Author E.L. James recently announced she will be releasing a new version of her salacious novel ‘50 Shades Of Grey,’ this time from the perspective of the sexually dominant Christian Grey. Here are a few excerpts from the book that show a totally different side of the supposedly confident and mysterious Mr. Grey.
Jesus, what the fuck am I doing. I open the door to the big room with all the sex stuff in it. Ana seems intimidated and impressed. Cool. I can’t let her know that all this stuff was already in the apartment when I moved in and I have never used any of it.
Christian Grey, could you finally lose your virginity tonight?
She’s walking around the room. Oh man, she is gonna just start laughing at me. Ana touches one of those big whip things that are in here. One of the ones that is super heavy and I am too scared to throw it out because of what the garbage guys will think of me.
Uh oh… she wants to know what it is uh… uh… uh…
“It’s called a flogger,” I say.
What the fuck? A flogger? What am I a little English school boy?
Is she buying it? Oh man, I can’t tell. She is just silent. I’m such an idiot. How did this happen? My dad got me this job in a big fancy building and then this pretty college girl came in one day while I was playing Minecraft and I just started acting like I was all tough an mysterious, I had no idea people would just go for this stuff, what am I doing?!?
I couldn’t take the tension anymore. Does she buy it or is she pocket texting her friends that I am a big dumb loser?
“Say something,” I stammer.
“Do you do this to people or do they do it to you?”
SHE BUYS IT! I am winging it and have somehow been totally nailing it! For some reason this 21-year-old girl thinks I am some impressive sexual beast. Fake it till you make it, I guess?
I can’t let her know I’ve never seen a live human vagina before. Also, I definitely shouldn’t call it a “live human vagina” out loud.
“People?” Don’t blow this Christian. “I do this to women who want me to.”
Ugh I’m such an idiot, woman are people. She was just being polite sexuality-wise and I sound like a fucking idiot.
“If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?”
Oh man, she totally thinks I have done this before! This is nuts!
My penis is so hard, I have never gotten this close to having sex. On the one hand I feel bad that I am kinda tricking her, but on the other hand, I’ve never had sex and I am so lonely and who knew that you just had to act like a mysterious creep to get college girls to like you?! This is insane!
“Because I want to do this with you, very much.”
Nice, dude, nice. Maybe I can keep it romantic and normal like this and she will drop this weird S&M thing I have backed myself into. Don’t actually want to use the “flogger.” Would rather just have nice normal sex.
“Oh, you’re a sadist?”
Oh fuck. I don’t know what that means. Am I one? Do I pretend I am a sadist? No, no, make something up so she won’t know… uhhhh.
“I’m a Dominant.” Nice and vague.
“What does that mean?” Fuck, I have no idea… make something up uhhhhh
“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all
things,” I say, hoping she didn’t notice with my nerves part of the sentence kinda sounded like I was trying to have an English accent.
She pauses. Crap. That was way too obvious. Why did I say that? This is a smart, pretty, independent woman who I have just met, why would a man ever say anything like that!?!?!
“Why would I do that?”
Fuck fuck fuck fuck she knows I am a fraud.
I looked down for a moment. Do I just give it up? Do I tell her that I am basically a little nerd boy with a boner that is in too deep?
Guhhhhh. Ok, last chance.
“To please me,” I whisper. Barely able to say it because it was so absurd. “In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me.”
“How do I do that?”
Dude. No. Way. She is buying it!
Rather than going back downstairs, I turn right out of the big room with sex stuff, and down the corridor to my bedroom. Did I change the sheets? Ugh, what does it matter it’s not like anything sexy has been happening in there. But it looks so stupid. Maybe Anastasia can make it look cool. She seems pretty cool and was just in college.
“This will be your room. You can decorate it how you like, have whatever you like in here.” I tell her. Wait, her room? Damnit, Christian. You meant to say “your own room” like “Christian’s room.”
“My room? You’re expecting me to move in?” she says.
