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January 07, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

"Texas Chainsaw 3D" was No. 1 at the box office this past weekend. Because when Americans want to forget about a maniac killing innocent people, they watch a maniac killing innocent people.

The civil rights lawsuit involving a man getting arrested for flipping off a police officer has been reinstated. The man thanked the judge by telling him to suck it.

In a televised address, President Bashar al-Assad asks Syrians to defend their country. Said Syrians, "Yes, that's what we're doing."

Republican and former Sen. Chuck Hagel is reportedly Obama's choice for secretary of defense. Fellow Republicans say Hagel isn't pro-Israel enough, while others say he isn't anti-Palestine enough.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Republicans will not support tax increases in the future. "That might not be a problem, Marty," said Sen. Doc Brown.

French actor Gerard Depardieu was given his new Russian passport on Saturday by Vladimir Putin. All because Gerard Depardieu was worried an American family would adopt him one day.

Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old shot by the Taliban for advocating girls' education, has been discharged from her hospital. Meanwhile, her American counterpart just told everyone on Facebook to go see "The Hobbit" in 3D.

A new petition is calling on the Obama administration to create a show on C-SPAN featuring Joe Biden. If successful, it would mark C-SPAN's first attempt at children's programming.

Aurora, Colorado, was the site of another shooting in which four people were killed in a townhouse. Lawmakers are stunned since they thought people had stopped talking about gun control already.

Jay-Z and Beyonce's daughter, Blue Ivy, has a $1 million nursery suite at Brooklyn Nets home games. It's located right to Deron Williams's. However, the move has been criticized by some who ask, "Don't you know how many people could be fed by one Blue Ivy?"

The writer behind the recent Batman trilogy is working on a TV series about Leonardo da Vinci. Said test audiences, "Why is Leonardo da Vinci talking like that?"

It's been announced that the NHL will be returning this season following a 16-hour negotiation. It took that long because for the first 15, everyone thought they were arguing about football.

Lance Armstrong may publicly admit to doping. But everyone says he doesn't have the balls.