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November 17, 2010

A catalog that sells submarines and flying cars? Nice try.

If you've ever browsed the Hammacher Schlemmer website or thumbed through its catalog, you know it reads like a science fiction novel. We've already covered the vast array of gigantic items you can supposedly purchase, but there's another collection they carry that makes us wonder if Hammacher Schlemmer does not actually exist. And for good reason. 

1. Personal Submarine - $2,000,000
Yes. A personal submarine can apparently be purchased from a catalog. Though I think if you called up Hammacher Schlemmer and asked for it, they'd start doing the "ohhh, I'm about to drive through a tunnel" routine and hang up. 

2. Flying Car - $350,000
You know, $350k isn't actually that bad of a deal when you consider the fact that this most likely doesn't exist at all. 

3. The Robot from 1956's Forbidden Planet (Whaaaaaaaaaat?) - $50,000
I repeat, "Whaaaaaaaaat?" Stop being so fake, Hammacher Schlemmer. If you wanted us to take you seriously as a legitimate business, stop masquerading as a Hollywood Collectable shop.

4. The Superplexus - $30,000
Not only are they now making up words, but I can honestly say I have no clue what this is. But whatever, it can be yours all for a year's college tuition. (Child sold, separately) 

5. This F--king Thing - $35,000
I think it's a hammock. And I think they're charging $34,900 more than they should be. Only a fake company would have this much audacity.

6. A Hovercraft - $17,000
People should not be purchasing things used by GI Joe characters from the catalogs they read in doctor's offices. 

7. Stainless Steel Ofuro (Bathtub with Steps) - $20,000
"Oh your bathtub doesn't have a staircase leading up to it? And you consider yourself clean after bathing?"
-Bathtub snob who doesn't exist

8. The Dry Water Jet Massager - $29,500
From the looks of it, it also doubles as the machine movies use when they cryogenically freeze someone, only to have them awake far after they were supposed to. You know what they call those movies? Fake. Just like Hammacher Schlemmer. 

9. The 120 MPH Electric Car - $108,000
You know who actually drives all-electric cars (other than Ed Begley, Jr)? Nobody. You know who buys their electric cars from catalogs without test driving them? Nobody. And do you know runs Hammacher Schlemmer? Nobody.