Jesus Christ. I’m coming off as a fucking creep who is moving way too fast. I mean, I’d love if she wanted to hang around and have sex all the time, but maybe that’s asking too much?
“Not full time. Just say, Friday evening through Sunday. We have to talk about all that, negotiate. If you want to do this,” I say.
“I’ll sleep here?”
She’s over me. She hates this.
“Yes.” I stammer.
“Not with you.”
Was that a question or an order? Am I that gross? I just showed her the weird sex room and maybe I overdid it. Fuck. I mean, I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who has an entire room dedicated to smelly sex toys. A few sex toys discreetly hidden in a side table by your bed, sure! But a whole room??! Girls like guys who play music or have entire rooms dedicated to sports stuff. Not a jack-off S&M den. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“Where do you sleep?” she asks.
“My room is downstairs.“ Fuck. This is not true. All that is downstairs is that scary sex dungeon. I hate it in there.
“Alright, I guess I’ll see you in the morning then. Goodnight, Christian,” Anastasia says and closes the door.
Wait? That means she agreed to that Friday-Sunday thing! That is SO much sex. Are there repercussions to too much sex? I know girls can get UTI’s but can dudes? Whatever, I’ll figure all of that out when we start having TOO much sex. This is so cool. From being a virgin to having all the sex I want over a long weekend! What the hell!
I turn back down the long corridor and make my way to the sex dungeon. It takes me three attempts to unlock the room because I have sex on the brain and can’t remember the keypad code. I curl up on some weird red, plush couch and try not to smell anything as I cover myself with the tassels of those scary leather whips because they are the only blanket-like thing in here.
"I'm about to start having SO much cool sex," I whisper to myself.
I hold out the two round, shiny silver balls linked with a thread. She can’t know I just ripped these off my Newton’s Cradle. Oh man, I loved playing with that thing and using it to understand the concept of momentum but I have to escalate these sex things and I don’t have anymore old whips or anything.
Uhhh of shit. She’s expecting me to explain what they are.
“These are new,” I mumble.
I look at her and she seems to buy it. Ok, Christian, now what are you going to do with these balls? This is so weird. I’ve flown too close to the sun. I was somehow pulling this cool confident sex maniac thing, but now I’m finally going to be seen for the fraud I am.
Maybe I can just roll them around on her butt? No, I’ve gone too far, I have to stick them somewhere. There is no way she will like this but maybe if I act like I really like it for some reason she’ll be cool with it?
“I am going to put these inside you…” that sounds so dumb, dude, bail bail bail “…and then…” and then what? And then what dude? Oh man, bail bail bail “...I’m going to spank you, not for punishment, but for your pleasure and mine.”
I sound like a teenager trying to convince his mom he’s gonna do his homework better from now on.
I don’t think she is buying it. Fuck, salvage salvage. I just go back to something reliable.
“And then we’ll fuck?” I say, trying to not to make it sound like a question but it did anyway. Oh man, I clearly blew this. All this
Dominant shit is so fucked, forget it. I’m just going to go back to regular relationship stuff.
I quickly add “And if you’re still awake, I’ll impart some information about my formative years. Agreed?”
Fuck, this was a clusterfuck, I just asked for like 10 different things.
WHAT!!?! This is nuts, she is going for it! How does one dumb dude just constantly luck into saying the right things over and over? Someone should write a book about how crazy this is.
Fuck, how do I just shove metal balls up someones vagina? Metal hurts humans. Won’t it like rust in there?
She is staring at me for a while, she can tell I have no further metal ball plan.
“Good girl. Open your mouth… They need lubrication”
I put them in her mouth but as I do I realize I totally just forgot that the female body self lubricates during arousal.
Once again, Christian Grey, you are just going to have to wing it and act like what you are doing makes sense and isn’t just dumb things no one would ever do. I hope she still likes me after she figures out I have no idea what I’m doing and have just been making it up as I go.
I am such an idiot.