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December 08, 2014

Follow these fun tips for the coziest winter ever!


Old Man Winter has finally arrived and temperatures are dropping fast — but don’t let the cold weather blues get you down! Here are 53 fun ways to stay warm and snugly this winter:

  • Layer up.
  • Invest in some thermal underwear.
  • Invest in some Nermal underwear — that precocious kitty was always getting on Garfield’s nerves.
  • Build a fire.
  • Remember you don’t own a fireplace.
  • Start a fire in a metal trashcan outside.
  • Warm your hands over it.
  • Realize your trash fire is attracting hobos.
  • Sip some hot tea.
  • Worry that the neighbors will complain about the makeshift tent city quickly developing on your lawn.
  • Look into an elderly hobo’s eyes and remember that there but for the grace of God goes you.
  • Welcome the men with open arms.
  • Swap stories over a hot can of beans — hey, these fellas ain’t so bad!
  • Allow Dusty Joe and Chickenbone to go inside and use your bathroom.
  • Continue to chow down on piping hot beans, straight from the can.
  • Entertain the notion of someday walking away from your job and family to live a hobo’s life, riding the rails.
  • Feel a gurgle in your stomach.
  • Realize you’ve just eaten three full cans of unlabeled hobo beans.
  • Head for the bathroom.
  • See that the front door has been locked.
  • The side door, too.
  • Peek in your bedroom window to find Chickenbone and Dusty Joe going at it hard on your bed.
  • Knock on the window and yell for them to let you in, goddammit.
  • Watch helplessly as they incorporate your cherished childhood teddy bear into the act.
  • Ask the other hobos if they would kindly tell their cohorts to stop fornicating and unlock the door.
  • Feel a broken whiskey bottle whiz by your head.
  • Wonder how the guys could just turn on you like that.
  • Even Squeaky, with whom you share a birthday.
  • Put a pin in that thought because your ass is about to explode.
  • Run to a nearby tree, frantically pulling down your pants.
  • Dump out a steaming pile of excrement in your backyard like some kind of sick animal.
  • Hang your head in shame.
  • Notice that you’ve pretty much destroyed your new Nermal underwear.
  • Wish YOU could be shipped off to Abu Dhabi right about now…
  • Feel your hands getting numb.
  • Reluctantly warm them over your own steaming pile of excrement.
  • Hope to God no one saw that.
  • Turn to see your grandparents, several former high school teachers, and the mayor standing over you.
  • Try to explain the situation in a calm, rational manner.
  • Realize that your pants are still down.
  • Slip and fall in your own feces.
  • Repeat.
  • Get up to comfort your screaming grandmother.
  • Get socked in the gut by your grandfather as he yells, “Keep away from her, you dirty hobo!“
  • Feel pleasantly surprised as the other hobos rush to your defense — they do like you after all!
  • Watch as they really let loose on grandpa … serves him right for crossing you.
  • Eventually tell them that the old man has had enough, but thanks for looking out.
  • Hear a large bulldozer in the distance.
  • Notice the mayor directing a fleet of demolition equipment toward your house.
  • Recall that his main platform was running hobos out of town.
  • Watch helplessly as the dirty hobo sex dungeon that was once your home is smashed into to the ground.
  • See Dusty Joe and Chickenbone flee from the wreckage, nude as the day they were born.
  • Figure you probably didn’t want that house back anyway.