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Published August 02, 2011
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As the title indicates, the following are quotes from novels and stories that have never been written and, if there is even a speck of justice in the world, never will be. Enjoy.

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“The ease with which we entered the Emperor’s courtyard was largely due to Gerald’s remarkable skill at painting frescos.”


“’Teach not, my elephant, until the final twist of your tail has come unwound,’ said the mouse as he urinated on a cracker.”


“’1. Get a horse. 2. Sell all of your belongings. 3. Ride to Kismet. 4. Find a church. 5. Marry your horse. 6. Christ, will you just get out of here?’”


“’If only I knew how this worked,’ Said Dapple Dog of the difference machine with a flick of his tail. Maupassant adjusted his leather underwear and grunted in agreement.”

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“It isn’t the lies, Caitlin. And it isn’t the money, either. What bothers me is the retrograde architecture and that song by Duran Duran that sounds like a chainsaw.”

“’No persimmons, no war. Bring the persimmons.’ Little did Count Vargozi know how hungry I, Vladimir and his numerous ocelots had been over the summer.”

“Pompey was always late getting ready for the monthly society luncheon, but he managed to find the shallow graves before anyone else and spoke perfect Urdu.”


“’I found them to be generous, wise, tall, quick-witted and deceptively tanned, but precisely why the quiet one dressed as a 19th–century Austrian cavalry officer would only answer to the name ‘Cheetah’ remained a mystery.”

“’Why so cat?’” inquired the lunchbox-shaped customs official.”

“I jumped up and down repeatedly, shouting until my voice disappeared and beat upon the door with my fists, but the judges of the world court sat, bemused, still waiting for the ice-cream truck to arrive back safely.”

“’Normally yes, but then again, normally I’m French and not a rainbow-colored thumb drive.’”

“Time was, you could ride a scooter through town from one end to another naked as a jaybird and not get so much as a glance from Bob’s numerous illegitimate offspring.”

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 “The giant tortoises of the Galapagos Islands were considered for a time, but Cedric decided instead to use standard chess pieces.”


“Tim started at the sound and quickly ran to the window. ‘No need to panic,’ he said after a sigh, ‘it’s just old man Jeeter and the fourth mountain battalion getting into it again.’”


“Winnie was always a superior saxophone player, just as I was best at the cello and Robby at stealing cattle and blaming it on his sister.”

“In my youth, I was a profound believer in the Empire, as was my father, his father before him and some smelly old woman who kept trying to kiss my hat at the train station.”

“’No, dear, I said that I thought you should consider updating our fire insurance, not that you should ride through town on a scooter naked as a Jaybird. And please put down that badger.’”

“’What was it about Carlos?’ I asked, lighting my pipe. ‘He was handsome,’ said Merrill quietly, ‘and it didn’t hurt that his lip-synch performance of ‘Da Butt’ was unsurpassed in all of Christendom.’”


“And since ‘floral arrangement’ is quite different from ‘oral arrangement,’ you can imagine the confusion it caused after the library opened.”


Scarlet turned, looked at me as if the capital of France were Pittsburgh and handed me the party favor.”

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“Paolo was invaluable to the mission because he spoke the obscure language of the Georgian shepherds and that of the sheep as well.”

“Of all the things I imagined Trina would say when I asked her where she had left the car, ‘between Sybil Pryzbylski’s voluminous breasts’ was nowhere near the top of the list.”

“Her voice was as a flock of seagulls taking off and gliding across the surface of the sea towards the rising sun beyond the horizon. The band, not the bird.”
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