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July 28, 2015
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In a speech in Ethiopia, President Obama boasted that he could win a third term if he ran again. He then went on to boast about a few other things, including that he could have sex with your mom if he so chose.

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President Obama, telling it like it is.

During a speech he delivered in Ethiopia, President Obama ad libbed that he thinks that he is a “pretty good president” and that if he ran for a third term, he would win. Obama then went on to elaborate on something else that he could do if he wanted.


I actually think I’m a pretty good President. I think if I ran, I could win. But I can’t. There’s a lot that I’d like to do to keep America moving. But the law is the law, and no person is above the law, not even the president.

While I’m here on this little ad-libbed tangent, though, I’d just like to go ahead and say that there is something else that I could totally do if I wanted to: your mom.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying that I will run for a third term as president. The 22nd amendment of the Constitution sets a clear two-term limit on the presidency. Congress passed the amendment in 1947 and I will respect it. But let’s just say, hypothetically, I somehow pulled some executive-order ninja work and found a way to run again? I would totally win.

Likewise, I’m not saying that I will have sex with your mom. I’m a married man. I love Michelle very much and would never stray outside the bounds of our marriage. But let’s just say Michelle left me and one night I find myself at a hotel bar where your mom also happens to be after a visit to your aunt Brenda in Minneapolis? I would totally have sex with your mom. And it would be the greatest night of her life.

Sure, a few months ago the prospect of me saying that I could win a third term might have seemed ludicrous. But then SCOTUS said “hell yeah” to the Affordable Care Act, and I will forever be the president who oversaw the legalization of marriage equality. And even if that stuff hadn’t happened, compared to Mike “The Iran Deal Is The Holocaust” Huckabee or Donald “Spousal Rape Isn’t Rape” Trump or Bobby “I Do A Bad Job At Everything” Jindal, well, quite frankly Barry O’ is looking better than ever.

And sure, I’ve gained a gray hair or two and the futile quagmire of the U.S. political system has dampened that sparkle in my eye, but make no mistake: Your mom still totally wants to have sex with me. Even if your mom voted against me in the last election, she still wants to have sex with me. Why? Well, I know that this is just a riff in a speech right now, but if we could just go ahead and put up on the monitor that video of me dancing in Kenya during this trip?

Yep. That’s right. I’m Barack Obama. I could win a third term. And I could have sex with your mom. Like that. Let the record show that I just snapped my fingers to indicate both the immediacy and ease of which I could accomplish each of those feats.

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