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September 06, 2017
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NOTE: No need to visit the deep web for this one, so save your satoshi’s. We’re going analog, like they did in the early 90s, when all they hacked were sacks.

Hey guys, digital influencer and anarchist Tasty Mayhem, here. Quick question for my subs: am I the only one who really looks forward to the fall? No, I don’t mean the fall of the government oppressors, goose-stepping their way around the Monopoly board of state-sponsored violence (though that fall is coming too!!). I mean fall the season. Back-to-skipping-school time, black-leather trench-coat weather, pumpkin-spice lattes…

Wait, WHAT?? Did he just utter the credo of the sheeple? PUMPKIN? SPICE?? LATTE??? Well don’t phreak just yet, I’m not about to suckle at the udder of temptress Staryuck. Turns out the PSL is the perfect base for:

NAPALM! And nothing says fall more than flammable jelly.

Ingredients:

  • 1 Pumpkin Spice Latte
  • As many plastic coffee stirrers as they got
  • Gasoline (optional)
  • A lighter

NOTE: No need to visit the deep web for this one, so save your satoshi’s. We’re going analog, like they did in the early 90s, when all they hacked were sacks. (And the web, but the web was different back then. E.g. it was called the web).

Directions:

1) Find a Starbucks. It’s the spot on the corner with free nutmeg (for smoking) and free toilets (for clogging). Still need a hint? Follow the pallid, dead-eyed worker drones in their pinstripe straight-jackets. BINGO.

2) Order One (1) Pumpkin Spice Latte. Repeatedly ask the over-caffeinated marionette behind the counter for “more shots of pumpkin spice.” Irrelevant to the recipe, but boy does it piss them off.

3) Don’t drink the sludge! These narco-nostalgic cocktails are designed to hack your better judgement and then ZWAP! it’s a slippery slope to Coca-Cola Santa’s own private brainwash swill: the SALTED CARAMEL MOCHA, accelerant of the XXX-mas consumption machine!

FUN FACT: When engaging in “illegal” activities, I like to change my identity, obv. Not trying to make the Gestapo’s job any easier here! But at Snorebucks, even if you use your real name, they’ll change it for you! At first I naively hoped this was the result of an anarcho-infiltration into the ranks of the corporate cult. Alas, it’s only incompetence.

4) Stir the PSL with plastic stirrers. (Some say add gasoline, but this will only dilute the final product. The pumpkin spice latte is far more explosive on its own). The stirrers will gradually dissolve in the toxic espresso “drink.”

5) Almost there. Reward yourself with a pirated episode of Mr. Robot.

6) Continue adding stirrers until you reach the desired consistency for your… DEADLY AUTUMNAL SLURRY! You did it!

Now blast some Wagner, ignite the mixture, and enjoy the smell of napalm AND coffee in the morning! (Or whenever. Time is a societally constructed imposition on chaos, natch.)

If you enjoyed this recipe, consider donating to my channel or erasing the debt record. Running an anarchy cooking blog isn’t cheap and my mom said she’s going to make me start paying rent.

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