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Published June 17, 2012

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UGGG, I really hate alarm clocks. Almost as much as I hate responsibility. The two are currently in a foot race and running about neck and neck. I woke up to a start that evening at exactly nine o clock at night as I had set my cell phone alarm clock earlier that afternoon when I had finally gone to sleep after a night of carousing. I did this because I knew I had to meet up with an old friend, my ex girlfriend, Lisa. When Lisa first met me she thought I was her knight in shining armor. But then she figured out that it was a disguise and in reality I was just an asshole in tin foil. Typically My ex's wind up hating me for one reason or another, and nine times out of ten its deserved, but thru some miracle Lisa never hated me even though I did really terrible fucked up shit to her. She always stood by me and had my back. I honestly think she was one of those people who loved the abuse and actually thrive on it. I would like to publically apologize to Lisa at this time for the things I did to her. I know there is always going to be a little animosity and bad blood between us. I'm sorry. But not as sorry as you’re going to be, or mad for that matter, for me writing this story.

 

After I rolled out of bed and took a hillbilly shower, which is to just spray on some more cologne, I got dressed and made myself a bloody mary. I had a hangover after all, and every true alcoholic knows this is a sure fire cure for the common hang on. But there is more to it besides just knowing they work. Here’s why. They contain vodka, for the hair of the dog part, salt and fructose to aid rehydration, and potassium and vitamin C to offset depletions. Plus the high density ballast of the juice itself helps settle the stomach. Couple that with the fact there fucking yummy and tada!!!. Perfect hangover cure. Its either that or I'm drinking enough coffee to fuel a revolution in a small Central American country. My roommate J.L was in the kitchen making some god awful concoction involving pickles, beer batter and bacon grease. My stomach turned in an instant. Deep fried pickles. Are you serious right now? And he wonders why he is fat. What the fuck? Then He inquired as to my evenings doings and I decided to not acknowledge him. "Fucking prick" he muttered and then went into a full out tirade about me not picking up my wet shower towels and something about mold. "Seriously J.L.?" "People wipe there feet when they LEAVE our house, and you’re mad about a fucking towel?" I was not nearly in the mood to be lambasted by this fat bastard today so I just do what I usually do when he is in a vile mood and slinked away. But not before I managed to fire something nasty off about his mother. The phone starts ringing about then, music for my headache, and its Lisa, wanting to know where the hell I am. Home sweet pea, home. "Yea well I’m coming over Dutch, you knew we had plans today". Fuck. All I really wanted to do was go back to bed and watch family guy but I knew Lisa was persistent and wouldn’t stop calling until I answered again. Besides now the fat man was mad at me and that meant he would welcome her in with open arms. Prolly escort her to my bedroom door and offer to blow her for that matter. So I guess its time to go out. But not before one more Bloody Mary, because, I'm going to need it.

 

Lisa arrives and looks absolutely stunning. She is a very pretty girl after all. I on the other hand look like monkey shit. Bloodshot eyes, fucked up hair, and smell like a combination of an open bar, open ass, and an ashtray. She kissed me anyway. "Hi Hun bun" she enthusiastically reverberates. "I’m not in the mood for your cheery shit Lisa" But then I noticed the unopened bottle of Grey goose vodka she was holding and my mood improved expenantionally. Fuck Weaties. Vodka cranberry is my breakfast of champions. "I brought you a present lover" she cooed as she held it out for me. Now grey goose isn’t the tippy top best vodka in the world, but its pretty damn good, and compared to the horse piss I was used to on a Unemployed mooches income, I, after all,  had been getting pre declined offers from visa at the time,  It was better than gold. "Lisa you shouldn’t have" I said as I reached for the liquid happiness. "Ah Ah Ah" Lisa said. Not till you take a shower and dress in something decent. You look like shit. At once I hate Lisa and wish she would die. But she is holding my beloved hostage so I do what I'm told. Twenty unhappy minutes later I emerge bathed and groomed accordingly and find Lisa is holding a bloody Mary for me. "Thank you darling" I say and take a sip. "I pissed in it" giggles J.L. Awww fuck. Now you prolly think that was just J.L. making a joke but at the time if you knew the people I was living with then you would understand this was an entirely real possibility. "Here’s a spoon so you can eat my ass J.L." I reply and then eye the cup with suspicion. But then again it is grey goose after all, so I take another sip. "You didn’t really pee in it did you J.L.?”Naw man just joshing, maybe a lil anal leakage, but no piss" Then I notice Lisa and the fat man grinning slyly at each other and now I'm nervous. "ok for real, seriously, what did you guys do to it?" nothing Man I pinky promise E". Pinky promise? What kind of man says this? And this is why I love the fat man.

