Full Credits

Stats & Data

291Funny
287Die
19,821
Views
November 05, 2015
Published
Description

#BlackLivesMatter is an important movement. #AllLivesMatter is not true and is kind of racist.

Black Lives Matter is a movement that shines a light on how racism plays a role in many aspects of society, but especially when it comes to police relations with black people. Of course, some people ignore the truths of their own modern racism and those folks insist it should be called,“All Lives Matter.” Well of course all lives matter. Pointing out the systematic dysfunction where black people are unfairly targeted doesn’t mean that other lives don’t matter too. But I take issue with the idea that ALL lives matter. There are some shitty people out there and their lives don’t matter. Like at all.

1. Never Repliers

repliers.jpg

If you never put your phone down when we’re together, I know you see my text coming through now

Guess what? I know you look at your phone constantly as if it’s your own beating heart outside of your body so when it takes you days or weeks to reply to a text I know you’re ignoring me. I asked how things were going on Monday, and you don’t answer till Thursday? Where the fuck have you been? My life doesn’t matter enough to respond to, then your life doesn’t matter.

2. Lizard People

lizard-612592_640.jpg

Put this guy in a fancy suit and I’m still not scared

I’m not afraid of Lizard People. I don’t believe in Lizard People. People who do believe in Lizard People are super scared of them and worry that they are secretly running the country or even the world. Maybe even the heavens? Why lizards? Aren’t there smarter animals to rule the world? What about Fox People? Foxes are smart and cunning. A Fox Person would convince me that we are friends and then go behind my back and steal all my babies. Fox People are scary. Lizard People don’t matter.

3. Baby Seal Clubbers

seal.jpg

What bastard would hit this baby?

This is still happening!! Hunters kill 500,000 seals annually for their fur. Straight up baby seals being clubbed. I thought we solved this cruelness in the ’90s when we were throwing paint on anyone with a fuzzy jacket. You can’t kill baby animals to wear them! We have better materials than seal fur! We have cashmere! Baby Seal Clubbers, your lives don’t matter.

4. The Guy from Sleeping With The Enemy

sleeping-with-the-enemy.jpg

He’s so much scarier than even this photo. Bad vibes, Mr.!

This dude from the 1991 film still haunts my dreams. He tried to hurt everyone’s favorite American actress, Julia Roberts. In fact, to anyone who has hurt or tried to hurt Julia Roberts, your life doesn’t matter. Julia is a treasure and deserves only happiness and love. Remember that scene from Sleeping with the Enemy when he flips out because the cans aren’t all facing the right direction?? My father-in-law is like that, but it’s just a cute personality trait, not a clue to his homicidal psyche. Martin Burney, your life doesn’t matter.

5. Nazis

nazis.jpg

Goes without saying. Nazis are the worst. They were the first people that came to my mind when I thought of writing this list. Really nothing new to say about Nazis. Their lives don’t matter. Duh. Case closed.

Advertisement