If you’re reading this, then you can see I’ve left you. I can’t keep doing this, not with the way you’ve treated me recently. The things you do reflect on me. Literally. In fact, that’s our entire relationship in a nutshell. Well, now that relationship is over. I’m ending it. I’m sorry, but I have to be strong. I won’t put up with your unwillingness to buy new replacement cartridges for your razor any longer.No longer will I be an accomplice to the crime against humanity growing on your chin. I want nothing to do with your hideous new beard.
You can’t say that I haven’t been patient with you either. I have been there and supported you through some of your most questionable phases:
- The fedora? I helped convince you that was a good idea when we both knew it wasn’t.
- The month you tried“guy liner”? I’ll take most of the blame for that.
- The summer scarf?Actually, I still kind of think you could have pulled that off in public. I could have been more encouraging.
It’s not easy leaving. You and I shared some great times together, some truly intimate and special private moments I will always cherish: all the flexing in your underwear, the practicing your selfie-face, and, of course, inspecting that one mole down where you couldn’t quite see it on your own. I will treasure those forever.
I am special, too special to waste any more of my life trying to show you how disgusting that pile of hair dripping off your face is. I could have been a disco ball, or a whole bunch of really bad-ass aviator sunglasses, or maybe even a ceiling panel above some self-absorbed pop star’s bedroom.
Please don’t try to contact me unless you’ve actually left that beard behind for good. And please don’t try to blame it on the high prices of Mach3® replacement cartridges either. The original patents owned by Gillette® ran out on those. Now you can get reasonably priced replacement cartridges for your Mach3® from the store.
- The Mirror
P.S. Please also consider this my pre-emptive condemnation of any variation of a man bun.
This product is not manufactured or distributed by The Gillette Company, owner of the registered trademarks Gillette® and Mach3®
Illustrations By Carl Meff