 

I finish my drink and off we go, but not before noticing I am a little unstable with my steps. I need another drink. Lisa opens my door and upon getting in the car I'm told that I'm going to a football game. My happiness level shrinks like a stiffie in the snow. I hate sporting events in general even though I happen to like this particular college. I will not specify which school it is, however I will say that there primary colors are Blue and yellow and hopefully no further explanation is needed. . Now the reason I am not a huge fan of going to sporting events is typically they are loud and many many faced painted idiots are there chanting in gibberish, speaking in tongues, and bumping into me and sucking. But I can drink there and it is a good place to meet girls and you can always find out which frat or sorority is having a party there and where so I guess I can tolerate it for the time being. We make our way to the hot dog stand in front as Lisa tries to contact the friends she is supposed to be meeting up with. Oh joy I think as I already know most of Lisa's friends and they just think I'm hunky dory. I’m kidding. They think I'm an asshole. They are the type of girls who grew up with a silver spoon in there mouth until they met me and it was replaced with my penis. So ya, I'm less then thrilled. I turn to Lisa and before I can say a word we are besieged by rich preppy little idiots on all sides. I can stand this only because they are cute and have money so I hold my peace. I mean they get on my nerves but I would still sleep with them is all I'm saying.

 

"Lisa, darling you look fabulous". "Thanks" replies Lisa to the one doing the talking. "You look really good as well sweet pea" says Lisa. “yes I do, don’t I" smugly replies the girl Lisa had been talking to. I immediately wise crack "it’s the lies we tell ourselves that hurt the most", under my breath, but I guess in my drunken state, not quiet enough. "Oh" I see you brought him" it states disapprovingly as it stares at me down its long beak like nose. She looks like a catholic school teacher which strangely turned me on for a second. But then I realized who she was. Quit possibly the most vicious, evil, retched, wicked, demon slut my screw buddy Lisa knew. A true skanklet of the highest order.  And she hated me. This should be fun. "I'm super thanks for asking" I say in my best gay voice. "uggg Lisa did you really have to bring it?" Lisa loves my cock so she immediately jumps to my defense. “Well I didn’t want to ride all the way out here alone." replies Lisa. Thanks Hun. You’re great. Way to throw me to the wolves. "Nice to see you to" I reply to the stork and order some hotdogs. I do not ask Lisa if she wants one cause fuck her. My feelings were hurt. Plus I was pretty much broke and only had enough money for me so her friends the 90210 hoes can feed her punk ass. but on the bright side I have a pretty much full bottle of grey goose to myself and If I’m to drink all that alone I need a little something in my belly. Because true to form I plan on getting thoroughly inebriated.

 

And all really just because the stork is there. A little side note about the stork. Me and my friends call her this because when she first met me she loved me and my friends and all was well. That is until her and Lisa came over the house one night when there was a party going on and the stork took it upon herself to get completely shitfaced. A bad move for any rookie drinker in the midst of my jackals, and a terminal mistake for most in general. She took a fancy to my boy six foot. He isn’t really six foot tall. Rather this refers to the length of a certain appendage in his possession. He fawned over and catered to most of her needs for the bulk majority of the night and by evening’s end he had her semi clad in a corner. There were several of us laying around making out when out of the clear blue we all hear "oouuucccchhhh!!!""What the fuck do you think you're doing?" It seems six foot had decided to "check her oil”, that is to say he slipped a finger in her butt. This did not sit well with her. No pun intended.

 

She rushes over to me and Lisa and whispers something in limas ear and Lisa turns and glares at me and requests a word in private i.e. the bathroom. "Well if I get to fuck you in there then cool” I reply to the feeling of limas hand ripping me off the couch by my ear. It hurt. I better at least get a blowjob for that one. “She slams the door behind us and asks me if I know what my boy just tried to pull.” “I don’t know for sure I reply but knowing him he prolly tried to stick his finger up her butt" to which I start cracking up. Lisa doesn’t find humor in this and demands I make my friend apologize. I tell her Of course I can make this happen for her. For the small one time token fee of a blow job. Lisa is growing visibly angry with me so I decide I better do something about his and quick as my butt for the evening is plotting on leaving. So I march out into the living room and publicly announce in the loudest booming voice I can that six foot is a fiend and needs to apologize to the stork for putting his finger up her butt. Only he is no where to be found, so my words were wasted on the rest of us in the room, who find this terribly amusing and giggles were had all around. Fuck it I thought it wasn’t my finger up her butt so what’s the problem?

