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January 05, 2015
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The NYPD are declining to make arrests and turning their backs on the mayor. Pretty sure that means they have to give us rides on their horses.

police horse.jpg

Now is not a great time to have a calm discussion about race with the NYPD, but it is a great time to hitch a ride on a police horse.

The NYPD have instituted a work slowdown, refusing to arrest or ticket perpetrators of minor crimes. They have also twice turned their backs on Mayor Bill de Blasio at slain officers’ funerals to demonstrate how his remarks about preparing his own African-American son for encounters with police hurt their feelings.

Even though the NYPD is currently not making itself useful as a police force, that’s OK. NYPD cops are obviously very sensitive and need some self-care time. But New York City is a creative place. We won’t let 35,000 cops go to waste. Here are some other ways we can put them to use until they feel ready to start doing police work again.


Source of Green Energy

If cops feel they have to turn their backs every time Mayor de Blasio appears, that’s pretty disrespectful, but also a great way to reduce NYC’s carbon footprint. Stay with me here:

1. Attach an NYPD officer to a fulcrum.
2. Have someone dressed as Mayor Bill de Blasio (or the real de Blasio, if available) step in front of him.
3. Cop will turn his back.
4. Present him with a second de Blasio.
5. Repeat with as many de Blasios as necessary as cop turns the fulcrum, charging an attached battery.
6. Power the Empire State Building.


Holders of Shopping Bags

If NYPD officers plan to stand around rather than fight petty crime, they presumably won’t mind holding your J. Crew bags while you just pop into Zara.

1. Go ahead, find a cop and hang them on his shoulders. He’ll love it.
2. Do not forget to tip.


Sympathetic Ear

The holidays are hard on everyone, not just cops. If you feel the need to vent, the NYPD is there to listen.

1. Go up to any New York cop and ask him why he’s not arresting the guy smoking a pipe in Gap Kids.
2. He will explain that he is protesting Mayor de Blasio’s implication that some cops can be racist.
3. Listen politely until he is done, then say, “Oh, man, that’s just like my brother, he never listens either,” and then tell him a long story about a fight you had with your brother about Serial the day after Christmas.
4. Feel free to urinate on the sidewalk while you do this. The cop will not arrest you.


Furniture Movers

Need to get your new couch up to your apartment? No problem. New York’s Finest are here.

1. Hand couch to 2–4 cops.
2. Tell cops that Mayor de Blasio is up in the fourth floor walkup, where no one is turning their backs to him.
3. Cops will carry couch upstairs.
4. When cops do not find de Blasio in the apartment, tell them de Blasio turned into a bird and flew away.
5. Cops will not believe you. They are not stupid. But “lying about bird mayor” is only a misdemeanor so they will not be able to do anything.
6. Urinate on the floor.


Horsey Rides

You’ve always wanted to ride a police horse, right? Well now you can. Here’s how.

1. Jump up behind a mounted policeman.
2. When he starts to turn around to see who the fuck just jumped up on his horse, say “I’m de Blasio,” real quick.
3. Now he can’t turn around, can he?
4. Go for a ride.
5. Don’t urinate on the horse. Come on.


Jewel Theft Accomplice

Never mind, just tried this one and it turns out they are still arresting people for this.

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