HOLLYWOOD, CA (USA)
In a statement released earlier this morning from the third chair at Fransisco’s Day Spa, famed Hollywood celeberty Jake Gyllenhaal claimed that his mission was set forward to dispel any rumors of a possible homosexual lifestyle. “Have you seen the men I’ve fucked? Darling please,” after several rolls of his eyes he continued, “if im gay I obviously have no clue what I’m doing.”
Allegations as to Mr. Gyllenhaal’s lifestyle began several months ago during his preparations for a yet to be conceived Brokeback Mountain sequel. “Of course they’ll do another one, and I want to be ready when they do,” was the Donnie Darko star’s reasoning. The public is in full support of the talent and believes he will succeed this difficult period. “It’s a crazy idea but it might just work,” stated one man who claims to possibly have seen or at least played Prince of Persia, “I mean it’s no Tom Cruise method.” Referring of course to sleeping with good looking men in private.
The gay community, disappointed to find out Mr. Gyllenhaal would be their latest addition, released this statement, “we take no responsibility for the actor’s actions. Citing the famous case of Bowie v. Sleeping with Men there is still a possibility for a hopeful outcome,” later adding, “although David Bowie is pretty cool so we wouldn’t mind taking him back.”
Locked into previous engagements including three DVR’ed episodes of Dancing with the Stars and a Grey’s Anatomy marathon, Mr. Gyllenhaal could not be reached for comment.