LINDSEY

I don’t care who you are!

ZEUS

You know, I own this place.

LINDSEY

I thought it was owned by some guy named Dionysus.

ZEUS

Well, he’s my son and I own him, so technically I own this bar.

LINDSEY

I don’t think that’s how it works.

ZEUS

Oh, I’m sorry, are you a god?

LINDSEY

No.

ZEUS

Well, I am and I know everything. When you become an omnipotent ruler, you can make the rules.

LINDSEY

I don’t want to be an omnipotent ruler.

ZEUS

Don’t worry, you’re a woman, so you never will be.

LINDSEY

What’s that supposed to mean?

ZEUS

Nothing, just that women aren’t capable of being good rulers.

LINDSEY

That is not true!

ZEUS

I’m not being sexist, but a true leader must rule with an iron fist... (disdainfully) Not a freshly manicured hand slathered in lavender-scented moisturizer!

LINDSEY

You are sexist!

ZEUS

You mean sex-y.

LINDSEY

Whatever.

ZEUS

In order to be a successful ruler, you must be a manly man who strikes fear into the hearts of all that must answer to you.

LINDSEY

It has to take more than that! What about compassion or understanding-

ZEUS

(jumping up suddenly) Look at how strong I am!

(Zeus picks up the lightning bolt and lifts it over his head with one arm, then keeps moving it up and down, as if he is lifting weights.)

ZEUS

I’m not even breaking a sweat!

LINDSEY

(rolling her eyes) Impressive...

(Zeus throws the lightning bolt in the air and catches it with one hand. He puts it down and flexes his muscles.)

ZEUS

Watch out for these guns…if you’re not careful, you might get shot.

LINDSEY

(repulsed) Oh, my god.

ZEUS

Don’t act like you don’t love the guns. You know you want to touch them.

LINDSEY

No, I really don’t.

ZEUS

Of course you do, and who could blame you? I’ve got a chiseled body even the most muscular god would envy! Now you will touch the guns, for I am Zeus.

(Zeus flexes his muscles and flicks each bicep.)

ZEUS

Alright, the safety’s on. Go ahead and feel ‘em.

LINDSEY

No, thank you. I’m not really into guns.

ZEUS

Not even these guns?

LINDSEY

Especially not those guns.

ZEUS

You mean you don’t want to pull my trigger?

LINDSEY

(looking as if she might vomit) I’ve never wanted anything less.

ZEUS

Not even malaria?

LINDSEY

(relenting a little) Getting malaria might be just a tiny bit worse than touching you.

ZEUS

I knew I’d wear you down. You know how?

LINDSEY

For you are Zeus?

ZEUS

Yes, for I am Zeus, and all women want to sleep with me, even the lesbians...and some men!

LINDSEY

Really...

ZEUS

And you know what? Some of those guys weren’t even gay... can you believe it? I’m so incredibly sexy that even straight guys can’t live without me!

LINDSEY

Good for you.

ZEUS

My own family members can’t resist me! I slept with an aunt and two of my sisters...and I married both of the sisters. I wasn’t married to Demeter for very long, but it feels like I’ve been married to Hera for an eternity.

LINDSEY

If you’re married, what are you doing hitting on random women in bars?

ZEUS

I’m married, not dead. We have an open relationship.

LINDSEY

Does she know that?

ZEUS

She suspects it. What do you expect me to do? Spend all of eternity just sleeping with my sister?

LINDSEY

You’re disgusting!

ZEUS

What? She came onto me!

LINDSEY

I can believe that you’re sick enough to hit on your relatives, but I refuse to believe that any woman is desperate enough to come on to her brother!

ZEUS

What if her brother is really hot?

LINDSEY

That doesn’t make it okay!

ZEUS

Sure it does...regular rules don’t apply to beautiful people. If they did, there would be chaos.

LINDSEY

I think that having sex with your family members qualifies as chaos. In fact, it’s the most disgusting-

ZEUS

(interrupting her) Silence, mortal! You do not understand the ways of the gods. Even trying to understand would make your head explode...literally. That’s what happened to Dionysus’ mother-she asked to see my true form and it was so magnificent that she burst into flames...that’s probably why Dionysus drinks so much.

