***Article updates at the bottom!***
What up humanity. My name is Matt Klinman and I am about three episodes behind on Game Of Thrones. This article is about how long I can go before the season finale that aired last night on HBO is spoiled for me.
My guess is very soon.
As if the deck isn’t stacked against me enough just by existing, I am about to go into a pitch meeting for Funny Or Die where one of the topics we are supposed to pitch on is the Game of Thrones finale. My strategy is to tell everyone in a very whiny voice, “No Spoilers!” and then scamper out of the room while they talk about it.
But who knows? Any asshole at any time can ruin this “shocking” high fantasy surprise for me. Last week the death of that little girl was spoiled for me by my coworker John when he pitched this article in a meeting I was in. And three weeks ago that episode with the Sansa rape was spoiled for me by all those articles asking if it’s OK for a person who never existed to get raped. And you know what, I didn’t enjoy that scene as much as I bet I would have if it wasn’t spoiled for me. In fact, I was disturbed by it. I won’t make that mistake again.
As of now all I know is that a lot of big stuff happened last night and somehow it deviated from the books (I was in the middle of the third book when they announced the TV show and then I was like, fuck it, I don’t wanna hear this story twice).
So far the world is doing a good job of not ruining everything for me … but for how long?
I assume the first comment on this article will be a spoiler, so obviously I won’t be checking in on the comments. I am also aware “this is dumb and who cares,” but to that I say “yeah but come on, you know?”
Anyway, I was afraid to even Google “Game Of Thrones” to get an image for the thumbnail of this article, so that’s why it’s actually an image from the 2002 motion picture Reign Of Fire.
I will update as soon as this is spoiled for me, which, if I’m totally honest with myself, I know is inevitable.
Update 1 - 2:45 pm EST - I survived the pitch meeting without anything getting spoiled. I also logged into my twitter and realized Funny or Die tweeted out this article and I had a ton of alerts. I don’t know if any of them were replies spoiling it because I closed out of there real quick. Trying not to go on Facebook, too, but you know how that goes.
Update 1 - 3:15 pm EST - Matt is no longer allowed to see this article. This is his editor and he was just sent the following text messages, which he was lucky enough to avoid looking at.
OBVIOUSLY THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THIS TEXT MESSAGE.