Yesterday, February 21st, 2013 a date which will live in infamy, the fans of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were suddenly and deliberately attacked by Michael Bay and the forces of the Empire of Paramount Pictures.
The fans were at peace with Michael Bay and, at the solicitation of Paramount, were still in conversation with him and Platinum Dunes looking toward the maintenance of peace on the internet.
Indeed, two hours after Michael Bay had announced casting Megan Fox in the role of April O’Neil, the twitter ambassador to the fans delivered to us a nonsensical question and answer in Japanese. And while this reply seemed useless to both English and Japanese speaking fans, it contained no threat or hint of intelligence.
It will be recorded that the distance between Megan Fox from Michael Bay makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, Paramount and Michael Bay have deliberately sought to deceive the fans by false statements of script rewrites and expressions of hope for continued internet peace.
The attack today on the fans has caused severe damage to American nostalgia and the hope for a good TMNT movie. I regret to tell you that very many childhood memories have been lost. In addition, 70s and 80s pop culture has been reported torpedoed in movie theaters between 2003 and 2011.
In 2003, Michael Bay also launched an attack against The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
In 2005, Michael Bay attacked The Amityville Horror.
In 2007, Michael Bay attacked Transformers.
In 2009, Michael Bay attacked Friday the 13th and Transformers again.
In 2010, Michael Bay attacked A Nightmare on Elm Street.
And in 2011, Michael Bay attacked Transformers for a third time.
Michael Bay has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the past five decades. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The fans of pop culture have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our franchises.
Mr. President, as commander in chief of the Army and Navy, we ask that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated attack, the fans of all things in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe that I interpret the will of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our memories, and our profitable franchises are in grave danger.
With confidence in our collective might, with the unbounding determination of all fans, we will gain the inevitable triumph so help us God.
We ask that the Congress and the office of the President declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Michael Bay on Thursday, February 21st, 2013, a state of war has existed between fans everywhere and Michael Bay.
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