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March 26, 2013

From the Archives of BMZnow.com we present to you...



What's up yous guys, Frank Lee Bananez here an' I am ready to service you! To tell ya a little bit about myself, I was born an' raised in Brooklyn, New York, home a the "We ain't no fuckin' pussies" type a mentality. An' let me tell ya somethin' WE AIN'T NO FUCKIN' PUSSIES. So let''s just put that on the table off the bat.

A few months ago, I got me a job here at BMZ doing some roving reporter type shit thanks to a little nepotism from my cousin Phil. I was so fuckin' good at that shit, these fuckin' dick lickers offered me my own regular Advice Column. Well, there was also that one incident on the street wit that nun... I don't want to talk about it. Either way, here I am fuck-shits, deal with it! I gotta deal with you an' your fuckin' letters all day, I don't like it any more than you do. So, yeah, that's about it, let's get this bullshit over with.

Dear Frank,

Why does Mary-Louise Parker think she is actually Nancy Botwin? 

-Confused in Humboldt
Dear Confused,
Shut your goddamned filthy whore mouth!! I don't want to think about that plastic-faced stinky clam. What the hell is wrong with you?
Dear Frank,
Eff, Marry, Kill,  Mr. BeanCorky from LIfe Goes On, or Howard Stern's penis?
-Strange in San Fransico
Dear Strange,
Where do you get your drugs? I'm serious! You must be on some fucked up shit. Message me on the downlow, I know some italian guys who can move truckloads of it. But to answer your absurdly valid question, Kill Corky. No question there. Retards have super telepathic powers. Sometimes they can set fucking fires with their brains. The retards must die. Fuck an' Marry? Hmmm, that's a tough one. Howard Stern's Penis is rich so it might make sense to Marry but then I'd be stuck with a dick. Mr. Bean is a fun guy, I've done mushrooms with him, I could live with a sexless marriage with Bean an' I could also blackmail Stern for some of his money after one well filmed sexual encounter. I could see the headlines now, "Radio DJ fucks a Banana." There's definitely hush money in that shit. So that sttles it, I'm gonna Marry Mr. Bean an' Fuck Howard Stern's Penis. Now go masturbate for twenty minutes an' send me pictures in the morning.
Dear Frank,
Why is Ricky Schroder so small?
-@ChickKiller69 (This one comes from Twitta)

Dear @ChickKiller69,What are you some kind a douchebag? ChickKiller? What kinda dumbass name is that? I bet the last chick you laid was the egg you cracked in a pan for breakfast. Ricky Schroder! Jesus Christ, fine. Are we talking about his dick or overall? I'm not willing to comment on his dick. Some things are just private. As for the rest of him? Simple, he's a fuckin' goblin. Straight outta the fairy-tales. He came to our world many years ago to bring Aryian Darkness upon us an' help usher in the second coming of his Dark Lord Hitler Klaus. It's some fucked up shit, I know.

And that's it dick-lickers. I can't wait to read more of your bullshit questions in the future. Until next time, Don't forget to licka banana everyday... or some shit like that.


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