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April 22, 2011

False account of a conference of oddly-appellated world leaders.

image President Goodluck Jonathan In his country’s capital of Abuja on Tuesday, recently re-elected Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan delivered the opening address of a three-day conference of world leaders who have odd and funny-sounding names. “My name comes from a tradition in my part of Nigeria,” said Jonathan, “In which parents name their child for the aspirations that they have for him. I acknowledge that many people may find my name amusing, but to disrespect a name is the height of insensitivity and petty cruelty.” The crowd of oddly-appellated leaders from around the world erupted in applause after these statements. Also making speeches on opening night were President Jesus Cojones of the Central American republic of Hidalgo, Hussein Al Nurd, Emir of the gulf state of Nestir and Prince Otto Von Katzenwippin of the small alpine nation of Hausberg. Although U.S. President Barack Obama’s name is not considered funny enough to warrant his inclusion in the conference, he did send several goodwill representatives, including rapper Diddy and NFL legend Dick Butkis. “When you have achieved the status of world leader, it’s time for people to stop making fun of your name and start honoring it,” said St. Tropi Prime Minister Dancy Butts, also in attendance, to reporters. “It hurts our credibility when we are humiliated for our names by the world press, by bloggers looking for cheap laughs and by late-night talk show hosts in America with the same first names as popular pulp fantasy characters.” A more positive spin was given by the President of Remittia.”For many of us, our unusual names and the teasing we received for them as children served as an incentive to become achievers,” said President Sharkgut Rochester. “Had I been given a more common name I would probably still be working as a commercial fisherman like my father.” While Wednesday’s schedule was largely reserved for regional conference discussion groups, there were also statements read by Premier Finshave Taco of Almedinia, President Bobo Toboboro of the Mestan Republic, King Saysaysay Nutpitt III of Tomatilla and Cazillian Prime Minister Sex Machine Johnston. The closing comments of the day were spoken by the Nile Republic’s premier, George Gaywad, followed by a closing performance of music by the Singing Lindas of Hausberg under the direction of Salad Pemakmak. Thursday morning will feature resolution-signing ceremonies, a few more musical performances and closing comments by President Jonathan and Brantistan President Motobop Hubahuba. “We’ve been working toward this for years,” said Dyakistani President Myasshurtz Veneral Topweave. “I never thought I’d see this day in my lifetime. I thought perhaps that my son, Myasshurtz Veneral Topweave II would be able to attend such a conference after I’m gone. I’ve very happy to have been proven wrong.” Also attending the conference are Kingdom Of Keineland Premier Martin Loser-Sheissenassen, Bakacek President Grabsak Hootenanni, Horn Islands Prime minister Pigeye Golf-on-the-Moon Whorebaker and Zeus Allen Maggotcock Poppy God Tisselmango Spitterson, Parliament Chairman of the State Of Centralia. image