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December 19, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.


Scientists say they may be able to test to see if our universe is actually a computer-generated program. Which would at least explain why there's so many adorable cats.

On Tuesday, Queen Elizabeth sat in on a cabinet meeting for the first time during her reign. Said the Queen, "So what'd I miss?"

The White House says President Obama will “actively support” a federal ban on assault weapons. Thanks in large part to Obama actively remembering he can't be re-elected again. 

In its first statement since the shootings in Connecticut, the NRA said its "prepared to offer meaningful contributions to help make sure this never happens again." No word if these are the same types of contributions it made to politicians who helped make sure this always happens again.

Discovery has canceled the show "American Guns," a reality series about a Colorado gun store. Discovery finally admitting there might be a connection between violence and reality television. 

A New York man was charged with manslaughter for helping his wife commit suicide by leaving her alone with a shotgun. And a copy of Carrot Top's latest standup DVD.

Apparently the Death Star battle scene in "Return of the Jedi" once included three female Rebel pilots. They were left out however, as you couldn't really see their gold bikinis easily enough. 

A hacker was given 10 years in prison for leaking photos of Scarlett Johansson and other female celebrities. "Maybe that was the same guy who hacked into my Twitter...you know...oh nevermind," said Anthony Weiner.

Google Maps for the iPhone has been downloaded over 10 million times since being released just last week. When told about the number of downloads, Apple's Map app said, "Ohio?" 

China has arrested more than 500 members of a group that believes the world will end this Friday, Dec. 21. Said Chinese authorities, "No one is going to ruin the release of 'Jack Reacher' for us."

Israel and Google have teamed up to put 5,000 images of the Dead Sea Scrolls online. Not to be outdone, Palestinians bought a Dell laptop.