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June 27, 2009


Preface: This piece originally appeared in the Aug. 28, 2004, edition of The Examiner (http://examiner.net), a Jackson County, Mo., newspaper. It’s the second of three poems to be republished through underwriting from the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude, provided the organization can stay together to underwrite the rest of the trilogy. As was reported in issue No. 28, the group is split into factions and might dissolve because of arguments over its name. A core faction believes the name should remain the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude. A dissenting faction believes all the names at the end should be removed because they make the group look imbecilic, as Ginger and Holly are considered male and female names and Claude is generally considered a male name. Still another faction believes the organization should change its name to something short that can be shortened further into a memorable, easily-said acronym because the C.K.S.S.F.P.C.N.E.H.G.S.S.N.L.G.H.A.C. isn’t easy to say, let alone remember, even if it’s said in multiple breaths. It is, however, easier to say in multiple breaths if one doesn’t cool off with two or three 40-oz. bottles of Budweiser in between breaths, as the folks at Mutt Media discovered during a scientific test conducted during a Sunday afternoon barbecue.

In issue No. 28, it was reported that the faction pushing for the memorable, easily-said acronym was recommending that the C.K.S.S.F.P.C.N.E.H.G.S.S.N.L.G.H.A.C. call itself the American Civil Liberties Union. The faction still recommends that; however, to avoid confusion with the other American Civil Liberties Union, it recommends that the acronym not be the ACLU, but rather, the UCLA. Whether this will cause problems with a certain school that’s known for having stellar basketball, softball and football programs (and for periodically producing famous filmmakers) is uncertain.

A Holiday for Mae May?

By Ivan O’Uris


Mae May may

Go in May to Marina del Rey

To soak up some rays with Ray

If that’s O.K.

With Ray’s boss, Jay.

But Mae May fears that Jay

Will say to Ray, “Nay!”

And make him go to Santa Fe with Faye,

Who looks like Fay Wray,

To fix an account in disarray,

While Mae May stays in San Jose.

And Mae May fears that Faye will sway Ray

To go with her to L.A. and play.

And then Mae May might have to slay

Fay Wray look-alike Faye Day-Gay

For trying to take her man away.

Or maybe Jay will say, “Yea!”

So Mae May can go in May

To Marina del Rey with Ray.

But what, wonders Mae May,

If she and Ray

Can’t afford to pay for a holiday?

Maybe Mae May

Will have to forget Marina del Rey

And just spend May with Ray in San Jose.

Background Notes: Ivan looked to his homeland, the island of Luscia, for inspiration for “A Holiday for Mae May?” During the 1970s, some short-term dictatorships threatened to end modern Luscia’s long run of democracy. One of Luscia’s dictators was Mao Martinez Mastronichelliovik, a fatalistic Anglican Hindu Disney fanatic who believed the world would be destroyed by saltwater taffy and that a creature with Walt Disney’s head and Clarabelle Cow’s body would descend form the heavens to create an ideal world that would resemble the original Disneyland and serve doughnuts with endless cups of coffee. One day, Mastronichelliovik realized that his and Mickey Mouse’s names each started with “m.” Thus, Mastronichelliovik was convinced he was Disney’s messenger and should prepare Luscians for the inevitable by rebuilding Luscia to resemble Disneyland. To further prepare them, he made the theme song to the TV show “The Mickey Mouse Club” the national anthem and decreed that everyone should wear round mouse ears and use a falsetto voice. Because of his perceived connection to Disney via Mickey Mouse, Mastronichelliovik also declared “m” to be the country’s national letter and forced Luscians to use only words starting with “m.” Those who didn’t follow Mastronichelliovik’s decrees were forced to sing “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” in pig Latin while listening to “It’s a Small World.” His

Postscript: The background notes were about 300 words. However, because of financial issues, the Carl Klester Sensitive Society for Preserving Chick Names, Especially Hot Girlie Show-Sounding Names Like Ginger, Holly and Claude could only afford to underwrite 213 (or 215, if you count the words “Background Notes,” which is another issue that might destroy the C.K.S.S.F.P.C.N.E.H.G.S.S.N.L.G.H.A.C.). Thus, the notes cut off after the first word of the ninth sentence. Mutt Media apologizes for the inconvenience. If the underwriting is available, the remainder of the background notes will run in issue No. 30.

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