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January 21, 2015
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The Marvel Universe is getting rebooted, and there are big changes coming. Jean Grey? Now Jean Purple.

Marvel announced recently that, for the first time ever, the Marvel Comics Universe as we know it will come to an end. Here are some of the changes you can expect in the new Marvel Comics Universe.


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Wolverine - His signature adamantium claws will now be soup ladles. He will go everywhere with an actual wolverine on his shoulder, which he will feed from his plate and attempt to use as a conversation starter with women.


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Jean Grey - Jean Purple.


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Spider-Man - The famed webslinger will remain mostly unchanged, except that he will now suffer from paralyzing arachnophobia. Every time he crawls up a wall he will attempt to swat himself. Writers expect this arc to be as emotionally wrenching as the death of Gwen Stacy.


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Iron Man - The suit will now feature a big swinging circumcised metal dick.


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Black Widow - Purple Widow


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The X-Men - Instead of physically fighting for mutant freedom, the X-Men will now mostly just reblog images tagged #MutantLivesMatter and call it a day. But in this day and age, isn’t cyberactivism just as important? Or is it just preaching to the choir? The comics will be mostly them sitting around discussing this.


Scarlet Witch - She won’t be in it.


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