LINDSEY

What do you mean she “asked to see your true form”?

ZEUS

Oh, I had to disguise myself as a mortal, so she wouldn’t feel like she wasn’t worthy of having her world rocked by the Zeus. She didn’t even suspect that the guy she slept with was me until the next morning when she woke up four months pregnant.

LINDSEY

(skeptical) What?

ZEUS

Yes, I’m that good. I slept with this one chick nine nights in a row and she got pregnant every time! Boy, was she mad when she ended up with nine kids-she hates children! Last I heard, she was locked up in an insane asylum; I guess she just couldn’t handle it when I left her...most women have a really hard time getting over me.

LINDSEY

Yeah, I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that you left her alone to raise nine children...

ZEUS

Nope, it was the Zeus withdrawals.

LINDSEY

Having nine kids would send anyone to an asylum-it’s the only way they’d get any peace!

ZEUS

I’ve got dozens of kids and I turned out fine!

LINDSEY

Uh, no, you didn’t, and you don’t take care of your kids! You just knock the mothers up and leave!

ZEUS

That’s a lie! I’m a great father!

LINDSEY

Do you even know how many kids you have?

ZEUS

Of course I do. I have eighty...or is it ninety?

LINDSEY

You have so many kids that you don’t even know the exact number! Don’t you think you might have a problem?

ZEUS

I’ll figure it out. Just let me do the math. (counting on his fingers) Hera-3, Demeter-1, Leto-2, Mnemosyne-9, Themis-6, Elektra-3, Niobe-2, Kallisto-1, Pandora-2...

LINDSEY

(disgusted) How many women have you gotten pregnant?

ZEUS

I don’t know, fifty or so. You could be number fifty-one or so if you play your cards right...

LINDSEY

I do not want to give birth to anything with your messed-up, sister-loving DNA!

ZEUS

You would be lucky to have my babies-there’s a reason so many women want me!

LINDSEY

Oh, really? Then why did you have to trick Dionysus’ mother into sleeping with you?

ZEUS

I already told you! Some women feel threatened by my good looks, so now and then, I have to ugly myself up a little! You’ll never understand because you’re not as beautiful as I am.

LINDSEY

You know, disguising yourself so you can have sex with unsuspecting women technically makes you a rapist. That’s no way for a god to act!

ZEUS

The whole point of being a god is that you can take whatever you want!

LINDSEY

You are a dirty old man! Now if you don’t mind, my boyfriend is supposed to meet me here, and I don’t want to have to make him kick your ass!

ZEUS

Yeah, like your mortal boyfriend could take me...

LINDSEY

I’m not going home with you, so you might as well leave.

ZEUS

(sighing) Fine, I’ll go, but I will have you eventually...for I am Zeus!

LINDSEY

Go away!

(Zeus pouts and picks up his scepter and lightning bolt. He flexes his muscles.)

ZEUS

Take a good look at these ‘cause you’ll be seeing them in your dreams every night!

LINDSEY

You mean nightmares?

ZEUS

(offended) You know what? I changed my mind-I’m not going to sleep with you! You could’ve had a piece of the Zeus, but you just lost your chance! I wouldn’t sleep with you if you begged me to! Good job, genius!

(Zeus storms out of the bar.)

LINDSEY

Finally!

(Lindsey takes a sip of her watered-down drink as DAVE, a tall man in his late twenties, enters and walks over to her.)

DAVE

I’m sorry I’m late.

LINDSEY

What took you so long?

DAVE

I got held up at work. You’re not mad, are you?

LINDSEY

No, I’m not mad. It’s just, some creep was hitting on me, and no matter how many times I told him I wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t leave me alone. He was relentless!

DAVE

I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. So do you want to stay here or-

LINDSEY

I’m too traumatized right now. Do you mind if we just go home?

DAVE

Of course I don’t mind.

(Lindsey stands up; Dave takes her hand and begins leading her out of the bar. As he nears the exit, we see that part of a toga is hanging out of the bottom of his shirt. Dave turns to the audience and winks. The lights fade to black.)

Copyright ©2006

By Crystal Smith

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