1. Loren finally finishes his great American novel…and it’s a teen smut sensation!
Loren almost shits a brick when he realizes that he sent the manuscript for his outercourse-heavy novel to the wrong printer.
No need to freak out, Loren. “Turgid Dawn” is instant hit! Not in any literary circles, but with the throngs of hormone-riddled teenagers at Smoot! According to Abbey, it’s a bonafide literary phenomenon!
While the kids don’t necessarily appreciate its nuanced exploration of identity and masculinity in the 21st century, they do like all the parts where the characters get to third base. So not so much a literary “home run” as it is a “triple,” ifyouknowwhatImean.
So I guess it’s no surprise that everyone at Smoot thinks that a kid wrote this book. Because why would any grown adult think that the height of sexual expression is “over the pants stuff.” Plus, all the sex scenes feel like they were written by someone whose understanding of the female anatomy is based on the picture their friend drew for them on the back of a binder.
The bad news is that Loren can’t even take credit for his rag-num opus because Principal Cattie has promised to get rid of whoever is responsible for turning her school into a den of adolescent diddling. I guess you can kind of think of Loren as the Banksy of bad ‘Twilight’ knockoffs where nobody even goes all the way.
But when a sophomore named Joel starts pretending like he’s the one responsible for the book that started an outercourse revolution, Loren decides that he wants to be the one receiving the student body’s, uh, “accolades.”
So Loren bravely steps out of the shadows to reveal that this is not the work of a sexually blossoming teen, but an emotionally stunted man!
Thankfully, when Cattie finds out that one of her teachers is behind the stroke of literary genius that lead to all this stroking, her brain breaks in half so fast she doesn’t even have time to properly fire Loren.
Lesson Learned: The pen is mightier than the sword, but honestly nothing can stop a horny teen.
2. Shoemaker starts shooting himself up with testosterone.
Quinn is back as principal at Smoot after Cattie Goodman’s “bump-rubbing” induced meltdown. He still hasn’t quite been able to shake off his “lockup mentality.” Sure, it’s a little alarming when he jumps Shoemaker with a cake knife in the teacher’s lounge, but I for one think it’s nice to see Quinn with a little bit of a backbone for once. And if that backbone has a toothbrush shiv secretly taped to the back of it, then so be it.
Anyway, Shoemaker survives the attack, but his dignity and his Dockers, do not.
Shoemaker has no medical background, but he’s watched enough commercials of old guys getting turned on while washing vegetables with their wives to confidently diagnose himself with low testosterone, or “low T.” Thankfully, the good doctors at Smoot always have the prescription you’re looking for with no questions asked besides “how much cash you do have on hand?”
Even though Shoemaker is on a relatively moderate dosage…
He still experiences a few very minor side effects: heightened aggression…
And sudden heart failure…
It might sound bad, but it’s nothing another round of injections can’t solve!
LESSON LEARNED: The first rule of medicine is do no harm. The second rule is that if you do do harm, keep trying a bunch of different shit until you make it go away.
3. Fairbell drinks a bunch of coffee to try and make it through his night watch and everybody thinks that he’s got the devil in him.
Quinn makes the teachers do a midnight stake-out to try and catch whoever has been spray painting pentagrams all over the school. Kinda feels like a waste of time, resources, and sick as hell graffiti, but when Quinn threatens to takeaway the karaoke machine at the Christmas party, everybody gets in line.
So with the creepy hallways and everybody wearing body cams and the satanic symbolism, you really can’t blame anyone for mistaking a bad case of coffee jitters for a demonic possession. To a man with a crucifix, everything looks like Satan’s puppet.
But no one seems to notice that when you take away all the thrashing around and Gollum voice, the little devil inside of Fairbell is less “Dark Lord” and more “insult comic.” Don’t sit in the front row for this exorcism because the eight pounds of coffee beans Fairbell just ingested aren’t the only things getting ROASTED, baby!
Hey, Abbey! Don’t worry if you spend an eternity in Hell. You can still tell people you’re only 28!
You worried about Global Warming, Quinn? Well you should really be worried about “yo-balls” warming! ‘Cause it’s so hot in Hell, your dick will fall off!
Loren, I bet you know plenty of people who have been to Hell. Yeah, it’s everyone you’ve taken on a first date!
After the rest of the crew gets sick of Evil Fairbell’s very tight five, Quinn leads them through an exorcism ritual he probably found out about from a pop-up ad.
But Quinn’s online ordainment is probably Fairbell’s best bet considering that all the other holy texts in the library have been, um, “desecrated.”
Who knows if it was the power of Christ or a sensitivity to acid reflux, but Fairbell finally ends up going all Linda Blair on everybody.
I guess not everybody can handle a hot cup of Java. Better leave it to the big boys next time, Fairbell.
Lesson Learned: The best part of waking up is freedom from Lucifer’s graaaaaaaaasp!
4. Denver’s Mayoral election comes down to Fairbell… and he blows it.
When Smoot High is one of Denver’s official polling places, Principal Quinn turns to the teachers to help tally up the votes.
Fairbell is already in because he apparently possesses the processing power of a computer. Well, some of the processing powers…
And Abbey, Loren, and Shoemaker use it as an excuse to skip class and get caught up on ‘Upton Bisbee,’ a prim and proper melodrama set in WWI era England. It’s a show that they sleep, breathe, and, unfortunately, eat.
But when the polls close, the votes are all tied up. Since the absentee ballots have been flushed down the toilet to save time, the teachers have to get out the “Fairbell vote” to avoid an automatic recount that would make them miss the Upton Bisbee series finale and then they’d never know if Wembley the stable boy had been able to rise above his station!
Fairbell has a tough decision to make. He could go for Zane, who is what you might call a “single issue” candidate…
Or there’s Gil Nash, a conservative so charming and folksy, you almost forget that he wants to put a tax on women’s menstrual cycles!
But Fairbell opts for a write in candidate. And no, it’s not “BOOBS” or “HELLO.” It’s Loren! I guess you could say that Fairbell is registering a “protest vote;” a protest against lameness!
You know, we forget that the machine of Democracy isn’t perfect. If we don’t oil the gears, it can break down from time to time. And when that happens, people will probably use the scraps to try and cut each other’s throats.
Thankfully, after overcoming a very concentrated effort to suppress her vote, Tammy shows up just in time to break the tie. Not like anyone cares at that point: Upton Bisbee is on! Real life democracy is so boring compared to the tortured lives of the pretend aristocracy!
Lesson Learned: Every vote matters, so long as it isn’t flushed down the toilet in the name of quality television.