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May 28, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The U.N. Security Council unanimously condemned Syria after a massacre that left an estimated 108 dead, including 32 children. "After 30, we just had to say, 'Whoa, back up the truck,'" said Russia.

In Afghanistan, NATO took responsibility for a bombing that killed a family of eight, including six children. They even issued an emphatic "Our bad."

Sources say Sony almost stopped the filming of "Men in Black III" due to script problems and Will Smith being demanding. That is to say, the Prince was getting a little fresh.

In Houston, an honor student was given 24 hours in jail for being tardy. On the bright side, he can appeal if he meets the judge at the center of town at high noon.

A legal case in Quebec may force more than 1 million unmarried Canadians to be automatically married by the state. As to be expected, they are respectfully enraged.

A photo of Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, at the Sisteen Chapel was posted online by a Twitter user. Things got especially awkward when the Mayor of the Sistine Chapel showed up.

In an interview, Rudy Giuliani suggested that he did a better job as mayor than Mitt Romney did as governor. For example, everyone got free health care under Romney whereas cops and firemen got free lung disease under Giuliani after 9/11.

International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors were turned away from a suspected Iranian weapons development site and told to come back later. Fortunately for all parties involved there was a Chili's right nearby.

The pope’s butler was detained following the leaking of secret church documents. Vatican officials became especially concerned after watching "Clue."

The World Health Organization estimates that a kidney is sold illegally every hour. Said the organization, "We'll stop you somehow, Mr. Limbaugh."

Dario Franchitti won the Indianapolis 500 for the third time in five years. That's three down, 497 to go.