 

Where did he go I ask Danny boy and he tells me that six foot and the stork went into one of the back rooms. My boy has got skills yo. Lisa looks confused by what she has just heard so I pull her back on the couch and kiss her hard on the mouth. The desired effect is had and off we go again. But I get only ten or so minutes of kissy face before the stork comes running back out from the back rooms, grabs Lisa by the hand and quickly steals her away out the front door before I can say a thing. The hell is going on around here tonight? I ask to no one in particular and then six foot comes out into the room, a mischievous grin on his face. "What did you do?" I ask him as if I’m talking to a puppy that just pissed on the carpet. "She blew me and I put my children in her mouth" “just like the stork delivering babies" and I’m at once on the floor pissing myself. Fuck Lisa for the night. That comment was worth it all.  And that is why we call her the stork. Besides the fact that she looks like one. Sorry. You get no sympathy from me. As far as I'm concerned sympathy is in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. So don't appeal to my "sympathies". I have none.

 

But this story is also why she hates me. Fuck I didn’t do it, so why she has a problem with me I have no idea. My hypocrisy knows no bounds lol. I guess the cliché guilty by association is all so true. Lisa grabs me by the hand and tells me they have seats waiting for us up front so I follow her down the stairs taking every opportunity I can to play with her ass while she is walking. This is met with playful hand slaps and not so heart felt stop its. I am going to fuck Lisa tonight I chuckle to myself but not until after I drink this bottle of vodka. We find our seats and I am unpleasantly surprised that I have Lisa on one side, which is cool, and the stork on the other, which is not cool. I sit and pull out the vodka. The stork sees this and bestows on me an evil stork like stare. I uncap and tilt. "You’re not supposed to be drinking that here" says the stork. "I heard your vagina smells like expired spam and corn chips". I reply. “What did you just say?" she says but it is loud as hell in there so instead I say "Oh right, sorry bout that" "I forgot” and with that cap the bottle back up for time being. For me once I have started drinking though the time for another drink is about immediately after the last, So I tell Lisa the hotdogs I just ate are fighting for kennel space in my stomach, and excuse myself to find the little boys room. I at once head for the concession stand and order a pop with the biggest cup they have. I quickly pour half out and replace it with the current apple of my eye. I then make my way back to my seat and proceed to drink, with no one the wiser.

 

Of course the stork and Lisa knew what I had just done but what the fuck are they going to say? Pour it out. Yea fat chance chick. Isn’t happening. Gotta keep my pimp hand strong. Our team scores a goal or some shit like that and Lisa kisses me hard with tongue on the mouth. "Yea I thought so" "give me a drink" " but hunny what about the children?" I state and the stork is hard staring at me again. "don’t get grim stork or I'll fly your grill lose" I say but of course I'm looking the other way When I say it so the stork cant hear me and Lisa starts cracking up. "What did he just say" the stork inquires, but Lisa is mute. Thank god. I heard the stork bites when she scraps. Fuck that. Plus I’m drunk and a sissy so I try to avoid confrontation. "Next time leave your toy at home Lisa" says the stork. To that Lisa grabs the cup and downs half the damn thing in one gulp. Your going to regret that Lisa dear. I have had enough of the storks shit by this time and apparently so had Lisa because about this time she declares that she has always had a fantasy of fucking at one of these silly games. I could care less. I'm down to fuck whenever and wherever. So whatever.

 

She grabs me hard and leans in close and tells me she wants to go behind the stadiums scoreboard and fuck.

 

You can already imagine the implications. Fine by me I think as I'm already chubbin up. We stand up to the sneer of the stork and Lisa escorts me to the stairs. But not before I take it upon myself to grab my balls in front of the stork and smile a little jeering smile at her and flip her the bird. We make our way to the top of the stadium and after a quick look out for people, or worse cops, watching what we were up to we make our way up the ladder to behind the scoreboard. All the while she is in front of me giving me a close up view of her perfect little heart shaped ass. God she had a great ass. Very appealing. It reminded me of two little piglets fighting for position in her jeans. I think her ass was voted most likely to get spanked in high school when we were kids if I'm not mistaken. God bless her mother. . We arrive at the top and walk behind the scoreboard to find the floor is the mish mesh metal grate variety with holes in it about a quarter or half inch in diameter. Meaning we can see the people beneath us and had they chosen to simply look up for a second and take stock of what they were seeing, they could see us as well. But honestly neither I nor Lisa could have given a fuck less.  At once she has her pants down with light speed as do I and I quickly mount her from behind. Now I have to admit that even though I am incredibly and completely drunk at this time getting hard was no task at all, which is rare when I am that drunk. However, I attribute this to There being two things going for me in my favor.  First there were small holes in the scoreboard so we could see the huge crowd, but they probably couldn’t see us, that alone was pretty fucking cool. But second you have to couple that with the sound of a hundred thousand people cheering for you as you slam a gorgeous little hottie from behind. In the words of a certain rich blonde famous little fuck toy it was very very hot. They were cheering for me I thought as my already huge ego inflated itself to almost mythical proportions.  I start pumping like hell for home base, with Lisa cheering me on, when I remember that Lisa is the type of female we refer to in our circle as a "squirter". For those of you readers who are not aware of this phenomenon, it is a female who can actually gush a stream of girl juice when she ejaculates. It’s pretty fucking cool, unless you value your pricey premium silk bed sheets, as Lisa was the cause for ruin of many many sets of my prize linens. But standing behind Lisa’s behind that scoreboard that evening plowing away Lisa’s pretty little tail all her fore mentioned sins were at once forgiven.

