This small world ain’t big enough
to fit my jacked fuckin’ lats. Waaaaazzzzzuppppppp everyone. It’s ya boy, Carter Von Jägerbomb here. Spring break is quickly approaching, and I’m here to be your (not) Fairy Godfather to guide you through the hottest place to spend spring break this year. It ain’t Cancun or the Bahamas, not even close. The hottest place to be this spring break is the happiest place on earth: DISNEY WORLD! Let’s check-ch-check-check-check-ch-check it out!
Let’s start by Mary Poppin'it off at the Magic Kingdom. This place is fuckin’ DOPE! If you can get up early enough you will be lucky to catch the opening of the park. This is a pre-show that features the characters you love and talented as hell singers and dancers. Mickey and his friends show up on a train (sick!) and welcome you. Once the fireworks go off, you gotta hit the ground runnin’. The first thing you want to do is head down Main Street USA, The smell from the bakeshops will cover the smell of the vodka coming out of your pores, which is exactly what you’ll need after a night of just straight CRUSHING it in Downtown Disney. The sun will be perfect to get those pictures in front of Cinderella’s castle and it’ll be totally empty.
NOOB ALERT. Don’t let anyone tell you not to hit up Splash Mountain first. The ride is my fuggin’ favorite. The line will be really small early in the day. That gives you so much more time to hit up Space Mountain, It’s a small world and the Mother Fuckin’ Country Bears Jamboree.
Be prepared for a day of a lot of walking, so sadly gotta leave the boat shoes at home, but that gives you an excuse to break out those sick new Nikes. After you hit up some rides you gotta go wet your whistle (I’m not talkin’ about that whistle ;P). The Magic Kingdom now sells alcohol! Head over to Tony’s Town Square Resturant to grab yourself a Heiny (that’s Heineken for you nerds) to bring your Disney experience to the next level.
While it’s still early you GOTTA hit up The Haunted Mansion. A major key is to go during the day because that shit gets scary at night…..LOL NAH, only if you’re a total puss. I heard a rumor that people actually scatter real ashes on the ride. People are fugged up bro.
What if I told you that you can bring your girl around the world in 15 minutes. Nah, I’m not crazy! Hear me out! Walk over to It’s A Small World, sit in a boat and then tell me I’m crazy to my mother fuggin’ face! Try me, I swear, Try. Me. The world is little as hell and you will see everywhere from China to like Italy and so many more other places. Go there and then come find me. If I’m wrong I’ll let you punch me in the dick. Soft.
Pro tip. You’re probably getting hungry at this point because all you ate were those Lava Nachos from The Rain Forest Cafe in Downtown Disney. There is food literally everywhere! Grab yourself a turkey leg from any of the cart vendors. They’re a great excuse to flex while you’re walking around the park. It’s also always a good idea to pack your fanny pack full of almonds.
Normally around this time I would say go take a rest and hit up the Hall of Presidents, but as of right now its closed because they are makin’ America Great Again and puttin my boy DONNY T in there #MAGA. No worries, head over to the Disney Jungle Cruise. It takes on a fuckin sick adventure through the Amazon river and literally it’s funny as hell. This college kid (Just like you and me) is like leading you with these cheezy jokes. Bazinga! (Big Bang Theory is fuckin’ dope. I wish Sheldon had a ride in Epcot.) If timed out right that edible you took while watching Mickey’s Philharmagic starts kicking in right about now.
Take a break from the rides and go mack on some princesses. They LOVE it. They always want to take a picture with me afterward and I make sure to flex so they remember me if they ever see me out in Downtown Disney. I’m always hoping to run into Mulan because I’ve never been with an Asian chick. I’ve been with a mermaid, though, Kappa Sigma always throws a Gin and Fins party and I hooked one then.
You gotta close out your day checkin out the sickest fuggin’ fireworks ever. I’m serious. The way they use music and fireworks to tell a story is unbelievable. Parents always put their kids on their shoulders. If they do right in front of you, you can totally give them a kidney shot. You can always duck out a bit early because the monorail will be jammed, but I always stay. You never know when you’ll be back.
Hit me up on my cell if you have my # or slide into the DM’s if you are gonna be at Disney this spring break. We can fuckin rage.