Welcome to your mandatory, ninth grade health and wellness class! As a freshman in high school, you are required to take one semester of health and wellness and one semester of physical education. Below is the syllabus that details what we will be touching upon during this exciting and informative semester together. Let’s get to know ourselves, shall we?
Unit #1: Know Ya’self––What’s That Hair Sprouting Down There?
We’re going to get to know our bodies a bit before we choose to consensually explore someone else’s. For instance: what’s that hair sprouting down there? Is it one of Cher’s many wigs? Is it the pelt of a Lenape man? No, silly! It’s your pubic hair and you best get used to dealing with it because there are a lot of expectations these days. Everyone’s aesthetic is baby smooth.
Unit #2: Why Am I Feeling These “Bum-Ass” Feelings?
Why are you feeling these “bum-ass” feelings? What are they and where the heck did they come from? The answer is simple; it’s science. The neurons and protons did the thing and now you cry when you listen to a Mumford & Sons song and feel tingly in your hoo-ha when you watch a show on The CW.
Unit #3: Why Is Everyone Doing Pot and Why Should I Do It Too?
This title is a trick question. You should not be doing pot. Ever. Don’t do it. However, if you feel you must, do it in a safe environment. Perhaps you should try it at a friend’s lake house at the end of senior year when everything in your life is changing?
Unit #4: Should I Drink This?
The answer most of the time is no––no, you should not drink this. Partly because it isn’t good for you both physically and mentally, but also because what you’re drinking is embarrassing. I’m sorry, but Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Whipped Cream Vodka? Is this a party for fourth graders? Instead, grab a grape soda from the cooler, pour it into a wine glass, and pretend you’re at a fancy party where you’ll meet your match in a quick-witted city slicker.
Unit #5: Should I Put This in My Body?
Only put that in your body if you and your partner are both willing participants. Sex can be a wonderful and emotionally fulfilling experience, especially when you and your partner both feel ready and confident in your love for one another. However, don’t ask about gay sex. That’s too exhausting for me to explain. Just…find a tutorial on Youtube and wing it.