 

Beyond the fact that Lisa was a squirter, she was also blessed with being the brand of female who can cum very very easy, and given the current circumstances her sexual awareness was heightened ten fold and she was Cumming in minutes. A steady flow of slick girl fluid was starting to pool on the grate I noticed but it didn’t register at that particular moment where those fluids were going to end up. Water always finds the lowest point and apparently so does girl juice. My head was spinning with pleasure when I was abruptly, and in all fairness in my opinion anyway, rudely, disrupted by the sound of a very unhappy man pointing up at us and yelling profanities. Apparently some of the girl juice had landed on his forehead and he was not pleased. I took a second between thrusts to gauge him. He is old, bald, and fat. I am much bigger and younger than him so if he has a problem with my doings he can get beat up. I keep going. I’m heading for the finish line and prepare for the dismount to pull and shoot. The build up is killing me and when it arrives it’s a perfect ten. I pull and shoot and at that very moment two things happened. First I see a very shocked and very angry stadium / mall cop standing there in disbelief as to what he is witnessing. Second I cum and the viscous splodge goes straight thru the grate and hits the guy from earliers wife in her eye. Well they shouldn’t have been looking up and staring. Fucking perverts. Whatever happened to decency and a person’s right to privacy? The fat man is now beyond livid and damn it all to hell he is coming up those stairs to kill yours truly. I start laughing at what has just happened, but the cop isn’t. Then I notice he has back up with him and they are grouped together at the bottom of the stairs trying to stop the old, fat bald guy whose wife I just jizzed on from getting up the stairs to kill me. The second cop arrives and they firmly grab a hold of me while a terrified and visibly upset Lisa is pulling her now soaked panties up. And there is it is. Now she’s crying. Fucking pussy.

 

"Please shut up Lisa" I tell her. "That isn’t going to help" I say. "This is all your fault Dutch, you fucking asshole"......"yea, it’s my fault for fulfilling one of your dirty perverted fantasies" I reply. If this ship is sinking I'm not going down alone Lisa. Bull fucking shit. Fuck Lisa I decide right then and there then proceed to tell the cop through slurred words it’s all her fault. An incredulous look befalls Lisa teary eyed face and so the hitting begins. I duck and dodge like Mouhameed Ali in the fourth. Finally the cops get her off me though to there amusement I think they let it go on a little longer than they should of on purpose. I think maybe they used to be old Wayne county jails deps at one point in there life’s lol. They grab me firmly on both sides and lead me towards the stairs and my imminent demise. Lisa on the other hand they didn’t touch and allowed her to walk alone to the stairs. What the fuck ever happened to equality between the sexes? I am forced to climb back down the stairs to the other cops and the fat man calling me a "mother fucker" and he is going to kill me. . He then acts like he is trying to climb over the cops back to "get me" to appease his old fat wife. "c’mon c’mon, bring it bring it tough guy" I say in my best nineteen twenties movie voice. His face is red and spittle is flying out of his mouth. He looks like Yosemite Sam when he can’t catch the rabbit. This thought makes me smile so I at once start to chant "kill tha rabbit, kill the rabbit, kill the rabbit!! And laugh in his face. I then start in on baldies wife. “Maybe if you weren’t such a pervert miss we wouldn’t have to call you old eagle eye" I smirk. "Do you want an official carbine action red rider bb gun for Christmas?" "You’ll shoot your eye out kid" Now even the cops are laughing. "I then begin a continuous chorus of "you’ll shoot your eye out. You’ll shoot your eye out" and am laughing so hard my face hurts. "Maybe you should have kept your peepers to your self sister" I taunt. It is right about then that baldie jumps over the cops back and launches the biggest, nastiest, greasiest luggie spitball I have ever seen. Right in my face. I was proud of him, the little fat bastard. He will not quit screaming about "fucking killing me " so I inform him as I wipe luggie out of my eye that profanity is the product of a lazy mind, and cant he find anything better to say then curse words, and is he as stupid as his fat wife? Then I inform him that me and his fat wife have something in common as neither one of us can see out of one eye. "Isn’t that fucking ironic baldie?" I ask and the cops decide they have had enough of my shit so they drag my drunken one eyed ass away from the crowd out the back way.

