This week’s tweets are growing up so fast.
man it seems as if all my friends are either getting married, having kids, or are my third friend blake— rob whisman (@robwhisman) July 1, 2016
The FBI keeps a watch list of people who pronounce mature "maTOOR."— Kristin (@FeralCrone) June 30, 2016
One thing I admire about toddlers is that careful moment of deliberation before they decide the size of the tantrum they're about to unleash— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 7, 2016
If Law and Order borrows from real-life headlines they're gonna have one repetitive season coming up.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 7, 2016
COACH: get on base & steal second— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 2, 2016
NIC CAGE: get on base & steal the declaration of independence—got it
COACH: what pic.twitter.com/EQv3Pm0hOm
I got kicked off Masterchef Season 3 when my wig blew off and everyone saw my chef's hat underneath— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) July 3, 2016
Date: I love traveling— james nielssen (@cool_as_heck) July 8, 2016
Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] That is my favorite basketball rule violation
People don't talk about the anti-oatmeal bias in the Sopranos pic.twitter.com/ti3P45Bexf— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) July 6, 2016
Glaring scientific inaccuracy in MEN IN BLACK: Will Smith says he "make(s) this look good" but Tommy Lee Jones looks good as well— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) July 6, 2016
Pro tip: if u ever text something weird to ur gf, just say "sorry wrong person" & she'll let it go. Works every time pic.twitter.com/wgFAEFn3fA— Drew Gooden (@drewisgooden) July 1, 2016
[normal life]— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 5, 2016
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
RIP theater designer who died in the middle of dictating this sign pic.twitter.com/XzNGLtSsyD— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 8, 2016
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 5, 2016
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If your aunt gives you a Jeff Foxworthy book because you "like funny things," you might be a me.— Mike (@mijamtweets) July 1, 2016
Movies:"Of course I recognize you, in 2009 we exchanged a glance"— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) July 4, 2016
Real life:"apparently that chatty old lady in the elevator was my grandma"
Be sure to google your dad's name juuust to make sure there's not a video of him crying on Maury because he just found out you were his kid.— Rob Fee (@robfee) July 2, 2016
My neighbor is still lighting fireworks. I hope they burn down his Christmas decorations.— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) July 6, 2016
i don’t get this Margot Robbie profile at all. pic.twitter.com/gDc886RxVz— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) July 6, 2016
a lot of people meditate for an hour a day but i meditated once for like 8 minutes and pretty much finished it no problem— derek (@eedrk) June 28, 2016
It's been a rough week but I recently saw a truck that looked happy to have its job and that's nice. pic.twitter.com/JFff3PHoTP— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) July 8, 2016
Imagine Goosebumps titles these days:— mail me a shoe (@egg_dog) July 6, 2016
'Swipe right …AND DIE!'
'the Unretractable Heelyz'
'Walk on a Crack… Vape your mother's Snapchat'
Welcome to my BBQ. No, we're not grilling anything. Grab a Soylent and enjoy the anime babes on the napkins. Now, let's talk about vaccines.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 4, 2016
"Let us out or I swear we'll jump through this goddamn glass." pic.twitter.com/McBiiDo47G— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) July 8, 2016
The only thing that makes me smile anymore is thinking about how Trump is really just Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.— Dan Telfer (@dantelfer) July 8, 2016
1998:— Carol (@Carols10cents) July 2, 2016
- Don't get in strangers' cars
- Don't meet ppl from internet
- Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016