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April 23, 2011


Will the World be Ending in 2012, as Predicted by White People's Reading of Mayan Stuff?

"The Earth, a planet in our solar system, has been around for nearly a long time, and ever since it's been around there have been people on it for a while, and since people, people have been predicting the end of Earth and thus the end of people." -Probably a Mayan Text

Ever since Darwin founded science, we have been reading old texts that come out of the ground and using them to inform our outlook on life. I disagree with this. I think that certainly writings that come from the sky, wind, or electricity should be considered for end-of-world fear-thoughts, but never the ground. But people, who have existed since people, insist on taking these ground-texts seriously. It is to these ground text adherents (Terrabibliophiles? I'm grounded. Go to my room, Me), that I proffer a bit of context. Let's not forget about these mostly true predictions of apocalypse that turned out to be chumps:

1. Y2K

Here's the scenario: Computers, which we're invented in the 1900's and were presumably not expected to last into the new millennium, were programmed with year markings that, get this, only had the last two digits of a year. To a computer, 85 would equal 1985, and when 2000 rolled around, the computers would reset to the year 1900. I know! That doesn't make any sense to me either! But that's what the TV's said: all the computers would revert to 1900, and start talking in old-timey computer language like "0101110" (hear the difference?  My computer is cracking up right now!)  All the banks would revert to 1900 when we first opened our railroad bank accounts, and we'd only have $100 million in blood money instead of 900 million, and all our AOL email addresses would be erased and William McKinley would be president. And even though computers are programmable, this was probably a big deal and could be used to sell more advertising during the evening news. But it came and went, and now we don't have to worry about it again because computers probably won't be around in 3000 C.E because the world will have ended by then. Sidenote: Even though the world didn't end, all our AOL email addresses were erased... by us.

2: Me, right now:

I predict I'm going to fuck this article up somehow.

3: Nostradamus

Remember when Nostradamus predicted that "Arab men with angry grimace" would "fly on stone birds called 'airplanes'" and "topple the twin giants, by which I mean the World Trade Centers" and he got that right? Wait, this entry actually proves future-tellers correct. Don't tell the rest of this article.

4: Quinoa

A wholesome grain. Damnit!  I fucked this article up. Number 2 was correct (Computer [to me]: "You mean  number 1902 was correct?"    Me: "You smear!"    Me and the computer duke it out, but I win because I can hold hammers.)

5: Applewhite

Believing the end of the world was imminent, Marshall Applewhite got a bunch of people to kill themselves and wear the same clothes (not in that order) (I swear I am not making this up, but shortly after this event there was a TV commercial that showed all the dead folks wearing Nikes in their bunk beds-- shocking images-- and the end of the commercial said something like "Normal people buy Keds".  Nobody I know could confirm this commercial existed, and I never saw it again, so maybe I did make it up, but I didn't). It is probably not coincidence that Applewhite and his followers funded their death cult by being computer programmers. Well, the world didn't end and they're all dead, except Applewhite, who made it onto the comet by paying the comet cab driver with a lot of dumb-asshole-dumbass-souls.
In conclusion, my nearly comprehensive list of historical eschatology-turned-false should prove to you that this whole Mayan hullabaloo is poopy bunkum. The world is not going to end in 12. So I say: Mayan? more like Mayan't. The world will last and humanity will continue to exist. That is, until we grind it to a halt through our desperate will to self-elimination and environmental ravaging.

My world ends if you don't read:

Shitty Craig's List


My Mexican Wife?


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