 

I thought at the time that maybe the cops had just taken me out the back way to avoid a bigger scene and crowd then the one that had already formed. But I was wrong. It was simply so they could take turns kicking my ass one by one in peace n quiet. Apparently they needed a measure of privacy to dog stomp me. Fuckin sucked. I think one of them commented on his wanton desire to piss on me. I felt like the gimp in that movie pulp fiction. After a thorough and complete ass beating they threw me out in the parking lot by my face. "Fuck it" I thought, at least they hadn't gone thru with there plans of peeing on me. Once I was a safe running distance away from them I took it upon myself to scream at the top of my lungs that I had fucked there mothers in every orifice I could fit it in. I'm very mature that way. Then I ran like hell. Once out of there grasp I slowed up and relaxed for a sec to giggle at what had just occurred. I tend to find amusement in misfortune. Even my own. Then I thought maybe the mall cops had mommy issues and that thought comforted me as I brushed myself off and looked for a place to clean up. I am a firm believer in the saying that when god closes a door he opens a window, as at that very moment I spy a bathroom and quickly scurry my dirty bleeding self into it as fast as I can.

 

After I cleaned myself off, I realized I was all alone very very far from home. I was also reasonably sure Lisa was pretty upset with me and wasn’t going to come get me. I called her cell phone about 20 times anyway to the continued repetitive sound of her voicemail. I left her a message on the twentieth call. I will not repeat what I said. I'm sure you already have a pretty good idea. Fuck it. I’m riding solo. I start walking, to where I haven’t a fucking clue, when I see two girls walking to there car. They are pretty and I am drunk. This works for me, and plus they have a car. I try my best to sound smooth as I approach and start talking to them but I am still pretty drunk so instead I sound like an idiot. Imagine this picture. A drunk, slurring, bloody and dirty idiot approaches you and asks for a ride. Yea right. Isn’t happening. I looked like a dirty hobo and smelled like a brewery. So usually that shit don’t fly. Unless your very very lucky, which I was that night. Turns out the girls had seen me take that ass kicking of my life by the mall cops and felt bad for me. They thought it was unfair that they had ganged up on me. They called the mall cops pussies. What they hadn’t seen was the reason why the mall cops beat me up. Thank god. I quickly agreed that what they had done to me was a horrible, terrible, heinous, cowardly thing and was wrong. I then informed them that I was all alone as my rotten friends had left me there to go get drunk at a party without me. I started to smile inside as they mumbled stupid girl shit about me being a poor thing. Silly vaginas I thought as they opened the cars back door and helped me into there rides backseat. They hopped in and the small talk commenced. They told me they were sorority sisters and there was to be a party at there place and would I like to come. Of course I would. Silly vaginas. For I knew that a sorority house was a perfect place to rob shit, and I needed money. And, as an added bonus, I am delighted to tell you there is also a wide variety of vagina and liquor available at ones dispense at one of these affairs. . Maybe tonight will end ok I thought and then I noticed a familiar car.

 

It was Lisa’s. And not even four spots away from hers was the storks. A fucking miracle. What are the fucking odds? The get you back gods were smiling on me that night I thought. I have a serious propensity for getting revenge on people I feel have wronged me. I have even been known to wait months, even years, to get back at someone. Which brings me back to poor little Lisa and her simpleton friend, the stork. Leave me huh bitch. Not without repercussions you ain't I sneered. Then I told the vaginas to pull over for a second as I needed to pee and look for bruises, because I thought the cops had really hurt me. This was met with more stupid vagina talk and ended, as was the theme it seemed, in me being a poor thing. I hope it’s your room I rob first dummy I mumbled under my breath as I got out of the vaginas car. I decided to start with Lisa’s car because she was the last and most recent one to fuck me over. I opened her car door, I never lock my side when I'm with other people in there cars, in case something bad happens and I have to high tail it out of somewhere. I have been doing this for years since the first time I got left somewhere by someone. Not happening again. It also works for occasions like this I thought as I pulled my zipper down. "This ones for you honey" I thought as a steady stream began and a smile formed on my cracked and bloody lips. I finished up pissing in her car, but not before I got every single little drop out. And then on my merry little way to the stork’s car I went. I almost felt like skipping but my liver was hurting from the vodka and many repeated blows I received from the mall cops so skipping was not an option at that time. Though I really wanted to. I had reserved a special treat for the stork, however. The crème de la crème. The stork’s car door upon arrival however, to my dismay, was locked. It was also a very expensive model car, something European I believe, and had an alarm. Figures I thought as I picked up the rock and smashed it thru the driver’s window. Then I started to laugh hysterically as I reached in to open the driver’s side door. It took me about two point two seconds to have my pants off and squat over the stork’s driver seat and try to squeeze a loaf off. As I was simultaneously trying to power poop one off on her seat, I was hopping on one foot to get my socks off. Needed something to wipe with. I was kind of in a hurry and hadn’t thought this one thru. Blind vengeance and vodka should never mix. If anyone had walked by it would have been a wrap for Muah. Here is a naked guy, bending over into a 70 thousand dollar car, hopping on one foot in broken glass, with the car alarm screaming, trying to poop. I would have been going to jail with the quickness for sure. Finally my plan unfurled itself and I felt it coming, but it wasn’t the firm solid type I had been thinking of. I had been drinking for a couple days straight and instead of a firm loaf, what I got was a steady stream of liquid poo. It felt like I was peeing out of my butt. She is going to be fuckin pissed I grinned as I wiped my ass with my socks and pulled my pants up. I took a moment to admire my handy work and smiled as there was a virtual pool of poo soaking up in her front seat. I was very very proud of myself at that moment. But I knew my time was limited and I had to go so I threw my poopie socks in her car and slammed the door shut.

