Nicole, would YOU have a one night stand with…Brian Williams?
Yes, because if I suck, he’ll craft an elaborate lie about how great I was.
That happened, bro. Where have you been? I’m a purveyor of bad taste.
You can’t trust a guy who names his sandwich a Big Mac. He probably texts women photos of it so everyone knows “how big it is.” Guys who talk like that always do, which is why I stay away from professional athletes. All this aside, his head hair is awful. I don’t want to see how bad it is elsewhere. Pass. That Hamburglar though, he’s something wearing that kinky Fifty Shades of Grey eye mask everywhere. Short, but doable. I’ll consider him. I can’t consider that braided chick – she’s probably underage – and the bald purple monster–
His name is Grimace.
Yeah, Grimace, him. I don’t know. I heard once you go purple, you never go back. Not sure yet if I want to make that commitment to another race. And our kids? Come on, I get enough flack not being 100 percent “white” whatever that means in America anymore, though technically, I mean I LOOK white. I can’t have kids with him. And judging by how husky boned the dude is, he’s probably super fertile. Shaking hands with him could get me pregnant.
Ina Garten, aka. Food Network’s Barefoot Contessa?
She clearly has a foot fetish with that stage name. I follow her show, and her hubby Jeffrey is always out of town teaching. Which can only suggest she prefers her Internet foot porn to anything Jeffrey offers. For a 12,000 year old Yale professor, Jeffrey has a somewhat good body. Something is terribly wrong here if she doesn’t appreciate that sweetness.
Snoop Dogg aka. Snoop Lion?
No, he’s one of those old school rap guys who make really bad lyrical puns. Like, he’ll sweet talk me next month, “March is coming in like a lamb and out like a lion. A Snoop Lion!” No thanks.
No! I won’t have any energy. She’ll make me go on a starvation cleanse beforehand. You’re talking about the woman who steams her private area. There must be some reason she’s single, and evidently, not by choice. Pre-Goop days when she was less demanding, I would’ve said YES in big bold caps.
No way, she’ll shriek whistle registers in my ear when she’s having fun.
The guy is married to Kate Borington and has to act so proper all the time, which can only mean he’s anything but. How do you think poker players invented the term “royal flush?” That sounds like something out of a Kanye West song. Let’s pencil him in for Monday.
A-ha, is this because I always tell people my one request for men is “You must have played the lead in Titanic?” Good one, you Funny Or Die folks. I was referring to Leo DiCaprio in a dating requirement so difficult, it eliminates the majority of people asking me out, who are basically pro jocks and great grandpas. But if you insist, the answer is, I would definitely like time with Kate, but it cannot be anything serious. She’s a smart, gorgeous, perfectionist, talented woman. And as someone who’s been called a smart, gorgeous, perfectionist, talented woman myself by people meeting me from work, I know women like myself. I’m a whiny bitch you want to throw out the window after a week of knowing me. Kate also probably gets irritating once you get to know her well, to the point where you don’t care how hot she is, so if you have her number, tell her I say yes, but only if it’s once a month so we don’t get too close. Brokeback Mountain camping style.
Finally, would you date yourself? Wink, wink.
How do you think I got this job? Will Ferrell didn’t hire me because he liked my face.
All right, Nicole. Tell us about yourself.
I’m the fabulously awesome Nicole Russin, as seen above, owner of a Twitter handle @TheGirlIsLucky and aspiring celebrity chef, among other incredibly things! Check out my free cookbook and 99 cent cookbook, both at Apple iBooks! You can tell by the photo how I spend my days smiling, primped and styled, a lot like I’m in 1960’s Hollywood. I woke up like this. Really.