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Published July 09, 2008

I am so bored because all my friends are away for the summer, and by my friends I mean Hiro Nakamura ,Gossip Girl, Hurley, and that chubby kid from two and half men. The only thing that seems to be on lately are reruns of Law and Order. I watch them all; regular Law and Order, Law and Order: Criminal Intent and even Law and Order: Rape. At this point I’ve seen almost every episode like a million times and I’ve noticed that Law and Order rules are also life rules. Here are some of the little nuggets of world wisdom I’ve acquired from the Tao of Dick Wolf.

 

1) If someone gets brutally murdered, you should make a joke or pun to lighten the mood. For instance, after a woman was pushed on the subway tracks and then violently run over, Jerry Orbach quipped, “Looks like the lady caught her train”. Oh Jerry, that’s funny ‘cause it’s true. I will try that same technique at my grandmother’s funeral, she just died of cancer, what rhymes with melanoma?

 

2) You can only be an assistant district attorney if you’re a smokin’ hot babe. It’s true. Jack McCoy has been through at least seven ADA’s and they’re all masturbatingly gorgeous. Sorry frumpy Harvard girl with your brilliant analytical mind and your Jew fro. How are you going to fill out a subpoena if you can’t fill out a tight top?

 

3) If you’re ever questioned by the police, no matter what, act annoyed. How dare they bother you at work? You are a very important barista (or salesperson, construction worker, prostitute) and even though someone you know was raped and stabbed last night, that is no reason to stop what you are doing or even show any concern.

 

4) If your dog runs after something in a park, an alley, or an apartment who’s front door is slightly ajar, he will definitely lead you to a dead body. You might think it’s going to be a squirrel, or a ball, or your neighbors cat, but you’ll be wrong, it’s going to be your neighbors’ cold, dead corpse.

Up Tomorrow- what “Small Wonder” taught me about love.

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