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April 20, 2018

I'm Jeff Spicoli, kiss the ring. Also, cover is $55.

Welcome to Sean Penn’s Poetry Corner featuring Sean Penn

There are a few house rules and things you need to know before performing at the club. Follow them or be banished from civilization.

The poetry corner, called “Mystic River Readings,” is located in an old Circuit City in Williamsburg in Brooklyn in New York.
Dress is casual hangover.
Ages 36 and up.
Cover is $55. Proceeds to be donated to the “Because I’m an Actor Global Efforts Fund.” No refunds.
Audience members will receive complimentary copies of “The Gunman” on DVD, a carton of Pall Malls, and Mr. Penn’s latest book “Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff” for an additional $129.
No “Dilly Dilly.”
No iPhones allowed, or “facespacing,” as Mr. Penn calls it.
A small menu featuring 15 cigarette brands, scotch and beef jerky will be offered throughout the night at intermission.
If approached by Mr. Penn, kiss his ring. Call him “Jeff Spicoli.” Flinch when he moves. Discussing his appearance on “Friends” is a plus.
No live music, just a house mix of Cannonball Adderley, Chick Corea and undiscovered post-punk gems from The Allegations.
Restrooms are located in the Jack in the Box two blocks east and to the right of the alley with the rats and needles. If you hear a man humming “Under the Bridge,” you’re close.

Interested performers will sign a non-disclosure agreement and get a back tattoo of a dragon playing basketball against the three Jacks — Nicholson, Keroauc and the Ripper.
Please read in as deep a voice as possible. Like you just drank a bucket of molasses and cigarettes.
Use alliteration at all times no matter how tedious.
Sex scenes are a plus, as are the themes and phrases such as “the chord of hypocrisy,” “white America,” “fascism,” and the decline of Western civilization as seen through the lens of the sandwich chain Subway.
Off-limits topics include: video games, American football, flying JetBlue and anything Mr. Penn could describe as “pissy-sissy-wissy-wussy bullshit perpetrated by the mainstream media.”
Performances should be no longer than 1600 seconds.
A transcription of your piece will need to be reviewed before you perform. Bring a printer.
A projection screen is available for use. Acceptable videos include vintage pornography, ads for vintage pornography and that one Vine of a kid repeatedly saying “LeBron James.” Unacceptable videos include Disney paraphernalia, “I Am Sam,” and anything with chef Bobby Flay.
If your performance is acceptable, you may be asked to return at a later date. Repeat performers will need to sign paperwork promising to donate their body for research to the “We’ve Got You By the Balls Hollywood Organ Fund.”
If your performance is unacceptable, Gallagher will appear and throw a watermelons at your face until you leave the stage.

For more inquiries, visit us online at spicolispits.com, e-mail us at pennpals@hotmail.com or call (866) 555-PENN.