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Published August 05, 2012

 

After tireless research, hundreds of man-hours, and Holmesian tactics. I’ve done it. 
 
I have discovered the answer to the question that keeps you awake at night. The question that you will be asked to answer, in order to peer inside the pearly gates of heaven. 
 
I, The Hollywood Defender, hold the correct response to: Why does The General from General Car Insurance roll with a Penguin?
 
Many have speculated that because the General does not offer plane insurance that the flightless bird makes the proper companion. But then why not get an ostrich? He often drives a jeep, which accommodates the need for extra headroom for the long neck bird. Plus Ostriches are fighters and try to kill people. Penguins only March, Dance, and try to find Pebbles. So clearly the Ostrich is the more in line with military strategy.
 
Others are willing to stake their life that the Penguin’s real name is Nicolai Icicoff, a former Russian KGB agent tragically mutated in a covert military program during the Cold War designed to infiltrate American zoos and control the Sea World. 
 
However, Icicoff was reportedly seen in East Berlin as early as last week. And to complicate the theory, why would Icicoff wait so long to make the hit on an American General who changed the tide of the Cold War by winning Russian hearts with such low rates?
 
And so in order to put all these questions to rest, I hunted down a representative from General Car Insurance with a vicious emailed that forced a confession:
 
"I love the new penguin in the commercials. When did he originate and what are the details about placing him in the campaign? I've already sent 2 emails about this. I am hoping this time is the charm."
 
They folded (official, real, response):
 
"The penguin and the General met in his "Arctic Explorer" commercial and have been together ever since.
You can view that ad on our website or on our Facebook page.
Thank you!
 
So there you have it. It has been revealed, nothing more to see. But wait... “Have been together ever since” met in the “Arctic?” 
 
According to the video evidence, they met snowboarding at a ski resort and then the General just took him home. 
 
A tryst? 
 
Could it be? 
 
Were there signs?
 
 Besides the gigantic handle bar mustache, the retro military uniform, and the darting “hungry eyes” that are conveniently hidden under a helmet, there's nothing. 
 
Or could I have I missed something in the previous ads that would have suggested that our fearless General may have been interested in an alternative lifestyle choice…
 
General experienced a midlife crisis of mammoth proportions, trying any and all experiences from skydiving link to jetpacks and finally trading in his Hummer for brand new corvette. 
 
But the car would prove not to be enough, something else was missing, a passenger in the shotgun seat of life.Link
 
Come to think of it, The General not always smooth with the ladies, he would always talk about insurance ad and the women only pretend to understand him out of pleasantry: Link. But the General was always more interested in working out with his buddy.
 
And after the gym, it’s time for the clubs, a specific type of club/bar link
 
Not to mention, their sexual banter is always evident, when The General was focused on another man the Penguin would desperately try to regain his attention.
 
And what do you do after clubs and playing basketball, hot sweaty basketball? You know, but you can’t show it on TV, so why not disguise it in a thinly failed, but detailed portrait of dominance in the bedroom: A Game of Catch link
 
 With the overwhelming evidence mounting, what other conclusions can be drawn about a former army General who spends more time cruising the streets with his no name Penguin buddy offering unbelievable rates for services?
 
 It’s another case of SpongeBob and Patrick, Bert and Ernie, and Steve and Blue. This has more blue paw prints than Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper.
 
And yet, we can see the love these two hold for each other. Whether gay or simply fond of feather friends, the relationship is true. 
 
We all remember fondly the Penguin staying positive during The General’s ill-advised and dangerous return to football link And why did the General eventually succeed? 
 
We only need look at the bird in his corner.
 
So as they snowboard down the most gorgeously rendered snow terrain in synchronization, we can only pray that one day we find our own “Artic Explorer” Penguin out there. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death in a horrific car accident do us part. 
 
Because even then, we’ll always be covered.
 
 
 
The Hollywood Defender
 
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