Yesterday, despite his being captured on camera using an NYPD-prohibited chokehold, a grand jury declined to indict NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo of killing Eric Garner. This, coupled with Darren Wilson’s recent non-indictment, has prompted many to wonder what an officer would have to do to actually be brought to trial. However, there are in fact statutes on the books under which a grand jury has almost no choice but to indict. For an officer to be indicted, (s)he would have to…

  • Eat the president and vice president in front of no fewer than seven Supreme Court justices (former presidents don’t count).
  • Shoot the sun enough times to snuff it out and then keep shooting it.
  • Participate in or fail to prevent the crucifixion of a second-come Jesus Christ, assuming he’s a white Jesus.
  • Cry “I think ISIS is extremely good!” in a crowded Saturday showing of Foxcatcher.
  • Wing a good-looking white woman somewhere the scar will show.
  • Forge a relative’s signature.
  • Spend 12 years teaching an abducted baby to hunt man.
  • Throw a sword through the queen.
  • Appear on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon in a Klan mask and drown a Make-A-Wish kid during Jimmy’s monologue, yelling, “Bring back Leno!”
  • Sell Puerto Rico to Al-Qaeda and use the profits to erect a lewd statue in a public space.
  • Act in opposition to the police union.
  • Travel back in time and shoot the guy who’s about to shoot baby Hitler and then, ever so tender, shake baby Hitler’s little baby hand.
  • Excavate the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and fill it with a dump truck of guano.
  • Be a real, actual vampire, draining people of blood to sustain itself, and even then, it’s like 50/50 depending on the neighborhood.
  • Do hubris.
  • Dive into a madcap alternate universe where those who swear to protect and serve their communities can’t murder members of that community with impunity, and then try to do that.
  • Throw a sword through the pope.