There is nothing I hate more than going to use a public restroom at a bar or club and upon arriving in my momentary escape from the music, booze, and people I hate bumping into and forced into conversation with, finding a “bathroom attendant”. Notice I use the word “bathroom attendant” in quotes because the actual term that comes to every man’s mind when they see this guy is “son of a bitch”.
Because in that precise moment you have just realized this will be no sort of relaxing bathroom break. This has simply become an extension of the awkward scene you just excused yourself from to use the bathroom for in the first place. So you use the facilitities and contemplate the biggest decision of the next 2 minutes of your life. Will I wash my hands and give myself a quick check in the mirror, or do I just make a B-line for the door?
I, myself take the B-line decision about 95% of the time. Because just like you, I want nothing to do with any kind of uncomfortable sales pitch for some cologne. I mean don’t these guys realize we put cologne on before we went out? Yea, I want to add to the scent of my cologne by putting on your shitty cologne over it. But I digress.
Back to the point. Every once in a while we all may feel the presence of some booger or pimple that needs tending to. Now we’re blessed with the situation of trying to fix our appearance while this ex-crackhead, well we all are hoping EX-crackhead, tries to pawn us off anything from a mint to a watch. What does this guy get for checking us out in a somewhat homoerotic way? A punch to the face? Kick to the balls? No. He gets a dollar.
These possibly homosexual crackheads off the streets have cunningly found a loophole in the rules of society. Only in this exact setting can their perverted tactics not only be accepted, but can be monetarily rewarded as well. How have we accepted these terms for so long? Maybe these ex-crackhead bathroom sons of bitches are smarter than we ever realized… Maybe they’re figuring out more societal anomalies every day… Maybe they’re not even ex-crackheads…
So the next time you use a bathroom and see one of these wizards waiting for you, simply go up to him and stare aimlessly for 30-45 seconds. And then ask him for a dollar. I guarantee they’ll start to realize we’re on to them. And then it’s their move next…
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