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July 17, 2017
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I am truly sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you don't get to die. Nope, you're gonna live forever. So yeah, we're all fucked.

Well, get fucking ready for this – reincarnation is real and we all have to live forever. FOREVER. God fucking damn it.

I was at my father’s funeral this past weekend (burying the old man) when a little puppy came running up to me outside the funeral home. I picked the cute guy up and right away there was something familiar going on. I didn’t know it quite yet, but I was cradling my father.

The dog kept yelping every time I took a drag from my cigarette - something my late father did. I was shocked by the coincidence. I couldn’t believe it. So, I decided to test how else this strange feral pup was like my father.

I brought the dog over to my car where there was a half-eaten provolone and pickle cheesesteak smothered in ketchup - a meal that, as far as I know, only my father and I enjoy. My friends scoff at me when I eat this - which I do twice a day - so I think liking this food is for sure a genetic thing. Boy howdy, this little guy ate it up like it was his last supper - or as I came to realize, his first meal. Right then, I was like, “Dad, you’re a dog.”

I was SO furious. My poor father lived a long ass life - 37 non-stop years on a dirty rock orbiting a cancer-causing star - all in a freezing, dark vacuum. Now he has to live for something like 15ish more years – and as a weird outdoor dog for fucks sake. Just when we all thought that poor, dear Pop pop finally got a break, he comes waddling up to me ON ALL FOURS as confused as the god damn day he was born. HE. HAS TO DO. THIS. ALL. AGAIN. WHAT THE FUCK!?

It’s been a couple days now living with my dad (the dog) and it is clear he is imprisoned in his new demon-hound body. He is not happy. Just this morning I caught him staring out the window and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking: where’s the pearly gates? Where’s God and all His wisdom? Where’s the peace I’ve been promised? And right then, in the middle of that thought, he had an itch in his puppy crotch that was so aggravating he had to gnaw at it with his new puppy mouth. The same mouth he uses to consume Natural Balance Chicken & Sweet Potato Formula Dry Dog Food to continue his long, agonizing life. What a joke. God is a bully.

Of course, I’ve thought about taking Dad the dog out back and ending this for him - but knowing what I now know about reincarnation, I’m scared to think of what he may come back as. A hamster? A bronzini? A goddamn fucking flower? Horrible. Awful. This world is a nightmare. A never-ending nightmare.

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