Hello Earth, I am Cal Tech Professor Mike Brown. You may know me as the hero astronomer that killed off Pluto as a planet. If you thought I was done with the DWARF planet Pluto, boy, you were wrong. You see, I just found another planet in our solar system. A big one. And I’ve decided to name it “The REAL Pluto.” And if you don’t like it then fuck you and fuck Pluto.
It’s no secret I hate Pluto. Ruining Pluto was one of the greatest achievements of my life. That sickly little rock had been wasting our time for decades. But once it was demoted to dwarf planet people rallied behind it and even started using it as a jumping off point for learning about other dwarf planets and planetary bodies. This infuriated me. I wanted Pluto, and those that love it, to feel more pain, more embarrassment.
Then the photos came out. The bastard fools at NASA had sent a probe to Pluto to spite me. And there it was. Disgusting. Tiny. Feeble. Like a baby roach begging to be squashed. It had that cloying fucking heart on it. I vomited when I first saw those photos. Even today, my jaw locks and my blood boils when I think of them.
I am Rage. I will devour the universe if it means Pluto will feel an ounce more pain.
I set out to destroy Pluto’s reputation further. I determined I would not rest until it was not just forgotten, but that it is derided as a fraud, an afterthought that is mocked and laughed at. A disparaged little piece of garbage circling the Sun until the end of time.
The anger gave me strength to look out further into the solar system. To see what others dared not. They never tell you how strong hatred makes you. How it allows you to live without sleeping. Without love. Without decency. With my heretical instruments I peered out into nothingness until I found what I sought. A dark planet. One light could not reach. A planet as cold and lifeless as my soul.
And when I found it I knew what I would call it: “The REAL Pluto.” A name that made the first Pluto look like the charlatan it is. A name that, whenever said, would drive daggers into the heart of that little bitch planetoid you all hold so dear.
I discovered it; I name it. That’s how it works. The REAL Pluto will live forever. Years from now when the curious discuss The REAL Pluto they will ask, “Why is it called The REAL Pluto?” The answer will simply be,“Oh, so no one confused it with the shitty fake one.” And to that they will say, “Oh, who cares about the shitty fake one?” And in my grave I will smile.
Do I give a shit the textbooks must be rewritten? No.
Do I give a shit thousands of murals of the solar system will now be out of date? No.
Do I give a shit that children making a model of the solar system will now have to buy a shit ton more material because to make an accurate scale model of the solar system where Neptune is 2 feet away from the Sun, now the “Real Pluto” will have to be 6 to 12 feet away (Yeah, try to fit THAT in your car mom and dad)? No.
Why do I hate Pluto? Because it is pathetic. It is weakness. It is the puny dilettante believing itself able to dance with the Big Boys. It is everything I swear I will never be. I decide what is and isn’t in this solar system. Me, Professor Mike Brown. I am the REAL astronomer and I found The REAL Pluto, and you shall know its name. And you shall know my legacy. Fuck you.