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This was written for Savage Henry Magazine's September issue. check them out at savagehenrymagazine.com

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September 15, 2011

Nerds love videogames and reading how to beat videogames in a thing called a "walkthrough." So I decided to write a walkthrough that would actually be helpful to nerds.

If there are 2 things nerds love its 1) beating a video game and 2) telling us how to beat said video game in something called a “walkthrough”. Since they waste so many hours doing such banal tasks as counting how many extra lives there are in Battletoads, I’ve decided to thank them by giving back to the nerd community. The following is a walkthrough that might help these dorks win at the videogame known as life.

Here is the Getting Laid Walkthrough

(This is a guide for GUY NERDS only, cuz girl nerds only need a popular guy to give them a makeover in order to get laid a bunch. It’s true, I saw it in a movie preview once.)

Level 1 - Getting Dressed for the Occassion

Since you’re a nerd, you are probably ugly. First go into the closet and find a piece of clothing that covers most of your face (a wrestling mask or a backwards hooded sweatshirt should work fine.) Now leave your parent’s house and head to a bar. NOTE: Gamestop is NOT a bar.

Level 2 - Meeting a Chick

When choosing a lady, keep in mind that you’re really really ugly. Going for an attractive girl will make the game a long, arduous task that will most likely get you beat up by her boyfriend or beat up by her, since you’re not only ugly but super duper weak. The quick and easy way to beat the game is to look for the girl who is almost as ugly as you are. If you’re Mario then ugly girls are your warp whistles.

Level 3 - Talking to a Chick

Walk up to her and talk to her without bringing up any of the following:
a) Videogames
b) Anime
c) Mountain Dew
d) your pocket pussy
You’re now having a conversation with a girl! She’s probably into you because she’s accepted the fact that she’ll never be with a guy she’s actually attracted to. She’s just so lonely and broken down at this point that she’s willing to talk to anyone not behind a drive-thru window.
This doesn’t mean you don’t have to buy her tons and tons of drinks. Just cuz she’s ugly, doesn’t mean she’s not nauseated by the acne she can see poking through your wrestling mask. Getting her drunk will make it easier for the both of you.

Level 4 - Having Sex with her in the Car

This is the FINAL LEVEL. Most people would tell you that before having sex you should use the frog suit (wear a condom) but since all that Mountain Dew has made you infertile, just don’t worry about it. You’re the rare case where getting an STD will make your parents happy because it means you’re actually using your dick (and not on your pocket pussy.)
If you can insert your penis into her vagina BEFORE prematurely ejaculating then technically you’ve won!!! CONGRATULATIONS! Follow me on twitter @corneezy