 

Mission accomplished, I thought as an overwhelming sense of pride purveyed itself and a calming peace melted thru me for the grief I had just given poor Lisa and stork. All was good in the world and as it should be. So back to the vaginas car it was. We made short time back to the vaginas sorority house and upon arrival my eyes lit up like roman candles. There were HUNDREDS and I mean HUNDREDS of cars. Not your typical downriver ghetto bash, that’s for sure I thought. We walked in with the vaginas helping me out of the car. Upon entering the house I at once took in my surroundings. There were prolly around 300 maybe four hundred people there as the house was completely packed and had spilled out into the yard. I excused myself from the vaginas and told them I would come back and find them after hell froze over. They looked confused but I didn’t feel the need to enlighten them so I just walked away. I was thirsty. I needed to find the bar and get a drink. Then I remembered where it was I was at. College sorority parties do not have open bars. They have kegs. These to do's are almost always B.Y.O.B. and if you don’t bring your own your fucking stuck with crumby cheap piss beer. This was simply not going to do, as I have a heartthrob for all things liquor, so I needed to find a mark. It took me all of 2 minutes to find her. Her name was Jessica and she was everything I had hoped she would be. Young, hot, and stupid. But more importantly she was smashed and in possession of a lovely bottle of Belvedere Vodka. The cretin in me came out at once and I had to push him back down. "Hi I’m Dutch" the charade began. "Hi, I’m Jessica" she replied. Knowing you get further with sugar then salt, especially with the young ones I decided to try my hand at that game and went that route. "Nice too meet you Jessica, who are you with tonight" I asked. "Oh, I’m a sorority sister here, I'm with everyone, but if you mean like that then I'm here alone." perfect I thought. "Wow your way to pretty to be here alone sweetie" I said as I almost puked at the nonsense I was spewing. But she bought it and immediately I was in. "awwww. Thank you, your soooo sweet", she said. "And cute to" I replied and she laughed. Bingo. Hello Belvedere, here I come. "So how old are you?" she asked me. "Old enough to know better but to young to care I replied" with a grin. "Seriously, how old are you?" she asked again. "Honey I have sweaters older than you" I replied and then quickly changed the subject as not to spook my little talking bottle of vodka. "Hey do you want to go outside and talk for a sec?" I asked her. "I saw a DJ spinning live in the back yard”, "sure" she replied my new lil nymph for the night, and we were off.

 

I grabbed her by the hand and led her thru the crowd as she was way short and I am taller than most so I could see where I was going. We found our way outside and then I began to apply pressure. "That Belvedere sure looks good" "that’s my favorite" I stated. "Would you like some" she said. "Of course I would" and took it upon myself to snatch it out of her hand and power chug half the bottle. Silly girl I'm no rookie. To my amazement she didn’t even take offence. I felt the need right then to let my narcissism free but decided instead on restraint. Apparently this little vixen could take a blow. Time to push my luck and see how much I could get away with. "You have beautiful full lips, like Angelina Jolie" I said. "Oh really" she replied. "Yea, I wanna get them wet and stick you to a wall."  She thought this was hilarious and I realized I had a real trooper on my hands. "Compliments will get you everywhere" she said. It wasn’t a compliment you little twit I thought but kept it to myself. "Oh it will now will it" I said. "Then I have a special treat for you" I said. "Oh and what’s that?" she asked. Fuck it I think, time to shake the nice guy veneer. "Tube steak smothered in boxers" I replied. She starts cracking up at this and I realize why I love college chicks. They are actually worse people morally than me, a rare occurrence to say the least. She asks if I want to go find somewhere more private. And just like Billy Crystal, of course I do, don’t be ridiculous.

