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August 20, 2014
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Rihanna could easily woo back Chris Brown if she used board games in her Instagram snaps. See why, from board game designer Hamish Sterling.

Rihanna could easily woo back Chris Brown if she used board games in her Instagram snaps. See why, from board game designer Hamish Sterling. BY NICOLE RUSSIN

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Hamish Sterling, playing one of his bored games

Did you start making bored games because you’re boring?

Oh…that’s a good one.

A lot of people don’t know that board games and being accomplished at them, is a pre- requisite to join Mensa. A true test of one’s intelligence is pitting wits and strategic vice against an opponent, across a flat surface, which in most cases is a table…or a board….or even in Japan, a naked girl with sushi snacks positioned at key strategic locations.

We’ve decided to do away with all of that and create “board” less games. If simplicity is art, we may have re-painted the Mona Lisa. You just need to roll dice.

Why play board games when you can post sexy photos on Instagram?

Indeed, why? Instead, why not be the first person ever on the internet to post a sexy nude photo of yourself playing Pocket Sports on Instagram? I’d like to see that, but please, in the sake of good “branding,” you need to be a good sort.

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So that’s how Rihanna will get Chris Brown back! PS: The Monopoly Man is a PERV.

Why aren’t there actual snake eyes on your dice? I want a refund!

Ah yes….snakes. I once visited Columbia and played an underground death match with dice, shots of flaming ethanol and a live Colombian Toad-headed Pit Viper. Unfortunately for my opponent, he too wanted a refund. To say he inspired me on my journey of game design would be a lie.

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Likewise on your Pocket Cricket game. There’s no pocket, and certainly no insects. Did you eat the cricket?

Truly one of life’s greatest inventions: the pocket. Holder of cargo, carrier of items…such mystery when one’s hand enters to find something he has not placed there himself. ‘Twas a moment of brilliance not only to discard the board from the board game but to also discard the vessel to carry it in and place it in your pocket…was like being beaten with a genius stick into an inch of one’s life.

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Don’t even get me started about Pocket Footy without the attached human foot. At least McDonald’s gives us actual human toes in our hamburgers!

Now a burger in your pocket; that would be something! The beauty of an Australian Rules dice game is that there are some many pockets, forward and back pocket…

Some said it would be too hard, that it couldn’t be done. Australia’s game in your pockets, but I dared dream the dream. We’ve distilled 22 men, the MCG and eight white posts into 8 small dice for those who dare to play as their favourite footy star and take a “Screamer” on an opponent’s shoulders. It is truly magnificent. As exhilarating as an accidental smear of deep heat on your scrotum…just brilliant.

Do you honestly think kids want to play mind games anymore?

Let me ask you this. If tomorrow there was no power, no electricity to charge smart phones or computers, no TV or Facebook, then we, my humble, possibly mentally challenged reporter, would be King.

Imagination relies on prompts, the thrill of pocket sports and a dice roll is akin to wrestling a peacock: so many possibilities but with only one result. Dazzling colours, screams of pain and joy, gasps of delight until there is only one victor…….YOU…….or maybe the peacock….we’ll probably never see such a match up.

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Let’s say I’ll give in. I will indeed play your games. What will happen?

You’ll be transformed. An enigma shift will occur, and you will be the player in the game. For 15 minutes of hardcore, face to face, mano a mano dice rolling sports action on a normally meaningless table top where meals are consumed, you will be the sporting king you watch and admire.

You will have the chance to beat your opponent and go down in the annals of pocket sports history as a champion. You’ll have the right to insult and demean your losing opponent with celebratory dances and taunts.

You, my friend, can be champion of the table top, and I’d say if we’ve made a product that can do that, for a reasonable price of around USD $15, available online at www.pocketsports.com.au ……..then we have tripped the light fantastic and kicked “fun” right in the dick.

ABOUT US:

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HAMISH STERLING is a board game designer and owner of the fabulously cool Aussie board game company, Pocket Sports. There is a strong chance his games aren’t all that boring and may be sheer fun. He ships worldwide; check his website for local retailers within Australia. You and your friends may be steered away from posting Instagram photos for five minutes! Because his name is Hamish, he sounds really important when making dinner reservations.

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NICOLE RUSSIN has real journalism training, but you wouldn’t know it from Funny Or Die. She is an amazing celebrity chef in training and has appeared in some modelling ads(!). Her website is the greatest website on Earth.

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