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July 05, 2012

This is a story of Alice and the day she achieved something far greater than money and fame. This is the day she learned about self love and great hair.

        Alice was a pleasant lady with a mane that scared most forest dwelling animals.  She hadn’t been on many dates given that her unruly hair held her back from many simple experiences.  She had tried it all to get her crazy “do” under control, but nothing seemed to manage it.   One exceptionally terrible hair day, Alice went to the bathroom to try to get her ridiculous locks under control.  Janine, her colleague who was unbelievably gorgeous with perfect hair walked in and looked at her with shock. “Whoa! What is up with your head? It’s DISGUSTING!  It looks like a dead llama that’s been left to decompose for a while.” Alice was so shocked that someone would say such a thing that she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.  “It’s not that bad!  One time I was up at a cottage with my lonely Aunt Louise when a bear wandered onto the property.  We were so scared it would attack that I quickly reached down to grab a rock to throw it at the bear when it caught sight of me.  It slammed its own head onto a boulder several times, wobbled over to the water, buried its head under some stones and mud and suffocated itself.” Janine laughed and walked off leaving poor Alice to fret in solitude.

          Alice was so upset by this.  It was getting ridiculous; she was 35 years old and had never had a proper date. Once the date in question saw her hair, they ran in the opposite direction or worse, they tried to slay her.  One time a handsome guy who she had met on the internet saw her and gouged his eyes out with a caviar spoon and threw them at her. The closest thing to sex she had experienced was being bucked in the pelvis by a horse that was trying to defend itself from her hair.  Although most of her reproductive system had been ruined, her hymen had still been successfully broken. Just when Alice was beginning to lose all hope, she received an email from Janine with no subject.  She hastily opened it to see that it contained a single link.  Alice was curious as what it could possibly be about.  “Probably another joke about me and my hair” she thought sadly.  She opened the link to see it contained a secret that had only been known to the elite of the beauty world.  It was vagina cream!  It said it would manage hideous locks, grow it to beautiful lengths and help any undesirable person become truly desirable.  Alice was still very sceptical.  “How could this possibly work?” she thought to herself, but she went to purchase some after work with much disapproval on the face of the man at the pharmacy.  Either that or he had had a stroke and that’s just how he looked.

           That night before bed, Alice placed a generous amount all over her hair and wrapped it tightly in a silk scarf, as instructed by the site.  “Here goes nothing.” Alice said with a sigh and off to sleep she went. That night she had terrible nightmares about hair wrapping itself so tightly around her that it caused her limbs to fall off one by one only to decapitate her shortly after.  This final thought woke Alice abruptly.  It was 2 minutes to her alarm going off.  She grumpily made her way to the bathroom to get ready feeling that it had probably not worked and that she was having anxiety dreams for nothing.  She removed the silk scarf, showered and wrapped her hair in a towel to help it dry quickly.  She went to her room, applied some makeup, dressed and removed the towel to reveal the most luscious, sexy vagina shaped hair you’d ever seen.  It was like the queen of the vaginas had come up from the depths of the vaginal underworld and blessed her hair with the gift of moisture, fullness, and the slightest hint of sex oozing from it (literally.  Sex poured out of the strands.) And it made her face and body magically look amazing too!


            Alice practically bounced to work that morning.  Everywhere she went people stared at her hair with amazement and wonder.  Some even started undressing one another in her presence.  She passed dogs and they immediately started humping her legs. Men had taken to breathing her in deeply and whispering things like “your hair seems like it likes it rough and so do you” in her ear as opposed to running for safety.  Everyone in the office took turns touching her hair especially Karen, the lady who liked to wear men’s suits and Jim, who drove the creepy white van and talked a lot about the human centipede.  Alice found Janine through the crowd of people from the office and some from outside who had wandered in.  “Janine, without you telling me about this, I don’t think I would have ever found the confidence to be who I am, thank you.”  Janine smiled and replied “anything for good hair and to help make someone easier on the eyes.” 


And so we end this tale with Alice now dating frequently enough to have garnered a name for herself (ask around and you’ll find out).  Animals in the wild try desperately to mate with her so she needs to avoid them as they have become quite dangerous. And although Alice may never reproduce as a result of the above bucking accident, she hopes to have a family one day soon too with her boyfriend who has agreed to an open relationship on her terms. 


The real moral of this story for all your wide eyed impressionable youth is that vagina cream has more than one use oh and to love yourself no matter how gross you are THE END.