 

We make it to her bedroom, and all the while I'm chugging her vodka away like there’s no tomorrow. By the time we get to her room I had smashed all of it, but she was so drunk she didn’t even realize it. "Diamonds may be a girls best friends but my penis is a close second" I inform her as she giggles and pulls me to the bed. It is here that she turns the topic and starts talking. About girl shit. My least favorite topic. "So what do you like to do for fun?" she asks. "I like to dress up as a clown and flash kids at the mall" I reply. She doesn’t get it and I think I can actually see the cloudy haze of her drunken mind in her eyes. Not a good sign.  "what the fuck chick I thought we were going to fuck""what gives?" and just like that the mood swings and I can feel her turning into an ice hole. Fuck. Time to warm Frigidaire back up. "I’m sorry baby" "I’m just kidding" "your so pretty" and just like that she is smiling again and trying to eat my face. Fuckin a doggie. This chicks mind jumps from a to b quick I thought and then decided I wanted to give her a mushroom print. I pull it out then remembered that I still prolly have Lisa's va jay jay scent on my junk and would she be able to tell? I have heard that a women’s sense of smell is tenfold a mans but seriously impaired when a hoe has been drinking. Sometimes I look at sex from an almost scientific prospective and like to explore and test certain theories. Let’s find out shall we? I whip my pants down and feed it into her mouth and realize that no, she’s not going to be able to tell. So flush that theory down the toilet. Experiment finished I start to pump her mouth. And this girl could suck a bend out of a river god bless her lil soul. Rarely have I seen suck an ardent display of cocksucksminship. Professor Jessica obviously has earned herself a PHD in cockswallogy. I'm pumpin her piehole for all its worth when out of no where Mork and Mindy pops into my head. This makes me start cracking up at once. Sometimes my mind conjures up some pretty fucked up shit. Jessahoe looks up at me, dick still in her mouth but going limp because of the thought of Robin Williams and tries to speak. "whrs s sho funi" she coughs out. na new na new. What?? Asks Jessica.  "Jess hunny you need to articulate your words or I can’t understand you" I say. Then I push my pecker back in her mouth. But apparently jess had had enough and shoves me off her. But it wasn’t because she wanted to stop. It was simply because she needed some dick in her life and she needed it not now, but right now. Right the fuck on

 

Now I have absolutely no idea how many women I have slept with. Names, faces, and memories have all kind of blurred together thru the years. I will say, however, that it is a lot. Sometimes when I am in la la land, I love it there, I have a reoccurring daydream. In this daydream I imagine that all the girls I have slept with thru the years are gathered in a rather large room, and have the opportunity to meet one another. Then the dream immediately shifts gears and they are all naked lined up doggy style in a row with your truly at the helm. Hehe I have a vivid imagination. I am kind of curious about how they would all get along. There are many different types, shapes, sizes and flavors to all the different women I've been with. But only a few truly stand out for one reason or another in my mind. But some of them did truly stand out for all the wrong reasons. And this girl on this particular night was about to become one of them. And here’s why.

She pulled her pants off with authority and I realize this girl is not fuckin around. About this time I noticed a rather unpleasant aroma emulating from jessahoes unshaven nether regions. This girl had pube hair so long I could have dread locked it. Where’s my weed whacker I thought and smiled. Now a hairy bush doesn’t phase me, something I can plant turnips in summer, but that female funk she had kickin most certainly did. It reminded me of a Detroit garbage dump on a hot July night. It could make sped stick slow down, make right guard go left and make degree turn angles. For real. I mean seriously that shit smelled like death. But I was still all up in it trying to hold my breath. I tried turning my head to the side in between pumps to catch a breath of fresh air here and there, but it’s very very hard to bust a nut when you can’t breathe. I starting going limp, as well as blue, and I think she knew the jig was up and asked me what was wrong. "You have pussy halitosis" I replied with a slight tremor of a giggle. She was fucking hot and nothing is more disappointing then when a truly hot chick has a truly rank va jay jay. A damn shame. "What?" she asked me. "Honey you stink" I say in my most understanding tone. This infuriates her. "You fucking asshole" she screams in my face. "Hey that’s not nice" I manage threw bursts of laughter" "I’m not the one with rot crotch miss" I say and she has had enough. I get up and off the bed cause I know that the throwing of personal effects is imminent. Sure enough a book is quickly launched at my head. But she is drunk and her aim is off so my escape was easy. I open the door and rush out into the hallway. Right next to her door there is a chair in the hallway so I wedge it under her door handle, effectively locking her in her room. "So long stinky" I yell threw the door as the pounding begins. But there is no way in hell anyone will hear her as the music from downstairs is so loud the house is actually shaking. I am standing right next to her door and can barely hear her screaming. That’s what you get for being a stinky hoe. Then I realize where I'm at.

