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May 27, 2012

A short essay in the defense of crack usage by seniors.


Every time I see some used and abused crack head offering to “tug my cricket” for the change in my pocket I just think one thing: why not live like that when I’m older? Much older? Crack is that thing that people do when they just lose all hope in life and need some escape from the troubles that real life brings. I’m not saying that I need crack now, or maybe ever. But how about as an old man? How about when I hit the ripe n’ ready age of 100?

Let’s take a look at the depressing facts: crack is ludicrously addictive. Possibly the most addictive form of cocaine known to man. People that use crack (or, “crackers” as some media hounds refer to them) are at risk for the usual effects of cocaine (stuff like dangerously elevated blood pressure, extreme heart rate , risk of seizure and cardiac arrest) as well as respiratory disorders, like coughing, bleeding, shortness of breath, and lung trauma. Crack use can also cause paranoia and aggressiveness. Now keep in mind that I’ll also be 100 years old, I’ll be feeling most of that shit WITHOUT the help of crack.

Now let’s take a look at the not so depressing facts: crack increases levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which is associated with pleasure and increased movement. Meaning, it makes you feel really, really fucking good. And let’s face it; at the age of 100, anyone would do just about anything to feel anything. Why not feel something with the help of good, ol’ crack? 

The way I see thisplaying out in my head is a WIN-WIN scenario. If I become a cracker at 100, it won’t really ruin my life. I won’t have any business meetings I’ll miss because I was too busy smoking crack. My family won’t really mind my antics while I’m high off crack. If anything, they could chalk up all the shivering and rambling and broken promises to senility. I’ll have people to take care of me. How many people do you see throwing grandpa out on his ass because he’s tired and is talking way too much shit? Let a man have his crack and smoke it too.

Now the other winning scenario is that I’ll smoke crack, feel incredible for 5 or 10 minutes and then die. Now, would you rather spend your last moments on Earth lying in a hospital bed with tubes and shit in your neck? Waiting for the grim reaper to finger you while you’re lying in a bed that feels like someone knitted those sheets out of paper? Or would you rather spend it doing back flips and pushups telling everyone you can see ten seconds into the future and can foresee everything that’s going to happen next but you have a delay time of eleven seconds? In a perfect world one of two things could happen if I were to try crack at that age: I could either die instantly or live for another 100 years. The way I see it, I can't lose!