in 1492, Christopher Columbus arrived in America via his Spaceship the SS Santa Maria. Sure we all know that part. However, aboard his ship was Christopher's lesser known brother, Cranberry.
Back in Genoa, before stowing away on the Pinta, Cranberry was a bread maker. He was famous in Italy for always concoting new breads. Although it is not widely known and the Sicilians of Italy get credit, it is widely believed that Cranberry was the inventor of the canoli.
In 1491, Christopher approached Cranberry in his shop, looking for a plehtora of bread for the voyage.
"So um, I'm leaving on a trip and I might not come back. I need some bread. Lots of bread. I have three ships I'm in charge of. Can you beleive that. I can barely pilot a rowboat, but they gave me three ships." Christopher relayed.
"I want to go. I want to be important," Cranberry pleaded.
"You are important. Bread is the staple of Italy. Know your place brother. And maketh me some damn bread." Christopher informed him.
Cranberry did as instructed, but he was determined to board the Nina, the Pinta or The Santa Maria. He sold his business to his younger brother Pillsbury and secretly boarded the Pinta.
In 1492, when Christopher discovered America, he found that Cranberry had indeed stowed away.
Christopher was not happy about this and demanded that he return to Italy at once. Cranberry refused.
"I want to be my own man. You discovered America, granted you took it from people that already had it, but go you," Cranberry is reported to have said at the time.
"This is America, I do what I want," Christopher retorted. "I am Christopher (Bleeping) Columbus."
"I am going to go and find my own way." Cranberry sobbed as he walked away.
Just like that, Cranberry took off. Never to see or hear from Christopher again. Cranberry settled in Plymouth Rock. He loved food. Became a well known baker. Married a woman named Jemima and eventually had a few children.
One year, he decided that in November he wanted to celebrate food, but not just one ordinary day. Something extravagant. He declared it, Fatsgiving. Cranberry had very strict rules:
1. Eat until you are full, and then do it again. Because this is America.
2. Do or do not wear pants. Either way, it works. Be classy. Dress up with a button up shirt and tie and even a suit jacket, no pants on the bottom. If you are to weareth pants, wear pants that are comfortable. Like superhero sweat pants, or nicely screenprinted funny pants.
3. Watch Football and be with family, even if your family is as pompous as Christopher.
4. Take. Naps.
5. Hilarious headwear is encouraged.
He wrote these five commandments on stone tablets with the words "FATSGIVING" on the top, and buried them in Plymouth Rock. It wasn't until 1621 that the tablets were unearthed in an effort to build the first U.S. based Ikea by the Pilgrims and the tradition became more common. Apparently Fatsgiving loosely translated into Pilgrim as "You will eat so much today that you will die forty three minutes afterwards. Or from Diptheria. Whichever comes first." So they changed the name to Thanksgiving.
Few historians still call it Fatsgiving, but it is making a comeback.
According to lore, Cranberry's last words were "Fat kids gotta eat, yo." He was subsquently buried holding a fork, two plates, and half a turkey wrapped in a deep fryer.
You secretly honor the memory of Cranberry Columbus every year by eating Cranberry Sauce during your traditional Thanksgiving meal. This year, in honor of Cranberry Columbus, just before you eat, tap your spoon across your heart, peer up at the sky and whisper "Fat Kids gotta eat, yo."
He would have loved that.