 

I remember that I know absolutely no one at this shin dig except the girls who brought me there and I ditched. Fuck. I need a new compadre amigo. ASAP. So I slithered back down the stairs into the open air of the full strength party. But I was in the know that I would need to work quickly and effectively because I was sure that the chair I had placed under stink o ramas door wouldn’t hold forever or she would find another way out and then I was sure she would gather her friends and hunt me down for the unpleasant way I had behaved. That’s when I noticed the tall slender beautiful blond with pigtails standing with what I assumed were her pet dufusses. No way is such a hot chick going out with one of these dweebs, so I walked over and said hello.

 

That’s when the Swedish accent hit me. Blond beautiful and Swedish. Are you fucking kidding me? What are the odds? Well I will tell you something about odds. There is no such thing as odds. People get what they put into things. You get back what you put in. This is true like 100 percent of the time. The reason I have nights like this is because I make them happen. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times. There are three types of people in this world. Those that wonder what happened. Those that watched what happened. And those that made it happen. I am the latter. Back to Goldie Locks. She is a foreign exchange student here for school but even cooler than that is she is very, and I mean very very drunk. Way past slurring her words drunk. She is wobbling on her toes and can barely stand. I never go after girls who are this drunk, just not my speed, but I needed either a car or a safe place to hide from stinky. I pull her away and one of the duffusses eyeballs me suspiciously. He is obviously a good judge of character but what is he going to do, Not a damn thing cause fucking Olga with her Swedish meatballs and shit is absolutely drooling all over me. Apparently in her drunken hazy mind I am the hottest man alive. Not much of a misconception or far from the truth.

 

I move her quickly to the far corner of the room and ask her if she has a car. She says yes but why she asks, because she also happens to live here and would absolutely love to show me her room. The Swiss are notorious for there very open sexual nature and are in general as a rule of thumb a very liberal, if not immoral, people. As am I I smile as she leads me back up stairs. Right past the chair I had firmly wedged under stinkers door just moments ago. Thank god she had stopped pounding on the fucking door or I would have been hit. I think in retrospect she probably just gave up and passed out drunk. Whatever. Olga, Or whatever the fuck her name was notices the chair and begins to reach for it so I grabbed her hand and kissed her hard on the mouth to distract her. This effectively put an end to that nonsense. The funny part? Her fucking room was right next to stinkies. I still smile about that one. We stumble into Olga's room and start going at it. She turns the light off and pulls me to her bed. But all I can think of is where she has her car keys at. Cause after she passes out. I’m stealing it.

 

About five minutes or so into our make out session she informs me she has to pee and gets up to go to the bathroom. I think nothing of it. She reappears about ten minutes later and I think nothing of it. We resume what we were up to when after kissing her I noticed a peculiar taste in my mouth. But I am drunk so again I think nothing of it. We do the deed and I effectively fucked her to sleep. Ding ding ding. We have a winner ladies and gentleman. I crept out of her bed but to be honest this girl was so drunk she could have slept thru a hurricane. That’s when I started looking for her keys. About ten minutes or so into my hunt I struck gold. I quickly pocketed her keys and peeked out her door to make sure the chair was still firmly in place. Thank god it was. I eased myself back downstairs and noticed the party was starting to wind down. I didn’t give a fuck. All I wanted to do was go the fuck home. I had had my fun for the night and needed some r.e.m. in my life. Outside I hit the panic button on her keychain and was rewarded by her car alarm sounding off. Fucking volts wagon. Figures.

 

I got in, started it up, and sped away. As I pulled out onto Michigan avenue there was this tall skinny black dude in his forties or so doing his little jive dance at the red light I was stuck at. He was holding a cup of coffee and was obviously very drunk. Rule number one in the city of Detroit is you never make eye contact with people here unless you want trouble. I did not so I glanced at him and looked away. That’s when he called out to me. Please remember this is at like six in the fucking morning. I hear "hey" "hey man" so I look over at him. He is smiling at me as he flips me the bird and says "hey nigga fuck you". I almost lost it. I was cracking up. Not sure I have laughed that hard in awhile. I flipped him the bird back as I pulled away and replied "fuck you to" with a smile. I ditched Olga

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